It's the hot cloud blackening a clear blue sky, it's the cool air turning toxic thick as it wraps its paws around a throat. It's chocking till a person is on the floor withering in a panic. It's the swelling of the world becoming too big for a minute soul. It's watching a clock but seeing only fate come closer, the numbers yelling guilt as the hands bang against a chest like a viscious trombone. It's only seeing selfishness without the selflessness behind it.
It's like dipping a toe into a blue lagoon that shimmers with its reflection from above. It's wanting to run into the wild fields and keep running. It's also wanting to fully immerse yourself into the holy water that you know you will only taint. It's a magnet, both attracting and repelling. It's the sun blaring kindness but your soul bounding you sorrowfully to the squelching mud beneath you.
It's running fearlessy into a maze only to be imprisoned in tears between four walls. It's staring into a mirror and not knowing who is looking back. It's sitting under a hollow tree, finding comfort in the balcony of leaves above. It's not wanting to leave but having to go. It's like walking onto an empty road, not knowing to turn right or left or wait for someone else who is on the same journey to ask them. It's being free but being trapped by your surroundings. Invisible chains disguised as specks of dust.
It's running into the distance till breathing is the only surrounding sound. It's twirling until the ground beneath is an unsteady pulse. It's a heavy heart on weak shoulders. It's wanting to do everything but being unable to complete nothing.
Rest in Peace Jonny
Grief
Saturday, 24 June 2017
mindlessly
Sunday, 7 May 2017
ALOHA!!
Wednesday, 26 April 2017
Trapped
Thursday, 20 April 2017
Sixth form, I wish I was that happy 17 year old I was when I first walked through the automatic glass doors, now I cannot stand the place. The excitement for my future has been swallowed by dread. I tell my best friend that I want to die at least 5 times a lesson, even now I can't tell if I am joking or if I am actually losing the will to live. One out of three lessons I don't hate, the other two I turn up simply because of attendance. I once used to feel guilty when teachers got mad or stressed with my class now I just don't care.
That body positivity I posted about two months ago, or the pretend happy gym selfies I post on Instagram, I don't where all that went. I am not positive, I probably hate myself more than ever and gym? It fills up my frees and takes over my life but becomes pointless when food is my only source of happiness, eating salad makes me want to kill myself. I feel much happier eating a burger than I do eating a piece of lettuce. I sweat my ass off in the gym only to find out I gained weight, it wasn't even muscle gain this time. It's not easy they tell me, it takes time but how I can carry on with the gym when my bed feels much safer. I don't have to face my reflection in the dark.
I follow plus size models on Instagram so I don't cry when there is a thin person in my feed, I lie to those who ask how the gym is going, it's going great but really the £15 a month feels like a death sentence. I have fallen out of love with taking selfies on Snapchat, instead, I cover the camera. I throw this facade on my social media, I may it look like I don't hate the world I live in, like drinking is only a social event and not my survival and escape, I post pictures that make me look creative, when really I haven't written anything decent in months.
I am angry or ready to cry, nothing inbetween, a constant state of deterioration. I can't stop myself from breaking, and I don't think I would want to if I could. I just keep falling, and whatever motivation my heart once carried is now a shadow of dust, a matter of inconvience. I push myself out, push the people I am supposed to love away, I used to cry of loneliness and now I just cry and sleep. I can't feel anything if my blanket is my support system, I cannot think anything if dreams taking up all my headspace.
reflection in the dark
Monday, 10 April 2017
Those women were essentially sending themselves to a stranger for validation, they are putting their self-worth into the mouth of this man. But, what these women perhaps do not know is; any stranger, or even a person you know, can tell you you're beautiful, but it will never mean as much as you telling yourself you are beautiful.
The only person's opinion that will truly ever matter is your own. How many compliments have you received and actually accepted at face value? What you tell yourself in the mirror matters much more than any comment on a screen. You have spent your whole life with yourself, and if you like it or not you will continue to do so. So, love yourself now because you will save yourself some trouble in the future. Know your self-worth.
I wish those years back, I could read this. I wish young Lauren was as self-aware as I am now. She was naive and so obsessed with other people accepting her, admittedly that is somewhat a little true today, but I like to think I've picked up a thing or two.
an opinion that will matter
Tuesday, 14 March 2017
Rehearsal
Monday, 6 February 2017
I THINK
Tuesday, 20 December 2016
decisions
Wednesday, 23 November 2016
You see that someone and you can already see their clothes laying on your floor. From the counter to the stove, anywhere it doesn't matter. It's not just sex, it's making love. Love does this, it's much more than affection it's passion.
Passion
Friday, 4 November 2016
Like Alice
Wednesday, 19 October 2016
We do things
Monday, 17 October 2016
do not fool me
Wednesday, 5 October 2016
Everything I say comes out wrong
Not that I don't know what to say
Saying my feelings outloud come out differently
In my head it sounds much better
To be honest, I feel a lot
I feel and think way too much
Vast world of nonsense and tangled thoughts
Every second of every damn day
sensitive
Tuesday, 27 September 2016
When did I
Sunday, 18 September 2016
A year from now
Monday, 5 September 2016
Change everything
Tuesday, 2 August 2016
Too bad someone has said something
Oh so you're actually listening to them?
People are poison.
Only you know how you feel
Very few people will understand
Everyone experiences things differently
Rarely two people experience the same thing
Tell people to mind their own business
Happiness is personal
Ideally your friends want to enlighten a situation
Not realising they're tainting your raw thoughts
Keep in mind they are not you
Indeed there are similarities but you're unique
Never will they feel the same way you would in a moment
Go on compare, you're only creating non-existent problems.
STOP OVERTHINKING
Saturday, 30 July 2016
Hiya!
Blog Contents:
- Book Reviews
- Book Tags
- Bookish Discussions
- Creative Writing
- Life Updates