Appreciate

Trains. Planes. Buses. And even your own two feet. One thing they all have in common? They take you places. They allow you to get from A to B. Granted,  sometimes (more than enough times) at a cost. I watch trains leave the station daily, planes lift off into the air nightly and feet taking their owners for a walk every single second of the day. 

Cameras. Pictures. Your own two eyes. All of these glorious things allow us to see the world. Witness the great things in life like birth, spring, and the sun setting and rising. From the second we wake up to the second we fall asleep we’ve witnessed concisely and subconsciously a million things taking place in a single day. And when the lights are out? Our minds take over. 

The beautiful brain. Transporting you to places in a millisecond. Showing you thousands of things in a single dream. Through the day it takes you back in time through memories. Our brains are limitless. Thinking of new places, constantly processing and storing new information. An imagination that is never ending... and it’s free. 

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in life, we forget to take a second to just stand still. Appreciate the things we have and how wonderful our bodies are and how magnificent our brains are. I suppose this is just me taking a second to just step back and appreciate simple things. 

What are you appreciative of today?

Appreciate

Monday 13 August 2018

I try too sleep but these knots of my uncertain future keeps me awake. Stail failure corrupts my mind. A dislodged heart pushing it's away up my throat. I feel inhumane tonight- like I'm air ready to evaporated under heated mess. I'm not a lion of braveness, instead a mouse of self doubt.  Trying to escape the hours I've been staring at for days, my hope ticking along with it. In a few hours my fate will be made: and I fear the worst.

Thursday 17 August 2017

Grief

It's the hot cloud blackening a clear blue sky, it's the cool air turning toxic thick as it wraps its paws around a throat. It's chocking till a person is on the floor withering in a panic. It's the swelling of the world becoming too big for a minute soul. It's watching a clock but seeing only  fate come closer, the numbers yelling guilt as the hands bang against a chest like a  viscious trombone. It's only seeing selfishness without the selflessness behind it.

It's like dipping a toe into a blue lagoon that shimmers  with its reflection from above. It's wanting to run into the wild fields and keep running. It's also wanting to fully immerse yourself into the holy water that you know you will only taint. It's a magnet, both attracting and repelling. It's the sun blaring kindness but your soul bounding you sorrowfully to the squelching mud beneath you.

It's running fearlessy into a maze only to be imprisoned in tears between four walls. It's staring into a mirror and not knowing who is looking back. It's sitting under a hollow tree, finding comfort in the balcony of leaves above. It's  not wanting to leave but having to go. It's like walking onto an empty road, not knowing to turn right or left or wait for someone else who is on the same journey to ask them. It's being free but being trapped by your surroundings. Invisible chains disguised as specks of dust.

It's running into the distance till breathing is the only surrounding sound. It's twirling until the ground beneath is an unsteady pulse. It's a heavy heart on weak shoulders. It's wanting to do everything but being unable to complete nothing.

Rest in Peace Jonny

Grief

Saturday 24 June 2017

mindlessly

She thought about space and how the stars shine together unknowingly being wished upon. She wondered of worlds other than her own. She thought about all the people she hasn't met and all the animals she hasn't greeted. So much more is out there she thinks, and how her brain takes her to the places she has been and her heart yearns for places she does not know. She thinks of the foods she hasn't had the pleasure of tasting, and the wines that will make her wince. She thinks about the quietness in space, would it be more enjoyable than this white walled cage? Would she be having the time of her life floating about in the stratosphere, mindlessly she drops her pencil, she does not pick it back up, instead, she stands up and leaves.

mindlessly

Sunday 7 May 2017

ALOHA!!

Hello!

I feel like it has been a while since I just posted a talk/thought kind of post. So yesterday I posted a new poem,a spoken word poem which I did a video reading which I attached to the bottom. It wasn't spectacular but it something I hope to do more of in the future. It's fun and something new. 

Yesterday something else happened to me to; realization struck me during a heart to heart with my sister, I've been wanting to leave home for Uni since I was twelve and it sunk it that in four months time I will be doing just that. I cannot believe I am actually this close, it is frightening.  I am excited but absolutely bricking it at the same time!

I am also addicted to The Sims 4 - I spend all my free time on it, it is probably getting out of control. I am doing The Legacy challenge, which is challenging to say at the least. It's making me play Sims in a whole new way, so that is enjoyable.

Things are okay, I'm not bursting with happiness but I'm not crying myself to sleep either. I am okay with okay.

ALOHA!!

Wednesday 26 April 2017

Trapped

I feel so trapped by my emotions, my thoughts cage me in and I just want it to stop. This 10-minute mood change is wearing me out, from a burst of happiness to wanting to hide from the world. Every 10 minutes a new emotion decides to fuel me, I don't understand why. Why must I have to feel so much in such little time. I try to hold onto happiness knowing too well a shadow of emotion will inevitably pass. Yet when I feel sadness, my whole life is tainted grey. I feel so much and it draining, emotionally, mentally and physically. I tried avoiding these by sleeping, but due to things I have to do I cannot spend my days in bed, even though I would much rather.

Trapped

Thursday 20 April 2017

reflection in the dark

I am not 100% sure why but I have been emotionally exhausted, for what must be months now. I am constantly tired, I am sleeping to stop thinking, I am sleeping just because I don't want to do anything else. Right now, I am sat on my bed in a dark room. I am not happy, as a human I understand we aren't supposed to be happy all the time - that is almost impossible, but I feel as though I probably should be happier than I am a lot of the time.
Sixth form, I wish I was that happy 17 year old I was when I first walked through the automatic glass doors, now I cannot stand the place. The excitement for my future has been swallowed by dread. I tell my best friend that I want to die at least 5 times a lesson, even now I can't tell if I am joking or if I am actually losing the will to live. One out of three lessons I don't hate, the other two I turn up simply because of attendance. I once used to feel guilty when teachers got mad or stressed with my class now I just don't care.
That body positivity I posted about two months ago, or the pretend happy gym selfies I post on Instagram, I don't where all that went. I am not positive, I probably hate myself more than ever and gym? It fills up my frees and takes over my life but becomes pointless when food is my only source of happiness, eating salad makes me want to kill myself. I feel much happier eating a burger than I do eating a piece of lettuce. I sweat my ass off in the gym only to find out I gained weight, it wasn't even muscle gain this time. It's not easy they tell me, it takes time but how I can carry on with the gym when my bed feels much safer. I don't have to face my reflection in the dark.
I follow plus size models on Instagram so I don't cry when there is a thin person in my feed, I lie to those who ask how the gym is going, it's going great but really the £15 a month feels like a death sentence. I have fallen out of love with taking selfies on Snapchat, instead, I cover the camera. I throw this facade on my social media, I may it look like  I don't hate the world I live in, like drinking is only a social event and not my survival and escape, I post pictures that make me look creative, when really I haven't written anything decent in months.
I am angry or ready to cry, nothing inbetween, a constant state of deterioration. I can't stop myself from breaking, and I don't think I would want to if I could. I just keep falling, and whatever motivation my heart once carried is now a shadow of dust, a matter of inconvience. I push myself out, push the people I am supposed to love away, I used to cry of loneliness and now I just cry and sleep. I can't feel anything if my blanket is my support system, I cannot think anything if dreams taking up all my headspace.

reflection in the dark

Monday 10 April 2017

an opinion that will matter

When I was younger, a few years back, I came across a video online. It was a man speaking into a camera, and women would send him photographs of themselves and in these videos, he would respond to these photographs. Complimenting them and comparing their bodies to nature, I remember him once saying 'bountiful curves like blessed mountains'. My initial thought was, he is a nice guy and he is trying to make these women feel better about themselves, but as I think about it now the sad reality of it kicks in.

Those women were essentially sending themselves to a stranger for validation, they are putting their self-worth into the mouth of this man. But, what these women perhaps do not know is; any stranger, or even a person you know, can tell you you're beautiful, but it will never mean as much as you telling yourself you are beautiful.

The only person's opinion that will truly ever matter is your own. How many compliments have you received and actually accepted at face value? What you tell yourself in the mirror matters much more than any comment on a screen. You have spent your whole life with yourself, and if you like it or not you will continue to do so. So, love yourself now because you will save yourself some trouble in the future. Know your self-worth.

I wish those years back, I could read this. I wish young Lauren was as self-aware as I am now. She was naive  and so obsessed with other people accepting her, admittedly that is somewhat a little true today, but I like to think I've picked up a thing or two.

an opinion that will matter

Tuesday 14 March 2017

Rehearsal

I've had this conversation in my head at least twenty times already, each time it doesn't get easier. It's panned out in my head as I tell you how I feel and you disagree and try to to talk me out of it, and each time me crying and hurting but trying to do what is best. I've imagined what I'd say and thought about how you'd respond. It's not easy, in my head it's just as messed up as it would be in person. How can you rehearse breaking someone's heart?

I've been skipping any song related to love, I escape the overloading thoughts of you with my early nights, only to the world they're early nights but to me it's tossing and turning of tears and cold heart ache.

Give me alcohol, give me paracetamol; take these thoughts away and cover these feelings. I don't want to deal with this right now, but if not now when? This pain injected into my  veins will only be ten times as bad in  six months.  We should depart now but what if you take my soul and happiness with you?

Rehearsal

Monday 6 February 2017

I THINK

I think

That this is beautiful

How life works

All around us 

Never ending things

Keep happening.

I THINK

Tuesday 20 December 2016

decisions

Every decision we make changes the course of our lives, if we change our route home we've split from a pattern, anything could happen that day you decide to change something, for all you know you could meet the love of your life. Every day you are making decisions, even some you are not aware of. Such as deciding to get up today, or knocking back an invite to party. Ultimately we decide what to next; if it which literal path to cross next or the metaphorical thought to view something a different way. Sometimes even the small decisions can have an impact, if you decide which sixth form you go to, or if you're preparing for which uni to pick, each decision will have a different outcome, and it is up to you to take  a leap of faith and follow the path you desire.

decisions

Wednesday 23 November 2016

Passion

Have you ever needed someone, not emotionally but physically. You want their skin against yours, against the wall, on the coffee table, anywhere you can. Have them holding onto you, breathing in your ear. 
You see that someone and you can already see their clothes laying on your floor. From the counter to the stove, anywhere it doesn't matter. It's not just sex, it's making love. Love does this, it's much more than affection it's passion.

Passion

Friday 4 November 2016

Like Alice

I run away with my thoughts, become lost in the situations it creates for me. My heart follows the maps it makes me fall through. Any second I'm not in focus, like Alice it wanders into its own wonderland. A potion of reality crushed with make belief. All whilst on the outside I'm still and straight faced, the world moving around me but in my head the world moves with me.

Like Alice

Wednesday 19 October 2016

We do things

We do things and sometimes we don't know the reason why. These things almost come natural to us, they become a part of our daily needs. We go out we try and fit it into our schedule like it's a necessity. Harmless things, until you take too much and they become very much harmful. We abuse our bodies with the things we claim to love but why? Surely our bodies would be just as fine without them?

We do things

Monday 17 October 2016

do not fool me

Inspire me, show me new things. Introduce me to foreign thoughts, take my mind to different dimensions. Make me feel all the things I thought were impossible, open my eyes to the minute details. Teach me a language, one that only you can talk. Embrace my kindness, allow me to explore your love. Do not fool me, or play games with my mind. Please leave my heart be if your intentions are no good. Move along if you all you bring with you is hurt, pain and angst.

do not fool me

Wednesday 5 October 2016

sensitive

Saying how I feel isn't an easy thing
Everything I say comes out wrong
Not that I don't know what to say
Saying my feelings outloud come out differently
In my head it sounds much better
To be honest, I feel a lot
I feel and think way too much
Vast world of nonsense and tangled thoughts
Every second of every damn day

sensitive

Tuesday 27 September 2016

When did I

When did I become such a fragile human being? Sure I can be strong and positive and outgoing with other people and when I'm at college. But what about when I'm alone or at home? When did I become a nervous wreck, nervous about big things like the future; university and growing old. But what about the little things I spend so much time worrying and being afraid of? Like wondering if there's going to be another shatter, if I'm going to see fear struck in my siblings face again, or how loud sudden noises make me want to cry and hide. When did I become the person who thinks about everything, planned conversations in my head because I don't want to embarrass myself, paranoia whilst walking down the street wondering what disaster could come my way. When did I become everything I've tried so hard not to be? Emotionally messed up, ready for the next bad thing to present itself. Sure there are good times, and they're amazing and some days I feel good and not a wreck but the fear of something bad is always there. When did my optimism exchange itself for pessimism?

When did I

Sunday 18 September 2016

A year from now

I was stood in central station, waiting on the arrival of my mother from her weekend away. On the platform I stood waiting and watching, watching people board and passengers saying goodbye to their families. Young adults I assumed were going off to universities with their many bags and cases, hugging their families tightly before setting off onto the train that will change their lives. My cheeks became wet with tears, my heart thumping limp in my chest. I could see the love of these people, wishing their son or daughter good luck. Their children all grown up, leaving home for three years. It broke my heart. For years I've been desperately wishing to be those people going off to university, set out for a new adventure but at the station my heart was with the families the students were leaving  behind. I felt their sorrow inside, I felt the longing the mothers would have wondering if their child is safe and happy every night. I thought of my own family, in exactly one year we will be in this very station feeling these very things, I cried to myself some more. The people I grew up with me, the memories and everyday things, how they will change the moment I drag my case onto the train. What broke my heart the most was the thought of Kara. The child I've seen grow from a baby, the delightful days, the memorable months and loving years I've seen her develop and her imagination open like a flower. I've been with her most of her life, and in a years time that will change. I won't see her for 12 weeks, she'll be twice as smart and twice as grown by the time I'll next see her. When I think of university, I think get away from home, as far as you can. Theoretically it sounds ideal, but in the station I already felt homesick, homesick because of something that hasn't even happened yet.

A year from now

Monday 5 September 2016

Change everything

One moment, one feeling, one person... can change your whole life. An experience or influential words or even a simple change of perspective can alter everything you've ever known. Do you ever wonder what would happen if things turned out differently? You turned back time and altered a decision, you wish for something better to have happened. but would you give up every little thing that has happened since? Sure there has been tough times, but would you give up the small things you've witnessed just to go back and change one thing that could change everything?

Change everything

Tuesday 2 August 2016

STOP OVERTHINKING

So things are going well huh?
Too bad someone has said something
Oh so you're actually listening to them?
People are poison.

Only you know how you feel
Very few people will understand
Everyone experiences things differently
Rarely two people experience the same thing

Tell people to mind their own business
Happiness is personal
Ideally your friends want to enlighten a situation
Not realising they're tainting your raw thoughts
Keep in mind they are not you
Indeed there are similarities but you're unique
Never will they feel the same way you would in a moment
Go on compare, you're only creating non-existent problems.

STOP OVERTHINKING

Saturday 30 July 2016