I love him… I love him not… I love him… I love him not
Leonard’s embrace dropped, our
lips pulled apart. He hesitated before we bid each other farewell.
Sitting at my desk, writing in
you because this is the only place I know where to feel. Crushed petals upon
the wooden desk, I don’t think it is a question of if I love him, more so if I
can commit to him. I love no other but the pain I have felt. The loss of my parents broke
me.
I am unsure of what I want or if
what I want is right… I am afraid of myself. I never recover fully from pain,
it lingers in my chest and it has scarred my soul.
I push my lover away and he comes
back, this I am grateful for. We send correspondence through letters, writing
is where I express best but to him, I still fail. Fail to understand myself.
Each letter I send to him I cannot help but think about him opening it.
Whenever he told me he could not wait to see me, I wondered if that because he needed
to see if I still love him. I think about the pang in his chest. As if he knew I no longer wanted to marry him.
To marry him… to marry him not… to marry him… to marry him not
We could have everything, I often
think to myself how things will be okay if we married. Surely marriage is not
the be-all and end-all. I owe myself much more. Oh, this conflict. Tell me what
to do, tell me how to feel?
Marrying you seems like the world
would fit into place, but what am I feeling that makes this choice so hard?
Not to be bleak or brutal, but I
think it is the sex or lack of. I have no physical attraction to this man, sure
he is the right decision but what about my pleasure? Can I marry a man I cannot
bare to look at? Oh, feelings. Why could he not be more handsome? Fool me for
these feelings and fool him more for falling for me. It must be a chore on his
heart, I certainly would not take such hardships.
I pity him mostly but cannot help
but respect him slightly, sticking with me through my change of mood.
I know I shall marry Leonard, my
mongoose. He is intelligent, a wise man and he loves me. He has pursued me for
a while now. I somewhat love him, not wholeheartedly but it will do, my
penniless Jew. I shall be his Adeline
Virginia Woolf. I rejected him once
before, but now maybe is the time. I have sent him away on leave, whilst I
think about his proposal. Oh, what that man is getting himself in for.
Yes, I shall marry Leonard Woolf,
I shall tell him in a weeks’ time on the 29th of May.
To love him and to marry him
- This piece was inspired by letter correspondence between Virginia Woolf and her husband Leonard, these letters are kept in The Keep Archive in Brighton. This piece was part of a collective portfolio I created for a module in University last year, I have redrafted and decided to share this piece with you. I enjoyed creating this diary entry from the perspective of Virginia Woolf. Thank you for reading!
