Showing posts with label teenager. Show all posts

The first person I kissed was a girl, I was at a sleepover with my two of my best friends. I'd drank at least half a can of Fosters and in year 8 - that was a pretty big deal to me. I don't have a problem with kissing girls - I have dated girls since. The problem was kissing a friend, I was peer pressured into it. I'm not annoyed at the fact our lips touched several times that night, I'm annoyed because of the planted feelings that reoccur in my chest, even years after. We are still friends this girl and I. She doesn't know  that I think about that night more than I probably should. When things don't work out with other girls I want to run right back to her even though I was never hers and nor was she mine. I get mad at her when she talks about boys and when she enters cycles of toxic relationships which all end in her sad and sinking back into her depression, I tell her I'm mad because she is my friend and I care for her. I tell her she deserves better than some fuck boy, but I don't tell her that I want to hold her and kiss her until she realises how beautiful  kind she is.

I remember her previous boyfriends and how when those relationships ended she swore she was lonely, and that she does not deserve to be loved. And each time I wanted to scream at her,  tell her that I love her, and that I will never let her be alone. But I stayed silent, because my words mean nothing to her. Just sounds that plead to her.  I keep myself at a distance now, my heart simply cannot take the throbs her smile dishes out. I am still there for her, with kind words and reassurance but that is all.

The girl I shared my first kiss with, she unknowingly taught me a valuable life lesson. The real sadness to life is when you realize that even though you can love a person with all of your being they don't always reciprocate those exact feelings and nor do they have to - you can give them so much but you can't force a person to love you back, no matter how hard you try.

A Girl

Thursday 20 July 2017

Dear Fuck Boy,
What on earth do you think you're doing? Messing with a girls head, alluring her into a false security and then getting what you want and just vanish like nothing happened. First, you find a girl, and you tell her your intention, not your true intentions of course, and you get her to like you, you go on several dates and you get to first base, even second and then when third comes into the game? You hit it and then leave. This is  not okay. You can't just tell a girl you want to be with her, that you like her and then only use her for sex and end the game. It's cruel, but you know what you're doing and you don't care, that's the worst part. You do this to one girl, and then another and then not long you've got a line of girls behind you who feel used and are hurt, but why would you care? You have yet another notch on your bedpost. Well not this time, she caught you out. She didn't believe a word you said, allowed you to barely hit second base before she caught your ass out. How stupid do you feel now? She escaped before you could even hit the ball.  Fuck boy, you didn't get to fuck this one, I just hope no other girls get stuck in your game.

Dear Fuck Boy,

Tuesday 23 August 2016

Dear August,

We have had a slight last minute swerve to get to you, hopeful of you yesterday I was, then a slight bump in the road but hopeful again I am today. You're taking me on the road to results day, and also the road into other cities, as well as god knows what surprises you shall direct me in. My last month of Summer, and how I plan to make the most of it. This month I believe will be about learning some life lessons and self-improvement but also living in the moment without the need to assess every situation.
This month I hope for good results, good times with my friends but also get all the stuff I need to do. So, make a start on all of my coursework, read a couple of books I've been trying to read forever, and begin working out. I am ready to be the best me, and the prepared me. I refuse to allow my last year of Sixth Form to challenge me into stress and havoc, I Lauren pledge my dedication to college, to stay positive and be the best version of myself.

See you again in 30 days!


Dear August

Monday 1 August 2016

"Sometimes people come into your life just to teach you how to let go"
-Author Unknown 

Quote of the week

Thursday 9 June 2016

For a while now,  I have been wondering how exactly can you follow a blog, and well I finally decided to Google it. It came to my attention that I didn't actually have an accessible follow button, but thanks to Google and a little help from Youtube I have put a follow button on my blog! It's only taken me a year, but hey nevermind eh? In case you're wondering and wanting to follow my blog (you do right? Please?) it is located to the right underneath my Blog Archive. I also edited the layout of how my blog looks on a phone, I decided to make it look like how it does from a desktop.
Can you guys believe how technical I am becoming, damn this time  next year I could be running my own app! Yeah we know that won't happen, one year to get a follow button, damn that is slow progress.
That's all I have for today, see you tomorrow, thank you (please follow the blog) and good day! -Lauren :)

I HAVE A FOLLOW BUTTON??

Saturday 4 June 2016

There are endless amounts of books that I want to read, some I've already read and want to read again some I have come across recently and just fancy something different. I am trying to find more time to read, and I thought I ought to share my reading wish list with yous;

1) Warm Bodies -  Isaac Marion - Watched the film and adored it so it's about time I read it!
2)Let the right one in - John Ajvide Lindqvist 
3) To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee (Again)
4) Go Set  A Watch Man - Harper Lee 
5)Horns - Joe Hill - FYI he's the son of Steven King
6) Paper Towns - John Green - retry, the first time I gave up after the first chapter
7) Is It Just Me? - Miranda Hart (again)
8) Cat O'nine Tails - Julia Golding (again)
9) Frankenstein - Mary Shelley
10)The Chronicles of Narnia - C.S.Lewis 
11) Face - Benjamin Zephaniah  (again)
12) Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell
13) Harry Potter books - JK Rowling  (again!)
14) The Perks Of Being A Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
15) Divergent Trilogy, plus Four - Veronica Roth (again)
16) The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins (again)

That's all I can think of at the moment, I will obviously put the books I haven't already read as priority. A month from now I will make another post and we will see if I've ever many (or any) of the books on the list. This my reading wish list, what about you?

Reading

Wednesday 3 February 2016

I saw this image floating about the internet and it got me thinking.
Growing up I have always been a bigger girl, I was never the really thin girl. I've always had cellulite and curves for as long as I can remember. I have never looked like 'other' girls, all my friends have always been much thinner than I am. I feel from a young age I (like many others) have been conditioned to not love myself unless I was skinny or looked like everyone else. In the heat of the moment, or even out of sheer meanness people always kind of took the low blow and mention my weight (this won't be about bullying but I'll cover that in a future blog post) and so it has always been an insecurity of mine. My weight has always been a concern of mine, and I remember being maybe 10  years old and coming home crying about my weight, people making fun and just commenting. On top of this I was seeing gorgeous thin women in the media everywhere (and it is the same still) and for years my weight has been my biggest insecurity, it is to this day but I'm on a journey of self-love. I remember hanging out with my friends in year six and we were going over to one of the girls' house and they were playing on the scales, which naturally I wasn't keen on doing but with persuasion I did. They laughed, of course I was much bigger than they were, and it hurt of course it had.  Since then I've had adults mention my weight, guys, girls, people who I thought were my friends and even complete strangers (I'll mention the full story in a future post) so my confidence has never been the strongest. I used to think I was fat, but I look back at myself in pictures and it makes me cry. I wasn't fat, I looked healthy and even adorable. Pictures from five years ago, I was self-conscious and I hated how I looked. God, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that she is fine, and she should just concentrate on being happy because that is all that matters. But no now I see from there I self-destructed, food has always been the answer to most things for me. I got bigger and torn myself apart. I got unhappier with myself and my appearance, I even turned to dieting pills and they didn't have the best effect on me. Don't get me wrong I have tried dieting and going to gym regularly and it was good for me, but with exams and  life I just couldn't balance everything. I turn 18 in March and it has taken me years to realize this;  I've always thought of myself as fat and I'm not the only one. It's sick how the media have conditioned young people to not love themselves and to  aspire to be thinner and prettier. When really we should love ourselves and as long as you're healthy that's all that should matter! Being skinny doesn't mean you're healthy. And for a guy having bulks of muscles doesn't make you a man. I've realized there is nothing wrong with being a big girl, why should I be thinner to please others? As long as I'm healthy and not putting myself in danger then I'm okay to be how I am. I know I am not completely self-loving, but it a journey I am taking and I believe I am capable of loving myself and being the happiest I can be.  Why should we have to be what the media tells and shows us? I believe as long as you're happy then that's all that matters. We can be who we want to be. Join me on the road of body positivity, next time you see your reflection give yourself a compliment, you are beautiful, we all are, male, female, big, small, tall, short, fat, thin - we are all beautiful!

Body Positivity

Sunday 31 January 2016

Do you ever hear something, or be told something and it ruins you? It confirms a suspicion and breaks your heart into pieces. You can barely breathe as if the very life has been sucked out of you. You run to escape and it's almost like your legs have given up on you. You fight back the tears even though there's no reason left to fight. You become weak, and the walls you built have smashed right before your eyes. You've got to act like you're okay but you're anything but. You're shaking and every word you type you have to correct, it's like the love inside of you has been pushed out of you. The person you devoted yourself to dotes on someone else. It's heartbreak when it happens once, but it's like home when it continues to happen. A familiar lonely home that you're more than used to, the closer you get to home the numbing begins and it usually stays...

Heartbreak Home

Saturday 30 January 2016

I feel like today this is relatable.

She

Thursday 28 January 2016

We are constantly feeling, and our surroundings are constantly effecting our feelings. A simple situation can nudge an emotion. Someone else's actions can alter your mood. People make us feel and sometimes they do it without even being aware of it.
You will forever feel, however each feeling is only temporary and can be changed at any given second. You want to hold on to certain feelings, keep them close to your heart but eventually, eventually they will fade and be replaced.
All the feelings you have are normal, even if it's a singular feeling or a dozen at a time. These feelings shape us and guide to where to go next.
Sometimes we want them to stop, we want them to come to an halt in a minute. We want to stop being overwhelmed, feelings can become too much. As good as they are; they can be just as dangerous. Testing our patience and our limits. Sometimes we avoid them, mostly by crawling into the quilts of sleep or even worse trying to numb them. Forcing them out so you feel practically nothing. But they're never really gone, they hide under the surface ready to make an appearance at any given hour.
All things effect us, if it be little or incredibly. Most important we decide how to feel, we decide on the outtake we have on life and situations. It is ultimately down to us.

Constantly Feeling

Wednesday 27 January 2016

I have been quite moody today, I just feel it has been one problem after another. It's frustrating and well today I feel as though a black cloud has pretty much followed my every step today. This morning I felt good, positive but as the day progressed my mood regressed! I got my Mock results and I am pleased. I know where I need to improve so I shall be working on that. I have been having trouble with software but I got it sorted, and I'm more prepared for Media and Film. I am also considering making short films, for my blog and even maybe post on Youtube. I am pretty much a beginner with editing software but I will eventually get the hang of it. So maybe for a future project I can post video content, I suppose that would be cool and just something new to try!
I have been very college based lately and it saddens me I haven't had time to write properly, I know I write poems here and there but that isn't my main writing focus, but education is important. However in Febraury it is half term. I  break a couple of days before Valentines day. I may even do a valentines week theme or something, who knows! But the week off means I will have more time for writing, and hopefully I can put more attention into these blog posts! Thank you as always, and I hope you had a much better Monday than I have!

Moody Monday

Monday 25 January 2016

Like everyone else, I am human. Not one of us is superhuman, even though sometimes I do wish I had the abilities of batman, but we can't always get what we wish for. Today I decided I would write about insecurities, it is personal and serious, everyone has them or has had them at some point in their life.
Disclaimer -  this isn't me posting for attention, that is not my aim here, I am just posting personal experiences and feelings, I hopefully shed light onto the whole thing. I don't usually share this kind of thing.
Firstly, I feel as though I've always been self-conscious, I know from a young age I have been very aware of my weight, people pointing it out or thinking it's okay to be mean about things.  And well as growing up and developing it seems one of my most insecurities is my weight, my stomach, my arms and thighs especially. I have always been closely aware of my body.
I can usually go through the day without stressing or being too overly conscious about these things, unless of course someone else mentions them. However, I have been feeling inadequate lately. I have been feeling very self-conscious and aware of my body. Usually, when this happens (which is often) I tear myself a part.
I am trying to improve myself, I want to love me for me, and that is so damn hard. I am on this journey and some days I can be like 'I'm confident, I rock and I'm fabulous' but others  I am the complete opposite. It's like one step forward and two steps backward. Sitting around pulling at my insecurities isn't helping me, I know that of course.
Instead of hating on the parts of me I don't like I'm trying to concentrate on the things I do like. I can't ignore my insecurities, but I am trying to improve them, for instance I'm beginning to eat healthier, I'm only drinking water, it is a start. Before I get to the ideal me, I have to learn to love myself along the way.
Sometimes I just wish it was easy, I wish the change would come quicker, in a world obsessed with looks what chance do I have?
I want to love myself, for me. I want to love everything about me, I want to be proud instead of shying away scared to even show some flesh!

Insecure

Saturday 23 January 2016

HAPPY FRIDAY!
You guys have no idea how much I have needed it to be Friday! This week hit me like a brutal wrecking ball, I wasn't ready nope. I wasn't read for an ear infection, or going back to college, or the three mock exams, or the sleepless nights, or just emotional feelings, I wasn't ready what so ever.
Friday did pick everything up though, the last mock was today, also my ear infection is pretty much nearly fixed thanks to ear spray and painkillers. The first week back from being off for half term always throws me off a little.
As expected of a Friday it well and truly cheered me up. I laughed, I got butterflies and had a blast. My college life is moving forward, slowly but surely but I'm getting to terms with things and I'm ready to not have a rerun of last year.
I'm currently enjoying some music, which is good to wear earphones without being muffled or hurting my ear a lot.
Tomorrow should be a good day, I plan on attending  a writing group, which meeting other writers in my age range is always a blessing. I have good vibes mainly because I really get along with creative people and our ideas bounce off one another and well sometimes that's all the inspiration I need!
I may stay up late too, catch up on my Sims and just chill. It is the weekend, it is well needed!


Wrecking ball

Friday 8 January 2016

So it started off reluctantly getting out of bed, drinking tea and toast getting ready grabbing my lunch and heading out of the door. Where I'm welcomed with not so warm weather. A short walk to the bus stop, boring bus journey of awkwardness. Chatting with friends whilst walking up to college, once in the building printing essay off and grabbing a Costa Hot chocolate and curren tly sat in tutorial at 09:05.
10:16 Just finished my first hour of Media, it has been good but it is kind of recap due to covering this particular topic in Film.
11:22 Just finished media and going into English.  Feeling rather ugh it seems the smallest of things are annoying me, like how one person's head always gets in the way or how that same person is annoying and that same person just naturally annoys me. Lets just say not feeling so happy, today is one of those days.
12:30 English was good, we annotated and analysised some texts which I always enjoy. Currenlyu waiting on one of my closest friends to have lunch. Also diet is going well I'm being very good and resisting temptation!
12:41 I let my anxious and nerves get the better of me so I'm sitting alone eating food outside of my classroom for the next lesson which isn't until half one. What a gripping life you so lead! However my next lessons is a room on the third floor. Not all bad I guess I've got time for some mindless self reflection.
14:40 First hour of Media is done,it is going really well. I'm excited to do my media work going to be doing Misc en Scene, very exciting!
16:48 the one where I was feeling like crap and then made to feel worse. They say strangers don't care how you look then why did I just get verbal abuse about my weight from strangers in a passing car. Thanks for that knock to my self esteem very much appreciated. Feeling like a bundle of mess, I got to my sister's boyfriends house to walk his dog after being shouted at and bawled my eyes out to myself in an empty house, because one of those days. Being told I'm going to die and that I'm fat is degrading because it was shouted as though I didn't know, like I don't know how much I weigh like he doesn't know how much I'm dieting and eager to loose weight. Like I could be home, stuffing my face no instead I'm walking up hills, watching what I eat and trying to loose weight. It's horrible how a stranger can just do that like they know nothing about that person instead they just insult without even thinking about the battle that person has with themselves.
18:01 Feeling a lot better. I've walked the puppy. Now just sitting on the floor as it plays, I'm currently listening to music whilst watching the Bosc waiting for my sister so I can grab my stuff for my interview tomorrow.
21:16 I've eat food, had a lovely bath and sorted everything out for my interview tomorrow. I'm feeling good, way better than I was feeling earlier. I shouldn't let mindless people get to me! I am going to have an early night so this is good bye, tomorrow is a new day and I shall make it a good one and give it my all at my very first interview, wish me luck!

Friday with Lauren

Friday 16 October 2015

It seems I already forgot to keep up the weekly college guide, but worry not it shall return!

1) Comfort? Comfort. I cannot stress this enough, please where something comfortable it is for your benefit because trust me you don't want to be hoisting up your leggings ever five minutes, or fiddling on with some complicated piece of clothing. I suggest comfort because in college you will be moving around a lot (a bummer I know) but since you are being so active then why not be comfortable while you do so? I'm completely looking out for your best interest here.

2) Fully charged phone. This may sound obvious but I'd have you know that the other day I woke up to an almost dead phone, it seems I either forgot to plug it on or the charger somehow disconnected, I'm going with the latter. I know phone's are the mean source of procrastination however in college they are good for other stuff; like if you're laptop is dead, or you cannot access a computer you can always use your phone. Plus you never know when you need to get in touch with someone, like email a teacher work or whatever.

3) Smile! Yes smile, whilst you are working your butt off it is all the same important to just smile take a breather and let the beautiful day consume you. This also applies to not working yourself too much, yes studying is important but so is your sanity!

4) High lighters and gel pens? A must. These little sticks of colour are definitely a must for your pencil case. Not only does it add to your previous bought pens but they are actually useful when you are doing your a levels. I am constantly high lighting things, taking notes, annotating things and trust me these bursts of colours all of my pages are helping me to do so, plus it looks pretty and not boring. This is coming from someone who hated high lighters throughout her high school years.

5) A day off? Email in. In the unfortunate event of you being ill (or simply skiving) you should definitely get in touch with your subject teachers, to let them know and also so they can email you the work you will be missing, as falling behind is definitely a no go!

That's all I have got for you with the college guide this week, I've been WritingMyHeart and you've been wonderful!

College Guide #2

Friday 9 October 2015

Where is the time going? I swear it was only August five seconds ago. The weeks are swishing by in a fast blur, I've noticed time has a way of passing quicker when you're older. You're so busy and consumed in work and living you simply forget the date changes. Yesterday felt like a Monday, I was pleased to find that today is Friday. The weekend if finally upon us. I have work to do, which we both know will probably be left until Sunday or at the very latest Tuesday. I am keeping on top of things though, I refuse to allow the work load pile up and stress me out. I have a feeling that soon enough it will be Summer again, it is almost frightening how a week has gone within a flash.

Gone within a flash

Friday 2 October 2015

In a lifetime we witness, suppress and express so many emotions, places and happenings. We are constantly thinking, feeling and living. Each day we learn and grow as human beings, we develop as individuals. We face some tough times in our journey, we look danger in the eye, and we walk on the line of risk. On our journey we meet so many people along the way, and some of them you become attached to. They become prominent, sometimes though they are suddenly unavailable, they've either been taken from us or we are no longer a part of their journey. Where does that leave us? Stuck. Feeling all types of ways, thinking all types of things. On my journey so far I have discovered maybe of the hardest things to do; letting go. It is difficult, draining and time consuming. It isn't simple, you can just flick a switch and decide to move on, damn I wish it were that simple. You have formed an attachment with someone or something, you've become fond with the feeling of their presence. You get so comfortable with them, then all of a sudden you are uncomfortable, lonely and constantly trying to find a distraction. I haven't moved on, after so long how simply can I?

Letting Go

Sunday 20 September 2015

So as it seems the Summer has been whisked away and we are starting out in September! A busy month for most if not all! Realization is beginning dawn in that perhaps the summer was slightly wasted and that preparation should be done for another year in sixth form.

I have been taking some time away from writing and the blog, but I am back and ready to type till my hearts content. I kind of noticed that my blog doesn't really have a theme, I just post things from my daily life, my thoughts and whatever I write or ideas. So what this blog is about well, I'm not sure how to categorize it to be honest!

If you are reading my blog, at some random chance, please share as it would help a lot!

Hello September,

September you have arrived again, usually I dread you and wish there was someway to delay you. However, I have come quite accustomed to your arrival over the years.This time I am quite thrilled by your occurance, I am ready to begin a new term in my life. Turn over a leaf if you will, plus I have become quite in love with Autumn and the beauty it brings with it.

I will make this a good September, I welcome you with open arms and ready to take on any challenge you face me with!

Hello September!

Friday 4 September 2015

Sadness.
It fills you completely, it hovers above you like a cloud. It corrupts your thoughts and feelings turning everything sour and negative. It's a feeling we have all felt before maybe some more than others. There is no time limit on it.
It can be caused by many different things, it could be because the loss of someone, maybe heartbreak or an event that has happened. It could occur because of bullying, anything can cause it. Maybe sometimes there isn't a reason for it, maybe there just isn't anything to be about happy about.
Sadness. It could lead to many things, like most things it can lead to bad things. It could leave you lonely, sadness could make you push everyone away. It could force you to do things you wouldn't normally do. It can lead to depression. It can lead to self harm.
It doesn't last forever, because after a storm there is always sun. Sadness is a milestone you just got to get back up from it and show sadness you are stronger. But being sad doesn't make you weak remember that you just got to get over it, life goes on!
I could have picked a million other feelings but I thought no this one because I think sadness is a common feeling and everyone has felt it at some point and perhaps people don't realize how sadness can effect people.
Next time you see someone sad, don't kick them while they're down instead offer a shoulder or a small talk it could make a difference. And if you're currently filled with sadness trust me it won't last forever, and there is always someone you can talk to!

Sadness

Thursday 13 August 2015


Dear my older self,
So you're reading this. That's good, are the memories coming back? Of you, sitting in your bedroom typing away on your dad's laptop. Wondering what was going through your sixteen year old self's mind, well you've made it. You survived being a teenager, be happy. You've came this far what is there left to stress about?
I hope you're different from me, I hope you have stopped caring about what people think. I hope you've gotten over the worries. Stopped OVER THINKING EVERYTHING? Probably not. I hope you're happy. Most importantly I pray you haven't given up on writting? I think you should have a read at your old stuff, see the difference, pick up a pen and develop those ideas.
I bet you haven't thought about your old friends in a while, pick up the phone and give them a text will you? Whatever bad stuff has happened get over it, life's too short to dwell and be negative, even you should know that.
Why don't you take a trip down memory lane, log into your old twitter see what you used to be, see what you were. Remember the fan-girl life, idolize Justin. Catch up with the girls, have fun. The main point of this is to see if you're happy, see if I'm happy.
That's all you've ever cared about really, just remember if you're happy then you must be doing something right. I hope you smile more than you did, smiling is good always good. I can't imagine myself in ten years, all I can do is hope I will be a good person, a person who better than myself right now, I want to have achieved something, what am I like? What are you like?
Have you published your first book? Have you finally got over my lack of self belief? I hope you've moved from the hometown? Are you finally in Newyork living in an apartment and writing almost every day? I hope you see the family a lot, have you treat mom and dad to a holiday to show appreciation?
There is so much I could say to you but I just can't put the words together...
If you haven't done anything with your life, get your ass up now and get something done, you weren't born to be a failure, you were to make something of yourself.
Don't dwell on your past either, what has happened trust me your younger self; me will deal with it. You're stronger than you think. What has happened has happened, you can't change that and I can't change that, we both have to move on.
I feel crazy, does this count as talking to myself?
We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have travelled land and sea. But aslong as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be!
I hope that you've made something of yourself. Remember we are the same person but we are different, you're not like you used to be, don't doubt yourself. You're a much better person, you don't care what people think, you're happy and everything happens for a reason.
I don't know what I can say to you, a part from wishing I was you, ten years older than I am. I want to see if I did everything I wanted to do, but now I see the only way to do that is to take action now. What I do now effects my future.
This letter could jibberish, you might not even read this but it's here and in the back of your mind you know it. Don't forget Wattpad, ever! It was the start of your serious writing, it's your haven.
Be yourself, people love you. Don't stress because that never does any good!
BE HAPPY THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS! DON'T GIVE UP, WHATEVER YOU DO WE WE CAN'T GIVE UP, NOT NOW NOT EVER!
It's hard because I can only hope for what you would be like, I only wish. I don't know. I hope for you to be happy and just a good person, I want you to be proud of yourself, like I am proud of you.
I've been through a lot, as a sixteen year old, and we survived and I know that being a teenager is hard but what I forgot to do was have fun and be happy, I don't want that for you. You may become second best in situations but never become second best to yourself. I've learnt I am my own worst enemy but I've accepted that I am your best friend.
Thing go wrong, but life moves on. Face your problems don't avoid them, be a good person. Please keep writing and be caring and love everyone.
Food is cooking, and you know how much we love food so see you around :) I can't wait to be you!
Yours sincerely, me your sixteen year old self!

26 Year Old Me

Wednesday 12 August 2015