I was going to a story time of what happened Tuesday but here's a quick summary before I go into a deeper issue.
I wore the dungaree outfit which is plastered all over my instagram. I was incredibly self-conscious. Went over the best friends where she did my make up and I did my hair and we took a lot of pictures (my discovery was made in her bedroom but will go further into that soon) we chilled and then went out. Bought tickets to Eddie the Eagle grabbed Bubble Cha and what not and then we waited for the bus. Only it wasn't a pleasant wait, an older guy drunk decided he wanted to check me out well it was obvious he almost stopped walking staring at my legs and looking me up and down, me and my best friend blatantly saw and watched him and he couldn't have cared less and decided to coo and crap and I was creeped out, the thought creeps me out still. I get I had my legs on show but it wasn't for attention, it was to rock a cute outfit and make myself feel better about myself. But anyways it was a good day. - summary over.
So I was in my best friend's bedroom, she had left to go to toilet so I was on my own. Since she is an art student she naturally has scissors in her room, and other sharp stuff. She keeps a razor there to do her eye brows which she did mine too which are just fabulous, eye brow game was strong. It was triggering. Seeing these harmfull object my thoughts were all these objects she could easily self harm, no one would ever know. How is it not tempting? I'm getting itches just being here alone. It then made me realise that some people are just a lot stronger than myself emotionally, and that not everyone has turned to these things when they're feeling low. And it made me realize that I too am strong, it has been over two years since I last self harmed and the fact I am aware of things and possibilities, but I know which of my thoughts are wrong. It's weird actually putting this on my blog, it is a personal thing and it's difficult but it shows I'm strong enough now to not push my past problems to the back of my mind, I am aware of them and well this here is the only place I've voiced these recent thoughts. I can't exactly talk about this to people in person, and my blog is basically like my own diary. It's just odd that Tuesday the day I choose to be more confident and take the next step of self love that I'm taunted my own thoughts and reminder of self harming, maybe these thoughts were a reminder of how far I've emotionally come and that I deal with things much differently now and I'm not the person I was all those years ago. I am moving forward and I will eventually be where I am meant to be. I am proud of my self, instead of my making my blood pour I pour my emotions into my writing. Maybe I will talk more about these kind of things at a later date, I don't know. I'm just taking small stepping stones into letting my feelings and past experiences onto here. It's risky but it's something I need to do for myself. And if you're someone I know reading this, don't be worried I am fine and I will continue to be fine. Trust me!
