Two Minds

I want to be happy, and I want to be with him. But Lauren you know you don't really want that. I want to move forward from this stage of awkwardness. You would be lost without this stage of awkwardness, you're not even handling it properly as it is. I feel like I'm ready, I'm ready to accept the love I deserve. Lauren you aren't fooling anyone, you're not ready, you're never ready for anything, and we both know you aren't ready to accept the love you deserve, you're clueless to exactly what you deserve. I want to be happy, smiling and holding his hand. Lauren, need I tell you more about how you destroy your own happiness, you rarely smile and you can't even hold your own hand never mind anyone else'. I never want these butterflies to end, they're empowering and motivating. You're deluding yourself, you're not fooling anyone around  you, especially him, so stop trying to fool yourself.

Two Minds

Monday, 18 January 2016

Like me?

Do we as humans crave to be liked? Are we tweaking things about ourselves or how we are seen in order to impress someone? If so why?
I can be talking to a friend about something, maybe an insecurity or something I'm not quite agreeing with that day, and I will express my little moan and then shrug it off with the words "Fuck it I don't care, it's not like it matters" how true am I being though? If I really didn't care, and if it didn't matter than it wouldn't be bothering me would it?
I got thinking why do we try to get people to like us? Why fix my hair like that or try to post my cutest selfie? I know that the real people in your life are the ones who like you for who you are, your real friends are the ones who have seen you a complete mess and continue to love you because none of that crap really matters.
Firstly, let's talk about the real life liking before I get into the whole social media liking which I will probably do a separate post about in the future. In real life, I have kind of noticed (from personal experience) that perhaps sometimes around certain people we aren't perhaps being a 100% ourselves, maybe we are holding back or telling a few white lies, we just want to impress certain individuals and quite frankly you want to base a friendship or even relationship on something you perhaps have in common. But why do we try and erase a little bit of ourselves? I wish I was able to just shout out from the rooftops my passions and the fact I love to read and write more than anything in the whole world. I have a task for us, below comment the truest paragraph about yourself, don't try to be impressive or think you're being stupid, let's be true to ourselves;

I am Lauren, I'm seventeen and I frickin love books. I'm kind of mean sometimes, I'm passionate and to be honest I am a really excitable person especially over small things. I'd rather spend the night in playing sims or watching Bridget or Greg Davies than go out. I overthink too much, I care a lot about everything even the unnecessary things in life. I don't cry at Titanic but I sob my heart out at Toy Story 2. I really like tea and only drink Coffee if it is Costa. I like women and I like men, I hate labels and this the first time I've ever posted about it, quite frankly because I don't think it needs to be announced, it is no ones business but my own. I get feelings for people quickly, and I have trust issues. I am my own worst enemy but I am on a journey of self love. I lack common sense, I'm not really that smart I just know a lot about little. I question almost about everything, it is frustrating to myself as well as to others. I love ranting, I can't go a day without ranting to somebody. I'm obsessed with Marshall Allman - pretty much everyone I know has no clue of his existence but he is my ultimate favourite actor. I live in my head, I have worlds of my own inside of my head and quite frankly I use them to escape every day life.

That felt good, it really did. I'm fully aware it is now on the internet and well let's just say this is my first step of not caring. It is a good release. I feel tired of trying to please people, if that guy doesn't like me for me then there is nothing I can go to change that. If I'm too much of a book worm to be that girls friend then so be it, I'm not going to give up something I love. One of the problems I'm facing is caring too much about what other people think, when I'm dressing I always have someone in mind, when I'm posting online I'm always making sure whatever I do appeals to someone, I need to stop. From this day onward I'm posting for me, I'm dressing for me I am doing everything for me.

Like me?

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Dwelling

I have this mood poisoning habit, I hate it but I don't know how to stop. My problem is I dwell too much, on little things, big things and stupid futile things. It's annoying, why can't I just forget about it and move on. Instead I just think about it a lot. Dwelling on it until it completely ruins my mood.  It's not good to dwell on things, you're just setting yourself up to be put in a bad mood. I've noted that a lot of what we feel is self inflicted. How much more clear would our thoughts be if we didn't worry about simple things, or over analyse? It's good to just let it go sometimes.

Dwelling

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

Best For Me

I'm all about change lately, first I will explain why and the build up to my most recent change. On the 10th of September I started year 13 in sixth form, and well between me and you it didn't go well. There was talk of English Lit being stopped, and well I was told to think of another option. I was devastated, English is my passion as you guys know. 

So Friday came along, my tutor had a meeting to find out the deal and English had definitely been stopped. Which was annoying as I had already done my first year, only to be told I can longer continue it. Disheartening, I basically let myself be talked into another subject. Which I was told to produce work for over the weekend (I worked my ass off) so Monday comes along and I realize that I miss English, genuinely miss it but I just went on. This new subject teacher basically told me all the work I did over the weekend wasn't what she wanted and told me to produce something else for the following day. Can you imagine how annoyed I felt. 

I did spend the night drawing and what not, and fast forward to this morning. Where I realized the only reason I went to college was for English, and it is something I want to do, and I had a breakdown, to be honest I felt let down. If I had known this was going to happen I would have went to a completely different college. I had enough, and I know English is my passion and I shouldn't have to be forced not to pursue it. My parents were being so supportive, my mother made me take the day off she rang up telling them how much the college let me down especially since I had been promised at the end of last year that there will be an English course to return to. 

My parents suggested that I looked for a new college, I was a little wary I mean this is packing my whole life up I have known my sixth form for 6 years now (due to is being a part of my high school) my mam told me to look online and what not. I found a college that interested in me,the courses seemed appealing but being my nervous self I had concerns. My parents talked me into calling the college and seeing what the deal is, I asked if it was possible to attend for one subject and carry on my other two with my original sixth form, which turned out to not be an option. However, they got me thinking and they suggested I changed sixth form completely and I was welcome to come in for a meeting. 

I had a change of heart, I found myself feeling excited so I looked into the courses and was more than happy. They offered much more than my last, plus they offer a course I originally wanted to do which was English Lit and Lang. I felt ready to move on with my old sixth form, and I was eager for my possible new one. So I went to the meeting only to fall in love with the whole sixth form, the vibes were amazing, and I enrolled immediately. I have never felt so ready and willing for change ever in my life.I know it means not seeing my best friends as much as I do but I have  to do what is best for me. For once I wasn't going to allow my future to be in someone elses hands.Today I took control and did what was best for me. I will be restarting my AS levels, my subjects are now English Lit&Lang, Media Studies and Film Studies. Tomorrow is my first day and I am excited and ready to take control.

Never stop chasing your passion, whatever you do make sure you stay true to yourself

Best For Me

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

26 Year Old Me

Dear my older self,

So you're reading this. That's good, are the memories coming back? Of you, sitting in your bedroom typing away on your dad's laptop. Wondering what was going through your sixteen year old self's mind, well you've made it. You survived being a teenager, be happy. You've came this far what is there left to stress about?

I hope you're different from me, I hope you have stopped caring about what people think. I hope you've gotten over the worries. Stopped OVER THINKING EVERYTHING? Probably not. I hope you're happy. Most importantly I pray you haven't given up on writting? I think you should have a read at your old stuff, see the difference, pick up a pen and develop those ideas.

I bet you haven't thought about your old friends in a while, pick up the phone and give them a text will you? Whatever bad stuff has happened get over it, life's too short to dwell and be negative, even you should know that.

Why don't you take a trip down memory lane, log into your old twitter see what you used to be, see what you were. Remember the fan-girl life, idolize Justin. Catch up with the girls, have fun. The main point of this is to see if you're happy, see if I'm happy.

That's all you've ever cared about really, just remember if you're happy then you must be doing something right. I hope you smile more than you did, smiling is good always good. I can't imagine myself in ten years, all I can do is hope I will be a good person, a person who better than myself right now, I want to have achieved something, what am I like? What are you like?

Have you published your first book? Have you finally got over my lack of self belief? I hope you've moved from the hometown? Are you finally in Newyork living in an apartment and writing almost every day? I hope you see the family a lot, have you treat mom and dad to a holiday to show appreciation?

There is so much I could say to you but I just can't put the words together...

If you haven't done anything with your life, get your ass up now and get something done, you weren't born to be a failure, you were to make something of yourself.

Don't dwell on your past either, what has happened trust me your younger self; me will deal with it. You're stronger than you think. What has happened has happened, you can't change that and I can't change that, we both have to move on.

I feel crazy, does this count as talking to myself?

We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have travelled land and sea. But aslong as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be!

I hope that you've made something of yourself. Remember we are the same person but we are different, you're not like you used to be, don't doubt yourself. You're a much better person, you don't care what people think, you're happy and everything happens for a reason.

I don't know what I can say to you, a part from wishing I was you, ten years older than I am. I want to see if I did everything I wanted to do, but now I see the only way to do that is to take action now. What I do now effects my future.

This letter could jibberish, you might not even read this but it's here and in the back of your mind you know it. Don't forget Wattpad, ever! It was the start of your serious writing, it's your haven.

Be yourself, people love you. Don't stress because that never does any good!

BE HAPPY THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS! DON'T GIVE UP, WHATEVER YOU DO WE WE CAN'T GIVE UP, NOT NOW NOT EVER!

It's hard because I can only hope for what you would be like, I only wish. I don't know. I hope for you to be happy and just a good person, I want you to be proud of yourself, like I am proud of you.

I've been through a lot, as a sixteen year old, and we survived and I know that being a teenager is hard but what I forgot to do was have fun and be happy, I don't want that for you. You may become second best in situations but never become second best to yourself. I've learnt I am my own worst enemy but I've accepted that I am your best friend.

Thing go wrong, but life moves on. Face your problems don't avoid them, be a good person. Please keep writing and be caring and love everyone.

Food is cooking, and you know how much we love food so see you around :) I can't wait to be you!

Yours sincerely, me your sixteen year old self!

26 Year Old Me

Wednesday, 12 August 2015