all she sees is you

She's dumbed herself down She's curved her once sharpened edges Your kiss is now her weakness. Once, no such weaknesses could be found Her personality was as firey as her inflamed hair And now it conforms like a soldier entering the war. The war we know as love Her green eyes were bright with knowledge And now they're dulled with common sense Oh how you've chained that once free soul Her bright colour now watered down Oh how her dance is now a stumbled march Her brain has been blurred and now all she sees is you.

all she sees is you

Wednesday 1 March 2017

Rehearsal

I've had this conversation in my head at least twenty times already, each time it doesn't get easier. It's panned out in my head as I tell you how I feel and you disagree and try to to talk me out of it, and each time me crying and hurting but trying to do what is best. I've imagined what I'd say and thought about how you'd respond. It's not easy, in my head it's just as messed up as it would be in person. How can you rehearse breaking someone's heart?

I've been skipping any song related to love, I escape the overloading thoughts of you with my early nights, only to the world they're early nights but to me it's tossing and turning of tears and cold heart ache.

Give me alcohol, give me paracetamol; take these thoughts away and cover these feelings. I don't want to deal with this right now, but if not now when? This pain injected into my  veins will only be ten times as bad in  six months.  We should depart now but what if you take my soul and happiness with you?

Rehearsal

Monday 6 February 2017

Well done

Well done they tell me
you've lured one in
and ensnared his heart
you're no longer single and free

my relationship status
achieved more congratulations
than my success of my poetry
like finding love is the most important apparatus;
to heal my heart.

Screw that
sure I am in love
but I have been in love much longer
than when a man came into my life.
I found my true love much sooner
for writing my heart has been like an acrobat

Energetic with enthusiasms
words amongst thousands of pages
for years writing has been my lover
creating characters, making drama
lives created, places and people
for this love I know will last forever and ages.

Well done

Saturday 21 January 2017

Rest in his palms

I did not ever think I'd be the person; to feel so hard and fall so slow. I never imagined a person being able to bring such pure happiness into my life, but most of all I never imagined that a single thought of losing that person would ache and steal my breath. I've allowed my happiness to rest in his palms, and I couldn't care because he's in my world. I'm learning new things and feeling new ways, it's an adventure that I'm adoring, an adventure that will shut me down when it comes to an end. Let's not think of the inevitable ending for I am in love and I do not want to let go.

Rest in his palms

Sunday 18 December 2016

Do you mean it?

Do you and your partner tell each other yous love each other right? And do you mean it every since time? Do you feel love every time you say the words or type them? Surely they become meaningless? Like they're just words. Do you not just find yourself saying them for the sake of it? Because maybe you have to? I figured surely if those three words are used to commonly, surely they eventually ware off and don't have the same sentiments as they did the first time you spoke them. Actions speak louder than words, I've  always thought the small things matter. Is love different for everyone? Like do we experience it differently, do we sometimes have it and not know? When did you know you were properly in love? There's something melancholic about love, you either feel or you don't, or you pretend you do and try and mask what really isn't there.

Do you mean it?

Saturday 17 December 2016

It's not love

She's my favourite jigsaw.
I piece together her heart
As she pieces together my thoughts.
It's a game we play
But it's not love.

My lips her cheek
Her nose my neck
Her eyes my eyes
Together we make a picture.

Her body fits perfectly against mine
My arms hold us together
And she snugs to my chest
She fits into me and I hold us together.
But, it's not love.

Her skin my lips
Her breathing my heart beating
Her kisses my cries
Her eyes my soul.
My heart her teeth.
It's not love.

It's a game we play
Not love.

It's not love

Friday 11 March 2016

We Weren't Together

We weren't even together. We weren't in a "relationship". We just happened to cross paths and spend a lot of time together, time we didn't really have a choice about. Times where I looked into your green eyes, and stared at your glossed lips. Why does it hurt? To know what ever the heck you said was temporary. Why when I was getting used to your smile it begin to fade into a frown, and soon enough fade away all together. Until now, where I'm sitting in my thoughts of your long hair, pretty eyes and your curves. Your god damn curves. The way you would set off butterflies I never knew existed, the way you got me thinking about things I didn't think was possible. I let you build up my confidence and see more in myself,  and now what? Does it just all go away? I couldn't even call you mine, and I still can't.  Maybe it was fantasised in my head, maybe the long talks were just wishful thinking on my behalf. Boys have broke my heart but you? A fellow woman I didn't think it were possible. I was wrong, so damn wrong.  Turns out the same sex can do just as much damage. I can't even say it's the break up that's got me feeling, because we were never together to be a part. It's so dumb, and I don't think I will ever understand.

We Weren't Together

Saturday 5 March 2016

Heartbreak Home

Do you ever hear something, or be told something and it ruins you? It confirms a suspicion and breaks your heart into pieces. You can barely breathe as if the very life has been sucked out of you. You run to escape and it's almost like your legs have given up on you. You fight back the tears even though there's no reason left to fight. You become weak, and the walls you built have smashed right before your eyes. You've got to act like you're okay but you're anything but. You're shaking and every word you type you have to correct, it's like the love inside of you has been pushed out of you. The person you devoted yourself to dotes on someone else. It's heartbreak when it happens once, but it's like home when it continues to happen. A familiar lonely home that you're more than used to, the closer you get to home the numbing begins and it usually stays...

Heartbreak Home

Saturday 30 January 2016

To You

I could write all the words that make me think of you, I could write a poem and brush off the emotions you make me feel, I could rant a piece about all the things I like about you. I could, I could. What would all of that do? It could express everything from within, but can it? Can the words intensify the meaning, can a poem capture the feelings, can a rant expose the little things. Words are my usual haven, they help me out when I have nowhere left to go. Yet when you're involve.d not even words can piece together all of this for you. Words simply cannot understand the feelings, the meanings or the true need of my heart. For once even to words I am vulnerable, they spin around my head as I try to scramble together a sentence. You knock the words out of me, along with all my senses. Even though you've made my sentences weak, and my writing flow strange,I wouldn't  change it for the world, nor would I change you.

To You

Wednesday 20 January 2016

Monday Moods

Monday has inched its way upon us. I'm usually quite welcoming of Monday but I guess this week not so much. I had to wake up extra early today so that is taking its toll on me. At the moment I feel tired, slightly hungry (I skipped breakfast oops) and well damn right not myself. Of course I won't allow this to effect my day and the effort I put into college. It seems I only have one week until half term, so that means I can recharge, and even do some writing.
I've been doing some self reflection (I have been doing this a lot lately) and I'm starting to see that perhaps most of my relationships (friendships) are one sided, I feel as though perhaps I am the only one giving, the only trying to maintain the relationship. I'm the one compromising, and where does it leave me? Sitting alone outside of a room on the third floor, if that isn't lonesome then I don't know what is. That aside, I do value all my relationships (again friendships) I like the people I talk to. I share particular things with each person and that's what our foundations are based upon.
I'm just wondering is it possible to become my own best friend? I strongly believe the only person you 100% depend on (even if you don't want to) is yourself. I'm in no hurry to end any friendships, but I'm also not going to brush this concerns under the carpet either.
I need to reevaluate situations, and alter things so I can (selfishly) get the most out of things. Do you want to know what my problem is? I expect too much, but what is too much about expecting the same kind of gratitude back for what I give. Surely that deserves something?

Monday Moods

Monday 19 October 2015

A Game Of Hearts

- Just a little piece that I wrote in the December of 2014 -

With you all it ever is or has been is a game of hearts. A battle and restrain. Sometimes good and thrilling but most of the time heart aching and painful. With our game of hearts it is never just one round, it repeats itself, and each and every time round someone always ends up feeling the wrath of it all. The first time it was just playful, but more and more unwanted players hopped on board and forced us the original players to break, we weren't ready.

Before we even tried we ended the game, I threw you away like another little broken piece. You were my little toy that I could have at my own beck and call. For about two years it was the same, started hopeful but ended messily, pushing and huffing. 

A test came to us, roughly two year ago, we went on a whole new journey, the game changed, it turned up a notch, it was thrilling. We were mysterious, it was just us. The tingling sensations we gave one another, we were alive. The little levels we went up, until you dropped the bomb. Shattered me, shattered me for good. The tables were turned, you found a new piece to play with, and I was the one thrown away like nothing. It teared me open, it made me numb, and I went crazy. My limits had be pushed, I didn't want the game to end but I had no choice.

I surrendered to my own little game, numbness cutting into me. I was alone, I felt betrayed. That was the start of my own little mind games, the game I seemed to play myself. Once the journey had ended, I was back at home base, and you weren't there. Not that I cared, I shut the rest of the players out. In the game of hearts, this time my heart was the one that was torn.

You came knocking on the board, explaining yourself. Ditching the old two year game for a brand spanking new five day player, well I torn once more, the board became flooded and I was done. I knew you were naive to think the new game was better and would last, and I was right.

Since then you tried, you attempted to force me back on the board, in the game of hearts your heart was chasing mine, I sank and I wasn't going to allow you to bring me back up. You begged for the rules to be changed, tried to add new players in the game to peak my interest, I had enough of the game. My heart got burnt and I wasn't risking a thing. You became obsessed, you petrified me, scared to ever roll the dice again, with you or anyone.

Despite my reluctance to the game, I still felt it play around my heart. My head wasn't in the game but I'd always knew my heart was trapped. Even after two years of hell I was prepared to restart the game.  I pushed all I had into the center, for a test run, I was willing to re,-enter my heart into the game. You were reluctant, excuses and diversions.

We started, you kept throwing obstacles in my way, you didn't allow our pieces to stand side by side and face the obstacles together. I gambled everything just for you to drop me, send every inch of my heart into all directions. A side player had to push the truth in your way for you to realize and well I had given up. The board was drowned once again, for the very last time. I put my guards up and found new players, players whom held me up, battled you off. The game of hearts ended before it even had begun, and I was the one whom was left to hurt, that game is buried, you sir fellow player have blown my heart into smithereens enough, you shall never get even close to being back into my heart, for us the game of hearts has ended.

A Game Of Hearts

Monday 29 June 2015