Showing posts with label prose. Show all posts
Pebbles

Rough, Rigged and Rocky- an expanse of sand or pebbles along a shore. Every beach I have ever walked along filled me with serene happiness. The pads of my feet meeting silk sand whilst my worries washed away with the waves. I had always loved beaches, most of my fond childhood memories were set at the beach-  being chased by seagulls laughing until tears were as defined as the sand that coated my chips. I haven’t walked along this beach for 5 years, to this day. Here I am, stepping onto cold pebbles that unnerve my soul. Each step like ice to my chest. The sea haunts me, its screams flickering harshly against the pier. The pier that taunts my nightmares and shattered my whole being.
Allow me to take you back, to the first time my life altered forever. Nine years ago, I fell in love. I had just graduated from University, I got a first in my degree. I was hopeful and ready for the world to unleash itself upon me. As a naive northern twenty-one-year-old, I assumed I had mapped my life out before me. I was ready to roar in the industry I had finished my degree in; business, ready to make millions and be the next self-made Sara Blakely- only without the restricting material- I left my hometown and went down south. To Brighton to be exact. I found a nice little one-bedroom apartment, almost on the seafront. I say almost because I can see the sea from my window, alongside a rubbish tip. But, nonetheless, the stench could not overpower my eagerness.
A professor from my degree put me in touch with a small-time business, who were eager to hire graduates. I attended an interview, smartly dressed with bravery on a broach and wisdom around my chest like a sachet. That day I did not get the job but I did get the number of the male assistant who followed the boss around. This is where life took me in a whirl, to pay rent I started working in a  bar. The office guy who gave me his number kept trying to make a date with me but I had always been too busy to make the time for him.
One night he wandered into the bar, I remember his face beaming at me to finally see me again- and it was purely an accident. I was still busy but every other night he would come back to the bar just to sit and talk to me. He was my distraction from the drunk men ogling at me and the abuse that was hailed at me often. It was two weeks into this when I finally agreed to let him take me on a date. I didn’t want anything acentric so we walked along these very pebbles eating fish and chips as the sun began to fall asleep. All of the most significant moments in our relationship took place on Brighton beach, it is where it all began. It is where it all ended.

____

In the introduction week of University we were asked to write a 500 word piece of prose, we were allowed to write any genre as long as it was set in Brighton. So I came up with this little fiction piece,w hich essentially would be an opening chapter to a novel. 

500 Words of Prose

Tuesday, 24 October 2017

I try too sleep but these knots of my uncertain future keeps me awake. Stail failure corrupts my mind. A dislodged heart pushing it's away up my throat. I feel inhumane tonight- like I'm air ready to evaporated under heated mess. I'm not a lion of braveness, instead a mouse of self doubt.  Trying to escape the hours I've been staring at for days, my hope ticking along with it. In a few hours my fate will be made: and I fear the worst.

Thursday, 17 August 2017

She lived in a world of her own, the real world was too cruel to her. Naturally, she found safety in her own make belief. When life gives you lemons? She bites into them telling you that they are sweet. Her youth faded with the gunshot of her young husband, and she had to survive as her home crumbled with the dust of dead relatives. She is stuck in an endless cycle, with a thirst to be loved and lusted. Trouble, she meets often, it like this a second nature to her delicate soul. Despite her educated mind she is still as fragile as the lantern she shades herself with. She is the kind of woman who you would believe in a second, but you should not. She can fool men and run up a storm in her walk.  She flees when the trouble overpowers her, making the next city her victim.

- This piece is inspired by the character Blanche Dubois from the screenplay A Streetcar Named Desire, written by Tennessee Williams

Blanche

Monday, 31 July 2017

It's the hot cloud blackening a clear blue sky, it's the cool air turning toxic thick as it wraps its paws around a throat. It's chocking till a person is on the floor withering in a panic. It's the swelling of the world becoming too big for a minute soul. It's watching a clock but seeing only  fate come closer, the numbers yelling guilt as the hands bang against a chest like a  viscious trombone. It's only seeing selfishness without the selflessness behind it.

It's like dipping a toe into a blue lagoon that shimmers  with its reflection from above. It's wanting to run into the wild fields and keep running. It's also wanting to fully immerse yourself into the holy water that you know you will only taint. It's a magnet, both attracting and repelling. It's the sun blaring kindness but your soul bounding you sorrowfully to the squelching mud beneath you.

It's running fearlessy into a maze only to be imprisoned in tears between four walls. It's staring into a mirror and not knowing who is looking back. It's sitting under a hollow tree, finding comfort in the balcony of leaves above. It's  not wanting to leave but having to go. It's like walking onto an empty road, not knowing to turn right or left or wait for someone else who is on the same journey to ask them. It's being free but being trapped by your surroundings. Invisible chains disguised as specks of dust.

It's running into the distance till breathing is the only surrounding sound. It's twirling until the ground beneath is an unsteady pulse. It's a heavy heart on weak shoulders. It's wanting to do everything but being unable to complete nothing.

Rest in Peace Jonny

Grief

Saturday, 24 June 2017

She thought about space and how the stars shine together unknowingly being wished upon. She wondered of worlds other than her own. She thought about all the people she hasn't met and all the animals she hasn't greeted. So much more is out there she thinks, and how her brain takes her to the places she has been and her heart yearns for places she does not know. She thinks of the foods she hasn't had the pleasure of tasting, and the wines that will make her wince. She thinks about the quietness in space, would it be more enjoyable than this white walled cage? Would she be having the time of her life floating about in the stratosphere, mindlessly she drops her pencil, she does not pick it back up, instead, she stands up and leaves.

mindlessly

Sunday, 7 May 2017

I feel so trapped by my emotions, my thoughts cage me in and I just want it to stop. This 10-minute mood change is wearing me out, from a burst of happiness to wanting to hide from the world. Every 10 minutes a new emotion decides to fuel me, I don't understand why. Why must I have to feel so much in such little time. I try to hold onto happiness knowing too well a shadow of emotion will inevitably pass. Yet when I feel sadness, my whole life is tainted grey. I feel so much and it draining, emotionally, mentally and physically. I tried avoiding these by sleeping, but due to things I have to do I cannot spend my days in bed, even though I would much rather.

Trapped

Thursday, 20 April 2017

I am not 100% sure why but I have been emotionally exhausted, for what must be months now. I am constantly tired, I am sleeping to stop thinking, I am sleeping just because I don't want to do anything else. Right now, I am sat on my bed in a dark room. I am not happy, as a human I understand we aren't supposed to be happy all the time - that is almost impossible, but I feel as though I probably should be happier than I am a lot of the time.
Sixth form, I wish I was that happy 17 year old I was when I first walked through the automatic glass doors, now I cannot stand the place. The excitement for my future has been swallowed by dread. I tell my best friend that I want to die at least 5 times a lesson, even now I can't tell if I am joking or if I am actually losing the will to live. One out of three lessons I don't hate, the other two I turn up simply because of attendance. I once used to feel guilty when teachers got mad or stressed with my class now I just don't care.
That body positivity I posted about two months ago, or the pretend happy gym selfies I post on Instagram, I don't where all that went. I am not positive, I probably hate myself more than ever and gym? It fills up my frees and takes over my life but becomes pointless when food is my only source of happiness, eating salad makes me want to kill myself. I feel much happier eating a burger than I do eating a piece of lettuce. I sweat my ass off in the gym only to find out I gained weight, it wasn't even muscle gain this time. It's not easy they tell me, it takes time but how I can carry on with the gym when my bed feels much safer. I don't have to face my reflection in the dark.
I follow plus size models on Instagram so I don't cry when there is a thin person in my feed, I lie to those who ask how the gym is going, it's going great but really the £15 a month feels like a death sentence. I have fallen out of love with taking selfies on Snapchat, instead, I cover the camera. I throw this facade on my social media, I may it look like  I don't hate the world I live in, like drinking is only a social event and not my survival and escape, I post pictures that make me look creative, when really I haven't written anything decent in months.
I am angry or ready to cry, nothing inbetween, a constant state of deterioration. I can't stop myself from breaking, and I don't think I would want to if I could. I just keep falling, and whatever motivation my heart once carried is now a shadow of dust, a matter of inconvience. I push myself out, push the people I am supposed to love away, I used to cry of loneliness and now I just cry and sleep. I can't feel anything if my blanket is my support system, I cannot think anything if dreams taking up all my headspace.

reflection in the dark

Monday, 10 April 2017

Man 1 - thanks me twice when giving, thanks me once when taking.

Man 2 - crumples every piece of paper he gets his hands on, in my head I call him Mr Crumple.

Man 3 -  Knows Trifector Crossed; I know Tricast always.

Trio of men

Sunday, 19 March 2017


It was this moment, her stress disintegrated with the rays of the sun shining down on her. It was gods kiss that made her skin glow, her freedom had finally washed upon her. Her sins vanishing into the thin air as her angelic tendencies arise. She was no longer troubled by demons, instead empowered by the inner hope that always glowed in the centre of the flesh that would beat only intensely for him, but no longer it beats for that  monster but beats only for herself. For now she is no longer that damsel in distress, for now she is stronger than any man that would dare to challenge her, she does not need a single soul to cheer her on, or drag down, she has discovered that overwhelming independence. And forever more she shall hold onto that fierce feeling, and will conquer any wall that shall arise before her. This woman does not live for the sake of others, she will not be belittled and told she is nothing, for she is everything and much more.

Gods Kiss

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

When I was younger, a few years back, I came across a video online. It was a man speaking into a camera, and women would send him photographs of themselves and in these videos, he would respond to these photographs. Complimenting them and comparing their bodies to nature, I remember him once saying 'bountiful curves like blessed mountains'. My initial thought was, he is a nice guy and he is trying to make these women feel better about themselves, but as I think about it now the sad reality of it kicks in.

Those women were essentially sending themselves to a stranger for validation, they are putting their self-worth into the mouth of this man. But, what these women perhaps do not know is; any stranger, or even a person you know, can tell you you're beautiful, but it will never mean as much as you telling yourself you are beautiful.

The only person's opinion that will truly ever matter is your own. How many compliments have you received and actually accepted at face value? What you tell yourself in the mirror matters much more than any comment on a screen. You have spent your whole life with yourself, and if you like it or not you will continue to do so. So, love yourself now because you will save yourself some trouble in the future. Know your self-worth.

I wish those years back, I could read this. I wish young Lauren was as self-aware as I am now. She was naive  and so obsessed with other people accepting her, admittedly that is somewhat a little true today, but I like to think I've picked up a thing or two.

an opinion that will matter

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

I've had this conversation in my head at least twenty times already, each time it doesn't get easier. It's panned out in my head as I tell you how I feel and you disagree and try to to talk me out of it, and each time me crying and hurting but trying to do what is best. I've imagined what I'd say and thought about how you'd respond. It's not easy, in my head it's just as messed up as it would be in person. How can you rehearse breaking someone's heart?
I've been skipping any song related to love, I escape the overloading thoughts of you with my early nights, only to the world they're early nights but to me it's tossing and turning of tears and cold heart ache.
Give me alcohol, give me paracetamol; take these thoughts away and cover these feelings. I don't want to deal with this right now, but if not now when? This pain injected into my  veins will only be ten times as bad in  six months.  We should depart now but what if you take my soul and happiness with you?

Rehearsal

Monday, 6 February 2017

I think I'm on the bus with a writer, a notepad she writes into and she looks up now and again and continues to write. She looks brilliantly bizarre in a fur jacket, and bright badges of many colours. Is she being inspired or is she inspiring? I wonder if she's captured the speed of the bus as the houses become disfigured blurs. I wonder if she writes about me, she gave me the once over when I got on. I wonder what thoughts I can bring a person, what does my persona give away to strangers about me? She wears a shiny bag, I can't say it's blue nor green but that tell tale turquoise. I'm intrugued by her, like every other writer I've met I want to know more. I want to know if she thinks like I do, or if she plans her work or jumps straight in. What kind of characters does she create? What sort of things does she make them feel? I'm eager to look, glance at her wisdom on a page. What style does she write, past or present? Or present progressive. She thinks with her pen in her mouth, pressing fingers to her light up screen. Is she researching? Looking to cover a plot whole or eager to learn more and be inspired? I shouldn't people watch, or make eye contact with the writer and smile, but I did.

On the bus with a writer

Thursday, 2 February 2017


She is stuck in the reflection of self-worth, she refuses to meet the eyes of the stranger in the glass before her. A mere stranger at her glance, she knows not of who she sees before her. Not one of them hold a single thing in common. The girl cannot walk away from the mirror,  she is trapped in its shimmery lure, yet she just cannot forage for the courage to look at her; look at herself. A creature of self-worth, a creature who allowed the world to tame her with her words, tame her wildness and importantly tame her freedom. She is her enemy and the mirror is her war.

Self-Worth

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

It was cold and eerie, like you would expect an empty metro station to be. The bright orange M's are unnerving. Machinery swiping in your right ear because you have your earphones turned down in case there's a cancellation announcement. You think you can hear the metro coming along the tracks, you jump at the cough of a new stranger, but you're settled by the voice of a little human that they're with. They stop you to ask about which side they should be on, and you can't answer because you're not even sure what side you're supposed to be on.
You panic because it turns out there is a metro coming and you decide to switch platform and ask another stranger. You're thankful when you realise you are now on the right metro, happy to be out of the dreary station but wary of the strangers.

Metro

Tuesday, 27 December 2016

My heart was racing, I could still hear the near miss train chugging along the track, I almost died.  The world was quiet but only in my ears. It was the cold strangers' hands on my shoulder that yanked me back into reality.
His lips moved full trying to communicate with me, I didn't understand I just heard a husk panic. He pulled me to the side into a minuscule cafe, as everything sank in and I noted my failed death, he wrapped my hands around a solid white mug of what tasted sweet on my tongue.
"T-thank Y-you," I managed to force the words out, I hadn't meant them.
"You're lucky I caught you like I did!" He smiled, yes lucky me I thought. 
For the first time I looked up at him properly, his eyes were brown, I have brown eyes yet his were different. They seemed darker, colder and way more passionate than mine. They complemented him, whilst mine made me dull. His smile seemed genuine, it touched his full cheeks and reached his brown souls. I felt lost for words, was it destiny that my almost death would allow me to meet this stranger? The stranger that showed more compassion and care towards me than any person I have ever known or confined in. He saved my life, and I will forever be in his debt.

The Stranger

Monday, 19 December 2016

I did not ever think I'd be the person; to feel so hard and fall so slow. I never imagined a person being able to bring such pure happiness into my life, but most of all I never imagined that a single thought of losing that person would ache and steal my breath. I've allowed my happiness to rest in his palms, and I couldn't care because he's in my world. I'm learning new things and feeling new ways, it's an adventure that I'm adoring, an adventure that will shut me down when it comes to an end. Let's not think of the inevitable ending for I am in love and I do not want to let go.

Rest in his palms

Sunday, 18 December 2016

Do you and your partner tell each other yous love each other right? And do you mean it every since time? Do you feel love every time you say the words or type them? Surely they become meaningless? Like they're just words. Do you not just find yourself saying them for the sake of it? Because maybe you have to? I figured surely if those three words are used to commonly, surely they eventually ware off and don't have the same sentiments as they did the first time you spoke them. Actions speak louder than words, I've  always thought the small things matter. Is love different for everyone? Like do we experience it differently, do we sometimes have it and not know? When did you know you were properly in love? There's something melancholic about love, you either feel or you don't, or you pretend you do and try and mask what really isn't there.

Do you mean it?

Saturday, 17 December 2016

Life is weird, things happen every day and we take it in our stride. New things are happening all around us, problems are being solved and created, lives are being lived and taken away, and yet the world keeps spinning. We meet new people and we make me new friends, we also lose old friends. Yet, we move on. In certain moments we think situations aren't going to end but eventually they are forgotten about, solved and you've moved on. We struggle, we cry and we laugh and feel pure happiness. Whatever we do, whatever we feel, the world keeps spinning.

keep spinning

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

The opposite to death is desire. It's the one thing we live for, as I quote Tennesse Williams' Streetcar Named Desire, it provokes several thoughts. What drives us forward, what makes us continue our day is Desire, if not then where are we lead to? Death.  We all have desires, and not just of the sexual kind, we want something from life, we want to achieve thing, we desire things that we do not currently have in our lives. It's a wonderful prospect. Desire is beautiful, could you say perhaps dangerous too? How far are we willing to go to reach our desired destination?

Desire

Saturday, 10 December 2016

I can hear it coming, feel its howl breathing on my neck. Everyone who sits amongst these seats are blissfully unaware. Whilst I fear and fret with the ball in my stomach. Red flash, fifteen seconds pass. Blue flash, thirty seconds pass. Green flash. it's all over.

red flash

Friday, 9 December 2016