I try too sleep but these knots of my uncertain future keeps me awake. Stail failure corrupts my mind. A dislodged heart pushing it's away up my throat. I feel inhumane tonight- like I'm air ready to evaporated under heated mess. I'm not a lion of braveness, instead a mouse of self doubt. Trying to escape the hours I've been staring at for days, my hope ticking along with it. In a few hours my fate will be made: and I fear the worst.
Showing posts with label pros. Show all posts
She lived in a world of her own, the real world was too cruel to her. Naturally, she found safety in her own make belief. When life gives you lemons? She bites into them telling you that they are sweet. Her youth faded with the gunshot of her young husband, and she had to survive as her home crumbled with the dust of dead relatives. She is stuck in an endless cycle, with a thirst to be loved and lusted. Trouble, she meets often, it like this a second nature to her delicate soul. Despite her educated mind she is still as fragile as the lantern she shades herself with. She is the kind of woman who you would believe in a second, but you should not. She can fool men and run up a storm in her walk. She flees when the trouble overpowers her, making the next city her victim.
- This piece is inspired by the character Blanche Dubois from the screenplay A Streetcar Named Desire, written by Tennessee Williams
- This piece is inspired by the character Blanche Dubois from the screenplay A Streetcar Named Desire, written by Tennessee Williams
Blanche
Monday, 31 July 2017
The first person I kissed was a girl, I was at a sleepover with my two of my best friends. I'd drank at least half a can of Fosters and in year 8 - that was a pretty big deal to me. I don't have a problem with kissing girls - I have dated girls since. The problem was kissing a friend, I was peer pressured into it. I'm not annoyed at the fact our lips touched several times that night, I'm annoyed because of the planted feelings that reoccur in my chest, even years after. We are still friends this girl and I. She doesn't know that I think about that night more than I probably should. When things don't work out with other girls I want to run right back to her even though I was never hers and nor was she mine. I get mad at her when she talks about boys and when she enters cycles of toxic relationships which all end in her sad and sinking back into her depression, I tell her I'm mad because she is my friend and I care for her. I tell her she deserves better than some fuck boy, but I don't tell her that I want to hold her and kiss her until she realises how beautiful kind she is.
I remember her previous boyfriends and how when those relationships ended she swore she was lonely, and that she does not deserve to be loved. And each time I wanted to scream at her, tell her that I love her, and that I will never let her be alone. But I stayed silent, because my words mean nothing to her. Just sounds that plead to her. I keep myself at a distance now, my heart simply cannot take the throbs her smile dishes out. I am still there for her, with kind words and reassurance but that is all.
The girl I shared my first kiss with, she unknowingly taught me a valuable life lesson. The real sadness to life is when you realize that even though you can love a person with all of your being they don't always reciprocate those exact feelings and nor do they have to - you can give them so much but you can't force a person to love you back, no matter how hard you try.
A Girl
Thursday, 20 July 2017
Life is too short to stay sour, sure bad things happen and friendships end. Memories fade and things get forgotten, but what about the things you do remember? The good times you had, the stupid moments no one else will understand just you and that one friend. The way I see it, you can try and forget all the years between you two or you can drop a message and try to rekindle. Life is too short to try and burn bridges, be thankful they happened and then together reminsce. Even if you both are busy, what harm can a few texts do? If there is someone who came to mind whilst you read this, please give them a message. Not for me, but for you. Don't let a good thing go to waste, plus no one knows you like a best friend does.
rekindle
Monday, 28 November 2016
I didn't know it would feel this way, I somehow never imagined that this would feel so good. For the first time in my life I have this feeling, a feeling that is so pure and almost magical. No fairytale or young adult fiction book could ever prepare me for this. If someone told me that this would feel just like this, I would have rolled my eyes and told them no not me, never me. I don't even know if it feels the same for anyone else, but for me it feels so good. This feeling chases away loneliness and invites in excitement.
feels so good
Saturday, 26 November 2016
I hope, I hope you don't mind. Don't mind me pouring my words out to you. I hope you don't mind, don't mind that sometimes I lie. Not all things are as wonderful, but one can dream. I hope you don't mind, I'm not perfect nor are my words.
I hope you don't mind
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
Sometimes when things get tough, and bottling in your every emotion just isn't enough, when your feelings and fears are pouring out of the seams. Those are the times you need someone you love, someone who is dear to you, someone you can sob on their shoulder and they'll understand perfectly. Life throws challenges at you, one after another and it's okay to admit you're hurting, it's okay to admit you're struggling. Most important it's okay to not do it alone. You are loved, and you are not alone. Ignore every doubt you have, you're not being stupid, you're not crazy. Talk it out, hug it out, cry it out if you need it. It is our loved ones who make us stronger, it is our loved ones who make things feel alright.
It's okay
Wednesday, 31 August 2016
Previous parts (in order)
Hunter of Hope
Wild One
Wave Of Lavender
Lupus
The first time I'd ever saw a pack it belonged to my older brother; Lupus. I would have been just a pup I didn't know any better. I idolised them, they were everything a pack should be. Fifteen individual strong souls, they were never without one another. They had an unbreakable bond, my brother was their leader. I was always so proud of him, but I was young and naive. I didn't know any better.
We used to be close me and him, he taught me everything I know. From hunting to self-defense, those were the good days. Where we would run through fields together, he'd test my speed daily. I wouldn't be who I am today without my brother, but that doesn't make him any less of a dangerous asshole. I miss him sometimes; when I am wandering across the floor boards of my log house, boredom does that. It makes you forget the bad for a moment, it makes you miss people.
These walls are killing my brain, taunting me with memories. Thinking of Lupus and his pack always makes me feel lonely, I wasn't good enough to join them, I knew that from the start. He threw me out, to find my own. Yet I've done nothing but wander in a log house, there is enough room here for a pack, a small one at first, but finding one, better yet creating one isn't easy. That's the long-term goal, screw my brother and his pack, I won't be seeing them again anytime soon.
Hunter of Hope
Wild One
Wave Of Lavender
Lupus
The first time I'd ever saw a pack it belonged to my older brother; Lupus. I would have been just a pup I didn't know any better. I idolised them, they were everything a pack should be. Fifteen individual strong souls, they were never without one another. They had an unbreakable bond, my brother was their leader. I was always so proud of him, but I was young and naive. I didn't know any better.
We used to be close me and him, he taught me everything I know. From hunting to self-defense, those were the good days. Where we would run through fields together, he'd test my speed daily. I wouldn't be who I am today without my brother, but that doesn't make him any less of a dangerous asshole. I miss him sometimes; when I am wandering across the floor boards of my log house, boredom does that. It makes you forget the bad for a moment, it makes you miss people.
These walls are killing my brain, taunting me with memories. Thinking of Lupus and his pack always makes me feel lonely, I wasn't good enough to join them, I knew that from the start. He threw me out, to find my own. Yet I've done nothing but wander in a log house, there is enough room here for a pack, a small one at first, but finding one, better yet creating one isn't easy. That's the long-term goal, screw my brother and his pack, I won't be seeing them again anytime soon.
Hunter of Hope - Lupus
Monday, 29 August 2016
It was abrupt. The frightened voice of a little boy woke me up. Tall he may be but his mind is still young. The yelling, my heart fell. The banging began, they were coming to get him. I screamed. Everything got heavy, the house woke up. Intruder, intruder. It was a frenzy of fright. My parents woke up, each of us struck with terror. Smash goes the security, yelling with glass. It all happened so fast yet it seemed neverending. The police were on their way, another window was out. The little boy upstairs fearing for his life, I tried to keep him safe help him to hide. When you think you're tough it disappears when you're made vulnerable and challenged in your own home. Everything you know running with the culprits, they didn't physically hurt us but emotionally I cannot say the same. Left at the scene of the crime, a broken into home. A place I once felt safe I don't think I can return. Boarded up house, statements taken things won't be the same for a while. The fear of their return will still remain, even in another house my nerves are shattered, every bump and noise tearing me up. Safe, what is safe?
little boy
Sunday, 28 August 2016
A train, glowing along it's tracks. Passing views only nature could create such beauty. Blue skies and a bright tunnel ahead. Only the tunnel closes and the tracks change, smash crash done.
a train
Saturday, 27 August 2016
Dear Fuck Boy,
What on earth do you think you're doing? Messing with a girls head, alluring her into a false security and then getting what you want and just vanish like nothing happened. First, you find a girl, and you tell her your intention, not your true intentions of course, and you get her to like you, you go on several dates and you get to first base, even second and then when third comes into the game? You hit it and then leave. This is not okay. You can't just tell a girl you want to be with her, that you like her and then only use her for sex and end the game. It's cruel, but you know what you're doing and you don't care, that's the worst part. You do this to one girl, and then another and then not long you've got a line of girls behind you who feel used and are hurt, but why would you care? You have yet another notch on your bedpost. Well not this time, she caught you out. She didn't believe a word you said, allowed you to barely hit second base before she caught your ass out. How stupid do you feel now? She escaped before you could even hit the ball. Fuck boy, you didn't get to fuck this one, I just hope no other girls get stuck in your game.
What on earth do you think you're doing? Messing with a girls head, alluring her into a false security and then getting what you want and just vanish like nothing happened. First, you find a girl, and you tell her your intention, not your true intentions of course, and you get her to like you, you go on several dates and you get to first base, even second and then when third comes into the game? You hit it and then leave. This is not okay. You can't just tell a girl you want to be with her, that you like her and then only use her for sex and end the game. It's cruel, but you know what you're doing and you don't care, that's the worst part. You do this to one girl, and then another and then not long you've got a line of girls behind you who feel used and are hurt, but why would you care? You have yet another notch on your bedpost. Well not this time, she caught you out. She didn't believe a word you said, allowed you to barely hit second base before she caught your ass out. How stupid do you feel now? She escaped before you could even hit the ball. Fuck boy, you didn't get to fuck this one, I just hope no other girls get stuck in your game.
Dear Fuck Boy,
Tuesday, 23 August 2016
The heart wants what the heart wants... and hers wanted the waves. The waves that drift her to adventures, and wash up her dreams amongst foreign shores. Her heart yearned for the blue wonders that the ocean offered her, her thoughts belonged to the salty waters. Her life on land was like a cage, only amongst the waves she would ever be truly free. Her feet may be on land but her heart was at sea.
Waves
Tuesday, 16 August 2016
I don't need somebody, I don't want somebody. What good can a somebody do to me? To spend hours in and out talking, learning new things about each other by the second, for only to remember the little details and for their words to keep you awake at night when it is all over. Having a somebody to feel their lips against yours, their hands over your tummy feeling every inch of skin they possibly can, pulling you close to feel them, their touch you will crave much longer and much more intense when they don't want you anymore. Their whispers of lust, so electric in the moment, but long after you will be reeling with the shock. Staying up late to talk to that somebody, eager to give up sleep just to spend more time with them, when that somebody isn't there anymore you're still losing sleep, only you're eager to give up your every memory of that somebody desperate to finally fall asleep, because it doesn't hurt when you're sleeping. When things are going well you want to tell anyone who will listen, pour your heart out about the somebody, but then what when they leave? You're left with questions, and the disappointment of telling people it didn't work out; when really you were tossed aside, unwanted and the somebody just wasn't as into it as you were. I don't want another somebody, I am fine with my own body.
Somebody
Friday, 12 August 2016
At the window, I sit, allowing the sun to cast its shadows across my face. My music dances to my ears as the light awakens my room. Above the screen and out of the window I see house tops and blue clouded skies. Laying on my stomach amongst my bed I feel the calmness of the swaying trees on the other side of the street. My feet move into the rhythm of nature's symphony. Time feels like nothing, it ceases to have a meaning it's just there moving. Whilst here I am feeling blissfully stuck in this moment, in the now.
in the now
Monday, 8 August 2016
One moment, one feeling, one person... can change your whole life. An experience or influential words or even a simple change of perspective can alter everything you've ever known. Do you ever wonder what would happen if things turned out differently? You turned back time and altered a decision, you wish for something better to have happened. but would you give up every little thing that has happened since? Sure there has been tough times, but would you give up the small things you've witnessed just to go back and change one thing that could change everything?
Change everything
Tuesday, 2 August 2016
It's like winged creatures in a silver cage. All together they soar and dive. Madness as the metal is ready to give in. Hungry for freedom they've hoped for their whole lives. Any second now they will feel the gush of greatness. Precious moments close to their touch. Pulsating energy, eager to be engulfed with self-power. You're free, spread your wings you are trapped no more.
I'm happy
Friday, 29 July 2016
Let's dance, you and I. The stars can be our audience and the sky our routine. Bless the air with our moves, and dance until we can no more. Courtesy to the trees and Waltz to the waves, as we dance we become free. Our spirits entwine and our souls meet, for a ballet twirl is to complete. Take your hat off and toss it to the winds, for with it we shall twirl, whirl and spin. Together we glide on clouds and lift ourselves through our dreams. For you and I, let us dance.
Let us dance
Friday, 22 July 2016
Do not read this. Evitably you are wasting your time. Please stop reading. Pointless this post is. Really you should stop now. Even I've stopped caring and reading back. So, you're still here, great. Sucker for ignoring what you're told, me too. Entangled in the feeling of doing something you are not supposed to. Do you feel anything after I just wasted your time?
Do not read this
Friday, 15 July 2016
So you want to know a little more about me? Uninteresting I guess to normal people. I like books, no I love books. Can you imagine a room filled with books from top to bottom, corner to corner that would be my life. I love writing, it's my one thing in life I feel like I'm genuinely good at. Do you ever feel so passionate about something it's almost engraved in your bones? A thing so precious to you, that's what writing and books are to me. Love, I believe in love, love for family, friends and things and just life, loving life is precious.
More About Me
Tuesday, 12 July 2016
I feel like it has taken me a while to get here. Admitting to myself I finally need to move forward, and let go of the stupid things that have happened. My biggest realization is that I am not completely sane, and I needed to take a step back. So, what I am really saying is that I will no longer dwell on our conversations. Or how messed up things became, but admittedly I am not the only person to blame here. Reminders of what has happened are pretty constant, and really it isn't that big of a deal anyways. Reality is that I am done, I'm ready to forgive and move forward. Years to come I'll laugh at how stupid we've been. Can we move forward, learn from this and just regain some form of normality?
Move Forward
Tuesday, 5 July 2016
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