The first person I kissed was a girl, I was at a sleepover with my two of my best friends. I'd drank at least half a can of Fosters and in year 8 - that was a pretty big deal to me. I don't have a problem with kissing girls - I have dated girls since. The problem was kissing a friend, I was peer pressured into it. I'm not annoyed at the fact our lips touched several times that night, I'm annoyed because of the planted feelings that reoccur in my chest, even years after. We are still friends this girl and I. She doesn't know that I think about that night more than I probably should. When things don't work out with other girls I want to run right back to her even though I was never hers and nor was she mine. I get mad at her when she talks about boys and when she enters cycles of toxic relationships which all end in her sad and sinking back into her depression, I tell her I'm mad because she is my friend and I care for her. I tell her she deserves better than some fuck boy, but I don't tell her that I want to hold her and kiss her until she realises how beautiful kind she is.
I remember her previous boyfriends and how when those relationships ended she swore she was lonely, and that she does not deserve to be loved. And each time I wanted to scream at her, tell her that I love her, and that I will never let her be alone. But I stayed silent, because my words mean nothing to her. Just sounds that plead to her. I keep myself at a distance now, my heart simply cannot take the throbs her smile dishes out. I am still there for her, with kind words and reassurance but that is all.
The girl I shared my first kiss with, she unknowingly taught me a valuable life lesson. The real sadness to life is when you realize that even though you can love a person with all of your being they don't always reciprocate those exact feelings and nor do they have to - you can give them so much but you can't force a person to love you back, no matter how hard you try.
