Letting Go

In a lifetime we witness, suppress and express so many emotions, places and happenings. We are constantly thinking, feeling and living. Each day we learn and grow as human beings, we develop as individuals. We face some tough times in our journey, we look danger in the eye, and we walk on the line of risk. On our journey we meet so many people along the way, and some of them you become attached to. They become prominent, sometimes though they are suddenly unavailable, they've either been taken from us or we are no longer a part of their journey. Where does that leave us? Stuck. Feeling all types of ways, thinking all types of things. On my journey so far I have discovered maybe of the hardest things to do; letting go. It is difficult, draining and time consuming. It isn't simple, you can just flick a switch and decide to move on, damn I wish it were that simple. You have formed an attachment with someone or something, you've become fond with the feeling of their presence. You get so comfortable with them, then all of a sudden you are uncomfortable, lonely and constantly trying to find a distraction. I haven't moved on, after so long how simply can I?

Letting Go

Sunday 20 September 2015

Roads

Roads. They seem never ending, they just go on and on. How long would it take me to get to the end, and where would it take me; the edge of the earth perhaps? Maybe there is no end, it could just go on and on.

You can carry on straight ahead, go where the concrete lines want to take you, or you can stray from the main route; take the next left and maybe a right then straight on.

Signs pass in a bur, maybe sometimes we know which direction to move to, or perhaps the roads are just too stubborn to even consider directions.

Roads are like that sometimes. You're alone, maybe by choice or you've been desserted. The roads are lonely, miles into the unknown. You're either taken to somewhere new or you just carry on going; on and on.

Maybe life is like a road, sometimes you know where you're going, but a lot of the time you have no idea!

Roads

Saturday 29 August 2015

The Wave

And that was the end of all hope.

You wonder what was the end? What was the hope. I will tell you, I will tell you about the day that ruined my life, the day that fractured my heart and made me numb forever. The day that lead to today.  Right now here I am, staring at the woman I once called my mother. She's no mother of mine, what woman could do such treacherous things? She's lying in the bed, tubes hanging from her, as she is slowly dying. I have no pity for her, what goes around comes back around. Karma is my grief.

It was a month ago. I will tell you how the day went, I will live in that memory just to show you how I lost all hope...

A month ago today, finally we were seeing her. After a long time, she'd pulled herself together. The first day in years we would all be together. I couldn't help but wonder if she kept her word. Did she give it all up for us? I hoped so

A nagging feeling eat away at my stomach, something about that day. I wanted that day to go great, I wanted us to be a happy family again. I woke up early, I had to get ready, I wanted everything to go perfectly.

I showered, got dressed and done my hair, like any other day, but it wasn't any ordinary day. This one morning, crying abrupted the house, that's the first move of the day that triggered nerves of what would happen,

I rushed to her bedroom. Crying her lungs out there was Christy. I went to her side, wrapping my arms around my life. She cried into my shoulder, I rocked her back and forth.

"Hey Christy, it's okay, everything is gonna be alright," I whispered to her, little did I know this was an untrue statement.

"I had a bad dream, a monster, it got me," She sobbed, a monster now I look back, that monster, it got me too.

"Honey, it was only just a dream, it's okay it was't real, I promise you everything will be alright, you got me," I hugged her tightly.

She pulled back, her big blue eyes staring right back at me, blue eyes filled with hope and joy. I remember thinking, god I don't know what I'd do without her.

She wouldn't settle back to sleep, we were leaving in an hour, it meant that she would probably be tired half way through the day, but that wouldn't matter. The only thing that would settle her would be to play dress up. Get her ready for the day. 

I plaited her hair, her long beautiful blonde hair, she takes after our parents, they all have blonde hair, except me. I brushed the loose strands from her eyes, the same eyes all four of us shared.

Once she was done, we stood in the mirror side by side. I could see myself in her, she was the lucky one. We were different but so alike, the only time I was thankful for my ruined childhood, I learnt the hard way, the only good outcome was I could prevent her from feeling the pain that I had once been burdened with.

She looked up at me with admiration. She turned to me and hugged me, hugging Christy was like hugging joy. 

"Taylor bring Christy down, you two need breakfast before we leave!" Charlie, my farther hollered from downstairs.

I her picked up, tickling her sides, her laughter was warming, her laughter was my favourite song on repeat. I took her downstairs, our farther grabbed her. He too tickled her, his face was becoming happier the more she laughed. His blue eyes were filled with life, her life. When he was messing around with her, every time I see him at his happiest. She is his everything, I couldn't help but feel saddened, I didn't get that. I never had the chance. But she, Christy, had the whole world at her feet. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I sat down at the ready made breakfast, she and he did too. We eat together, happily with joy between us, that was the last time. From there everything seemed to move in hyper speed. I didn't value what I had, but I wish I had.

Next came the car journey. I sat in the back with Christy, she bopped her head to the radio, our dad sang along with the window down, he was happy, they were content. And me? I was staring out the window, my nerves were boiling within me.

I wondered how she was doing? Was she going to be the ruined broken woman from my childhood, or for once in my life was she going to be my mother? After everything she put me through, after giving me nothing, I hadn't seen her in 9 months, yet there I was in a car travelling to meet her. I couldn't help feeling anxious, I didn't know why but I was hopeful. Hopeful she finally got better, and would become the mother she had never been. I wish I knew then what I know now, I was such an idiot!

I remember the vain chills down my spine as I we got out of the car, it was breezy. Christy automatically skipped to my side grabbing my hand. My dad stood on the other side of her. The seagulls above gasped as people with food walked the streets.

"Look Tay, look, the big ocean!" Christy squealed with excitement, she pointed to the blue blanket in the distance. I watched her smile and stare at the sight.

I squeezed her hand as I bet down to talk to her "It's beautiful, just wait till we get up close, you will feel the gold on your feet!"

"The gold?!" Her voice filled with admiration and excitement. Her young mind,so open to the world. Only if I knew that it would change forever.

"Where is your mother?" My dad stood checking his watch, tapping his foot. I bet he was just as nervous as I was. Now I think about it, they were teen lovers, she was his everything and she broke it all.

We waited, and waited. Christy was getting bored, the day that was supposed to the best was slowing turning into the worst. Only if I knew that if our mother hadn't of turned up, things would have been different, things would still be the same today.

But no the voice spoke "Hey, sorry I'm late the train broke down!"

My dad smiled at her, Christy cowered and hit behind my leg and as for me; I stood and stared. There she was nine months later. Her skin shone, her beautiful blonde hair tied back with a few loose strands here and there. Her blue eyes big and glowing, she wore vest with a cardigan and shorts. She looked young, much younger than her age.

Our eyes met, I didn't know what to say. Was I to tell her that I'm proud she's clean or that I was happy to see her? I was stuck for words, I was just shocked, surpised and scared. I could see her but it didn't feel real, she didn't seem real. Only if I knew in that, that one second I could have sent her packing. only if I knew it was too good to be true.

"Hey Taylor, it's good to see you again, you look so well," Her words, even now thinking back to it they were hard to take in.

I felt obliged to push my body forward and hug her, she wrapped her thin arms around me. Her hair smelt of strawberries, her perfume was strong and fruit scented.

"You too mum," I managed to whisper back.

 We both turned to Christy, she was standing holding, no gripping our dads hand as hard as she could. Then I knew she was scared, she had every right to be.

Our mother, moves towards Christy, she cowered at first She knelt reaching in her bag.

"Hello darling, I got something for you," she picked out a small box and put it into Christy's hand.

My little sister looked up at me, she gestured for me to return to her side, I did. I bent down, now I think of it what was I thinking? Allowing our mother, the poison, into her world.

"WOW, look at the pretty box, let's open it Christy," My words filled her up with excitement, she carefully open the ribbon, the box lid came off and her eyes glistened nearly a much as the silver necklace in the box.

"It's Bootiful!" Her voice chirped, my mother's face glowed, my dad watched carefully, he was as unsure as I was.

"Say thank you Christy," I reminded my little angel sister.

"Thank you mommy, daddy put it on me!" Her words were new, it hurt my heart a little, The first time she had ever called our mother mommy, only then if I knew it wasn't just her first but her last. That day caused me a whole lot of regrets, and I'm left with is wishing, wishing for things that will never be able to happen.

My father went to his knees, fastening the necklace around her neck. He didn't know that it wouldn't be the last time he was at his knees for his youngest daughter that day.

We walked together, as a family almost, down to the beach. I watched as Christy stood inbetween both of our parents holding their hands, I remember feeling at ease. Slightly relaxed, I hoped that I could get used to us being like that, a family. Oh how wrong were my hopes.

Mother and Father both chatted amongst towels, whilst Christy and I played in the sand. We created kingdoms of gold, the blue in her eyes shone, her smile could have light up the whole world. That was the happiest she'd ever been, it was happiest any of us had ever been.

It didn't last long, it never does....

It got t that time of the day where the heat was unbearable, the sun shone and stomachs became hungry.

"I will head to the chippy, girls behave for your mother,"Dad announced standing up, shaking the small grains of sand off his legs./

"Why don't you take Taylor, and you's can grab coffees from the cafe on your way back? I'm dying for a cuppa," she spoke, even then I felt like I couldn't trust her. I wasn't sure,  I didn't want to leave her and Christy alone, for the firs time.

My dad had to practically pull me away, before I left to get food with my dad. I saw her, playing in a small puddle of sandy water, my mother was watching her carefully, I still wasn't convinced but I pulled myself round to follow my dad.

Time seemed to drag as we waited for food, I look back. I had every right to feel scared, and wanted to return to them as soon possible.

"She will be okay, your mother is better and from what I've seen she loves Christy and won't let anyone hurt her, you need to have some faith," He tried to reassure me, how wrong he was. I couldn't help but feel relieved when we were finaly handed our food.

We stopped at the care, which was as quick service. The closer we returned to the beach, the more weight lifted from my shoulders. We got onto the beach, I gripped the drinks. It was silent, not anyone in sight, it hit me. Where was Christy? Where was my mother?

Panic hit me, I turned there was my mother, she seemed to be doing something, it was a relief until I saw what she was doing, her head in her lap. Snorting. All I heard was my dad beginning to yell at her.

Where was Christy? It was all I could ask myself. I dropped my drinks, they crash the floor as see her. A wave ten times the size crashes into her, my legs fell weak as I dives towards her. She was too far away, she was in the sea too deap. It crashed against her, enveloped her. She was no where to be seen.

The wave stole her, my mother took my little sisters life, she chose drugs over an angel. The wave swept her, her body to never be found again.

And that was the end of all hope.

The Wave

Tuesday 11 August 2015