Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
It's been a hot minute since my last post, I haven't been writing as much as I'd like to. I am aiming for weekly posts again!

Artificial

Wednesday 25 September 2019

I was going to a story time of what happened Tuesday but here's a quick summary before I go into a deeper issue.

I wore the dungaree outfit which is plastered all over my instagram. I was incredibly self-conscious. Went over the best friends where she did my make up and I did my hair and we took a lot of pictures (my discovery was made in her bedroom but will go further into that soon) we chilled and then went out.  Bought tickets to Eddie the Eagle grabbed Bubble Cha and what not and then we waited for the bus. Only it wasn't a pleasant wait, an older guy drunk decided he wanted to check me out well it was obvious he almost stopped walking staring at my legs and looking me up and down, me and my best friend blatantly saw and watched him and he couldn't have cared less and decided to coo and crap and I was creeped out, the thought creeps me out still. I get I had my legs on show but it wasn't for attention, it was to rock a cute outfit and make myself feel better about myself. But anyways it was  a good day. - summary over.

So I was in my best friend's bedroom, she had left to go to toilet so I was on my own. Since she is an art student she naturally has scissors in her room, and other sharp stuff. She keeps a razor there to do her eye brows which she did mine too which are just fabulous, eye brow game was strong. It was triggering. Seeing these harmfull object my thoughts were all these objects she could easily self harm, no one would ever know. How is it not tempting? I'm getting itches just being here alone. It then made me realise that some people are just a lot stronger than myself emotionally, and that not everyone has turned to these things when they're feeling low. And it made me realize that I too am strong, it has been over two years since I last self harmed and the fact I am aware of things and possibilities, but I know which of my thoughts are wrong. It's weird actually putting this on my blog, it is a personal thing and it's difficult but it shows I'm strong enough now to not push my past problems to the back of my mind, I am aware of them and well this here is the only place I've voiced these recent thoughts. I can't exactly talk about this to people in person, and my blog is basically like my own diary. It's just odd that Tuesday the day I choose to be more confident and take the next step of self love that I'm taunted my own thoughts and reminder of self harming, maybe these thoughts were a reminder of how far I've emotionally come and that I deal with things much differently now and I'm not the person I was all those years ago. I am moving forward and I will eventually be where I am meant to be. I am proud of my self, instead of my making my blood pour I pour my emotions into my writing. Maybe I will talk more about these kind of things at a later date, I don't know. I'm just taking small stepping stones into letting my feelings and past experiences onto here. It's risky but it's something I need to do for myself. And if you're someone I know reading this, don't be worried I am fine and I will continue to be fine. Trust me!

Memory Pain

Friday 8 April 2016

I saw this image floating about the internet and it got me thinking.
Growing up I have always been a bigger girl, I was never the really thin girl. I've always had cellulite and curves for as long as I can remember. I have never looked like 'other' girls, all my friends have always been much thinner than I am. I feel from a young age I (like many others) have been conditioned to not love myself unless I was skinny or looked like everyone else. In the heat of the moment, or even out of sheer meanness people always kind of took the low blow and mention my weight (this won't be about bullying but I'll cover that in a future blog post) and so it has always been an insecurity of mine. My weight has always been a concern of mine, and I remember being maybe 10  years old and coming home crying about my weight, people making fun and just commenting. On top of this I was seeing gorgeous thin women in the media everywhere (and it is the same still) and for years my weight has been my biggest insecurity, it is to this day but I'm on a journey of self-love. I remember hanging out with my friends in year six and we were going over to one of the girls' house and they were playing on the scales, which naturally I wasn't keen on doing but with persuasion I did. They laughed, of course I was much bigger than they were, and it hurt of course it had.  Since then I've had adults mention my weight, guys, girls, people who I thought were my friends and even complete strangers (I'll mention the full story in a future post) so my confidence has never been the strongest. I used to think I was fat, but I look back at myself in pictures and it makes me cry. I wasn't fat, I looked healthy and even adorable. Pictures from five years ago, I was self-conscious and I hated how I looked. God, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that she is fine, and she should just concentrate on being happy because that is all that matters. But no now I see from there I self-destructed, food has always been the answer to most things for me. I got bigger and torn myself apart. I got unhappier with myself and my appearance, I even turned to dieting pills and they didn't have the best effect on me. Don't get me wrong I have tried dieting and going to gym regularly and it was good for me, but with exams and  life I just couldn't balance everything. I turn 18 in March and it has taken me years to realize this;  I've always thought of myself as fat and I'm not the only one. It's sick how the media have conditioned young people to not love themselves and to  aspire to be thinner and prettier. When really we should love ourselves and as long as you're healthy that's all that should matter! Being skinny doesn't mean you're healthy. And for a guy having bulks of muscles doesn't make you a man. I've realized there is nothing wrong with being a big girl, why should I be thinner to please others? As long as I'm healthy and not putting myself in danger then I'm okay to be how I am. I know I am not completely self-loving, but it a journey I am taking and I believe I am capable of loving myself and being the happiest I can be.  Why should we have to be what the media tells and shows us? I believe as long as you're happy then that's all that matters. We can be who we want to be. Join me on the road of body positivity, next time you see your reflection give yourself a compliment, you are beautiful, we all are, male, female, big, small, tall, short, fat, thin - we are all beautiful!

Body Positivity

Sunday 31 January 2016