Thought of you

 I never thought I'd learn to love again,

the shattered pieces I look at in disbelief.

I don't feel that familiar cold dread in my chest,

no voices talking me out of this.

I found you,

I am relearning all that I know.

My heart beats faster than it ever did,

this love is different from before.

This love feels gentle,

no games: just our hearts,

I know this is only the start

but loving you isn't hard.

 You make me feel whole,

I know this may not be forever,

I have never felt like that before,

but I like us being together.

Thought of you

Wednesday, 5 May 2021

Literature Lovers 🖤

Hello, lovelies! 

It is that time of year again, Valentine's day has just passed. I don't usually post about it but I felt inspired to write a little valentines themed post.  I have been thinking about power couples, two people who are just right for each other. I couldn’t think of many LGBTQ+ couples sadly, so most couples mentioned are heterosexual. I am always looking for more LQBTQ+ books and representation, it’s quite sad that as a lesbian I don’t do enough reading around my community: if you have any suggestions on books I’d deeply appreciate it. 

Some of my favourite couples are so obvious if you know me in you will have seen a few of these coming. This post is incredibly smushy I am aware, bare with I will back to none love content next week! Let’s dive right in with my favourite couples that I think are canon, let’s begin in no particular order: 

Piper Chapman &  Alex Vause - this is partly from the Orange Is The New Black book but mainly Netflix series which the writer Piper Kerman had input on. Piper is a little annoying at times but this is a couple that just cannot stay away from each other. The book isn't very long but I like how the series adapted and delved further into their relationship as well as prison life. Time passes and they still find themselves in each other's arms. This was also the first lesbian couple I have ever read in a book as well as watched in a series. OITNB is the only reason I signed up for  Netflix in the first place. 

Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan - this couple is a little problematic. I cannot help but admire Gatsby’s love for Daisy.  Everything he ever does it own her heart, it’s tragically beautiful. Whenever I read the scenes when they’re together it just feels so right. What I like the most is that they started off as a fling really young and life  and war happended and years later they were back in each other’s arms. Fate is an incredible thing. When I say I like this couple, I really mean I like Gatsby and his forever holding onto hope. Daisy is  beautiful but incredibly iffy and selfish, Gatsby deserved better. A tragic ending but I admire Gatsby and his sheer hope for love.

Allie Hamilton and Noah Calhoun - From The Notebook. A tear jerker if there ever was one. This love story is absolutely beautiful. Noah goes out of his way to build Allie her dream house, absolutely beautiful. Their love story from young to elderly is gorgeous. When they're a part Noah writes letters 365 Days, this is super romantic and hits me in the feels. When the pair grow older Allie develops Alzheimer's and Noah goes out of his way to read her their story, I think that is so beautiful. At times she doesn't remember him and for him to power through this to tell her their story is stunning, and I can't imagine how hard it is to see someone you love forget you. Their story is beautiful.

Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy - I cannot adore this couple any more than I do! These lovely lovers are from none other than the Bridget Jones' series written by Helen Fielding.  It was Mark Darcy's love for Bridget that taught me this life lesson: in the book (and film) he tells Bridget he loves her 'just as you are'. I  have these exact words tattooed on me. It is so important we love people for exactly who they are, we cannot change people but it will fit when you find the right person. This isn't the only reason I have the quote tattooed on me but it is a reminder to myself to love myself just as I am. Self-love is such an important thing to me, and it was this book that really showed me you should not change yourself for a person or the world. I love this couple for them but more for what they remind me of. 

Estella and Pip - I will always love this couple. Even if it doesn’t really happen properly until the end of Great Expectations. Pip fell in love with Estella at a young age, and even though Estella grew to be quite cold, due her upbringing from Havisham, it is sweet that in the end it was Pip she fell in love with, Afte time a part and a marriage, it is Pip her story ends with. I think there is something sweet about two people who are meant to be together. 

Thank you for reading this weeks blog post! I hope you enjoyed reading this just as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I hope you all had a lovely Valentines day, I sure did. See you guys next week.

Literature Lovers 🖤

Wednesday, 17 February 2021

The end of a Decade

Before we hit into the '20s (the decade I have been excited for) I want to reflect on the decade we are leaving behind. The most important decade of my life so much has happened I have gone from child all way through my teens and to adulthood. I have met so many amazing people in this decade, people I know who will be my life long best friends, new family members - two nieces and a nephew as well as two step-nephews and a step-niece. My best friend Kara was born in 2014 and we have been inseparable since. I can proudly say I have friends in each direction o

f the UK and even some abroad.

This decade has not been easy, I have faced grief like I have never felt before. I have loved and lost, but I am recovering. I started high school and finished high school. Did the sixth form thing, for three years instead of two. I flew the nest and moved from Newcastle to Brighton. I came out to my family and friends and learned that whatever or whoever you like does not define you. I learned to value home and family more, and I learned to stand on my own two feet.  I have shed many (and I mean many) tears but I have also laughed so much. Some of my best memories have been during this decade, I travelled to Holland, Spain and Egypt. I visited places not so far from home: Edinburgh, Brighton, London, Manchester, Devon and Cornwall. 

I have learned more about myself, I've watched myself change and become someone a younger me would look up to. I have found the love of writing during this decade, I created this blog. I made a Sims Gaming YouTube. I have found love in fictional worlds. I have learned that life is a journey and that sometimes it takes people a little longer to get where they are going. Life is not a race, it is about focusing on yourself and watching where you're going, and everyone else around you you should be supportive of their journey.

I would do my usual thing and make resolutions for the following year but this time I don't want to do that. I want to make promises to myself. Promises to love myself, in whatever stage my body is at. I promise to my kinder to myself. I promise to have more fun, more risks and things to look forward to. If this decade has taught me anything it is that my mental health is just as important as my physical health, I promise to take care of my thoughts and to know when enough is enough. This decade I have met my limits and that wasn't always fun. But this decade I promise to take care, even if it is in the smallest of things.

I hope you reading this, you have an amazing 2020. Party like Gatsby or chill alone in your own swamp like Shrek. Do what is good for you. Happy New Year. 

The end of a Decade

Tuesday, 31 December 2019

from me to you

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I won't drag on, I just want to wish you all well. Love, kindness and happiness- just a reminder to radiate these things. It's the little things that make Christmas special. Today for me it was watching my niece have fun and open her presents and playing for hours, that made me smile. My niece and I got given matching necklaces, they were silly and had little Me 2 U bears on with a jigsaw piece on each. Hers had best and mine friend, it was a small gift but means the absolute world to me. My family were beyond thoughtful with their gifts to me, some even made me cry. It isn't about gifts though, not really. This year I realized life is too short, and I have really learned to value family more than ever. Today was amazing because I got to see the majority of my family, and having all those familiar faces laughing in one room- a person could not wish for anything better. From me to you, Merry Christmas, happy holidays- stay safe and well!

from me to you

Monday, 25 December 2017

his birthday

A year ago today
I handed you your present with a kiss
I spoke those three words to you for the first time-
a year later I can longer see you

What was love that filled me a year ago today
is sorrow, grief and lonely replaced on your birthday.
Hearts of who knew you ache
I knew that then you  would hold a place in my heart
and today I am certain I will never be able to forget.

For my first love, was the best and worst love I-
I know I will ever know.
Meeting so pleasantly and you leaving so dangerously
and now here we both are.

I moved down the country and you moved under the earth
And I am sorry.

his birthday

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

A Girl

The first person I kissed was a girl, I was at a sleepover with my two of my best friends. I'd drank at least half a can of Fosters and in year 8 - that was a pretty big deal to me. I don't have a problem with kissing girls - I have dated girls since. The problem was kissing a friend, I was peer pressured into it. I'm not annoyed at the fact our lips touched several times that night, I'm annoyed because of the planted feelings that reoccur in my chest, even years after. We are still friends this girl and I. She doesn't know  that I think about that night more than I probably should. When things don't work out with other girls I want to run right back to her even though I was never hers and nor was she mine. I get mad at her when she talks about boys and when she enters cycles of toxic relationships which all end in her sad and sinking back into her depression, I tell her I'm mad because she is my friend and I care for her. I tell her she deserves better than some fuck boy, but I don't tell her that I want to hold her and kiss her until she realises how beautiful  kind she is.

I remember her previous boyfriends and how when those relationships ended she swore she was lonely, and that she does not deserve to be loved. And each time I wanted to scream at her,  tell her that I love her, and that I will never let her be alone. But I stayed silent, because my words mean nothing to her. Just sounds that plead to her.  I keep myself at a distance now, my heart simply cannot take the throbs her smile dishes out. I am still there for her, with kind words and reassurance but that is all.

The girl I shared my first kiss with, she unknowingly taught me a valuable life lesson. The real sadness to life is when you realize that even though you can love a person with all of your being they don't always reciprocate those exact feelings and nor do they have to - you can give them so much but you can't force a person to love you back, no matter how hard you try.

A Girl

Thursday, 20 July 2017

wherever I will go

I keep having this reoccurring dream...

it plays over and over in my head through the day

like a spinning record, the needle dragging itself along the lines

your heart close to mine 

and I wake up with butterflies in my face and fire in my stomach -

I do not know if it is love or just lust or love

but when I see your face the pandemonium inside swells

scaring me, making me frightened that my heart will burst -

like a pin prick stabbed into a child's balloon

I think about your smile and laughter

and how your eyes are an intensified beauty

and I think about my own boring brown windows

and just do not see how they could ever meet

I want to tell the world

just how much of a good person you are

but; like a harsh wind, I push my feelings into a cage of silence

closing the curtains on them to block out the outside world.

how could anyone simply understand?

I have this desire to pour my heart to you

but this ghost behind me taunts me you will only get hurt, again

like every other person I touch falls apart

taking pieces of me with them because... I am no longer whole

I want to ignore the clouds of dread that hang above me

but that ghost keeps yelling you will never love me

and as I feel this need to repel from the lost spirit

I am simply pulled back to it like a magnet

I am encouraged to speak my mind by my friends

and that should be enough, but that voice whispers you will never be enough

and I curl these feelings for you into a hot fiery ball

and I will take them with me wherever I will go...

wherever I will go

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

all she sees is you

She's dumbed herself down She's curved her once sharpened edges Your kiss is now her weakness. Once, no such weaknesses could be found Her personality was as firey as her inflamed hair And now it conforms like a soldier entering the war. The war we know as love Her green eyes were bright with knowledge And now they're dulled with common sense Oh how you've chained that once free soul Her bright colour now watered down Oh how her dance is now a stumbled march Her brain has been blurred and now all she sees is you.

all she sees is you

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Rehearsal

I've had this conversation in my head at least twenty times already, each time it doesn't get easier. It's panned out in my head as I tell you how I feel and you disagree and try to to talk me out of it, and each time me crying and hurting but trying to do what is best. I've imagined what I'd say and thought about how you'd respond. It's not easy, in my head it's just as messed up as it would be in person. How can you rehearse breaking someone's heart?

I've been skipping any song related to love, I escape the overloading thoughts of you with my early nights, only to the world they're early nights but to me it's tossing and turning of tears and cold heart ache.

Give me alcohol, give me paracetamol; take these thoughts away and cover these feelings. I don't want to deal with this right now, but if not now when? This pain injected into my  veins will only be ten times as bad in  six months.  We should depart now but what if you take my soul and happiness with you?

Rehearsal

Monday, 6 February 2017

Well done

Well done they tell me
you've lured one in
and ensnared his heart
you're no longer single and free

my relationship status
achieved more congratulations
than my success of my poetry
like finding love is the most important apparatus;
to heal my heart.

Screw that
sure I am in love
but I have been in love much longer
than when a man came into my life.
I found my true love much sooner
for writing my heart has been like an acrobat

Energetic with enthusiasms
words amongst thousands of pages
for years writing has been my lover
creating characters, making drama
lives created, places and people
for this love I know will last forever and ages.

Well done

Saturday, 21 January 2017

2016

It's the last minutes of 2016, before entering the new year I want to reflect on the positive things that have happened in my life over the last 365 days.

Sure we can focus on the negative things, but what's the point? It's the moments that we are our happiest that really means something.

I want make note of all the things I am grateful for in 2016, and all the things that made my year the best it could be.

 - New friends, I've made new friends, this year I found my friendship group. The girls who make me laugh and have shown me new ways and new places.
- Travelling, I've always loved the idea of travelling and this year I began pursuing that love. So far to  Leeds and Edinburgh, I look forward to the places I will travel in 2017.
- Love, I have found two kinds of love this year. This year has been a journey of self love, I've become more self aware and decided to take a more positive outlook on my self and I can now proudly say I 100% love myself for who I am, body, personality and all.
The second love I found within recent months, a love I haven't talked about on my blog but if you've seen my social media his name has cropped up a few places; Jonny. My boyfriend, who I met this year and I'm falling so deeply in love with. I'm grateful for him, when I was ready to call it a day and accept my single life he appeared and I'm so happy he did.
- Published, August I received a letter and a certificate for a poem I had wrote and in September it was published in an anthology with other writers in the North East. This was a huge amazing step for my writing career.
- University, I applied for University and got an offer back from my dream university; University of Brighton. I cried reading my offer and I cannot wait to work for it and go in 2017.
- I turned 18 this year, this meaning I'm an adult now and well mainly I can legally buy and drink alcohol. This has brought me many moments, some great and fabulous others hilarious and gross, I love all my little drunk 2016 moments.
- Family, this year I've become so close with my eldest sister. I'm so grateful for her, not only for being my best friend but for being there for me all the time. My niece, she has also made my 2016, the little bundle of joy who blesses my day most days. She's such a joy and I'm a very proud auntie. I have so much love for my family, all of who support me, especially my parents who always have my back and will go the end of the world to help me. Also it's been a good year for my parents, my mam and her charity have been doing amazing, and after a long time trying dad is back into work.
- My blog, and those who read my blog. I love having my blog, a place for my thoughts and writing, I'm blessed for little haven of mine.

Despite a lot going on in the world and all bad things that have been happening world wide it's still important to look at our own lives and realize all the good things that have happened to us individually. I do not regret a single thing from 2016, and I can only hope for a just as good 2017. Happy New Year, I wish you all the very best and prosperous 2017.

2016

Saturday, 31 December 2016

Goodbye December

I bid you farewell a day early, tomorrow I have a different kind of blog post planned, something I think is very importany, but you will have to wait till tomorrow to read it.

A festive month you have been, filled with fun, friends and family. Thank you Decemeber for being as wonderful as I hoped you would be. Granted you have thrown a few grey areas at me but nothing too damaging, and even those I am thankful for.

This month you have taught me forgiveness, and to let things go instead of allowing them to fill my thoughts, you've taught me to love, love whole heartedly and enjoy the little moments. I will never forget all you've given me this month. I feel confident about January, thank you for being good to me.

Goodbye December

Friday, 30 December 2016

Leeds 2.0

Last day, ready to be on the coach for a couple hours. I think a night was enough, any longer and it would have been too much. It was possibly the last trip we will have before we all separate for University. It was short and sweet and we will be in home for Christmas.

Leeds 2.0

Friday, 23 December 2016

Do you mean it?

Do you and your partner tell each other yous love each other right? And do you mean it every since time? Do you feel love every time you say the words or type them? Surely they become meaningless? Like they're just words. Do you not just find yourself saying them for the sake of it? Because maybe you have to? I figured surely if those three words are used to commonly, surely they eventually ware off and don't have the same sentiments as they did the first time you spoke them. Actions speak louder than words, I've  always thought the small things matter. Is love different for everyone? Like do we experience it differently, do we sometimes have it and not know? When did you know you were properly in love? There's something melancholic about love, you either feel or you don't, or you pretend you do and try and mask what really isn't there.

Do you mean it?

Saturday, 17 December 2016

Annie

Tonight I watched Annie for the first time in a long time, I've had the soundtrack stuck in my head for weeks so I thought it was about time I had a reunion with one of my old favourite musicals. Inevitably I cried; like I always do. It's always the scene where Mr and Mrs Mutch come to collect Annie and Mr Warbox is singing and on verge of tears, it breaks my heart. This time I cried much more, it hit me sooner than Daddy Warbox singing, it hit me the moment Annie said 'mom'. I became a flood of uncontrollable tears, I had to restrain myself from screaming stop at the screen. No idea what came over me, but it shattered my heart. Thinking it over I believe it's because I have this fear of falseness and abandonment. Something about a scene that broke my heart and always has broke my heart again much worse and much more than it ever did. I value family, love and honesty, and that scene involving all of that just set something off inside of me.

Annie

Tuesday, 13 December 2016

Goodbye November

November,

Thank you for an amazing thirty days, I am trully thankful that I walked side by side with you. You have brought me a  lot, faith, happiness, love and a bright future. I feel like you've spoilt with goodness, I believe you may have made my 2016. Thank you, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Au revoir!

Goodbye November

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Give me a kiss

Give me a kiss, make it quick.
One hit, breathe
Second hit, tongue
My eyes roll back 

To my forearms
Coursing through my blood
Your love, your adrenaline.

Your whispers to my ear 

Ecstacy of lusting
I'm losing my breath
You're making me high

Give me a kiss

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Bridget Jones's Baby

Today I met up with an old friend, we both decided we were going to see the new Bridget Jones' film. I am a huge fan of Bridget and have been for a long time. Despite being only a character, she is relatable, and just humorous. I adore her. I had heard so many good things from people about the film, and I finally set aside some time to go see it. IT WAS AMAZING. Ar the beginning I was a little worried, kind of if it was just going to copy the first film but no, it was original with some references to the past films, it was wonderfully hilarious. I could not stop laughing, I enjoyed every second of it. The new character Jack, what a guy! He was super hot, and Patrick Dempsey was a wonderful addition to Bridget. I must say, I have always rooted for Mister Darcy he has always been my ideal man but Jack definitely has a lot going for him. The film couldn't have gone any better. I adored it, all of it.

Bridget Jones's Baby

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Brew Dog

Sunday I went to Brew Dog. It was my first time there, and oh my. I fell in love with the place instantly, and the pictures in the collage will show you why. It was so unique and mind blowing. The toilets had the 'Brew Dog' on the wall, and inside the cubicles there were shelves with Hairspray on, I literally cannot imagine anything more strangely glamorous. Where we sat, it was so comfy. The sofas were super chill, and the fairy lights, it seemed like a place I could only dream up, only it was real! Needless to say, I will be going back.

Brew Dog

Sunday, 2 October 2016

I wish I could tell you

I wish I could tell you, tell you where I've been. All the times I've been away, the excuses I've thrown your way. It hurts me it does, the guilt always lingers  but I just can't stop, no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to let him go. I love you, but I think I love him too. His arms his smile the way his fingers trace my skin, it's not fair on you but I can't let you go. If I tell you, it breaks two things. Your heart and the passion of secrecy between myself and him. As I watch you sleep next to me I wish he was entwined with me. I'm not coming home, at least not tonight. I look you in the eyes, and tell you you're all my heart desires, but I'm looking over your shoulder lusting for him. I can't keep you close but I don't want to let you go. You know, don't you? I don't mean to though, you mean a lot to me. It's a crime of passion, the kind I've only read in books and I just can't let it go. I wish I could tell you, but I won't. Neither of you I'll let go...

I wish I could tell you

Friday, 9 September 2016