Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
As of a couple of days ago, I handed in my last bit of Uni work, and I have now finished my degree! Three emotional years, it’s been such a wild ride. For the past three years, I have been studying English Literature and Creative Writing at the University of Brighton.  I have learned so much in the space of three years, things about my degree and many things about myself. I have met so many amazing people, new friends and I have experienced so many new things. University has been the best time of my life so far, granted it has not been easy. At times I just wanted to give up, sometimes I felt like I would rather be anywhere else. The friends I had made in Brighton have really kept me going, and have quite frankly kept me sane.  From Maccies drives with my number one to Ramen nights' with a housemate. Everyone I have met has really contributed to my time in Brighton. There has been a lot of laughter and a lot of tears. Yesterday, I celebrated with a small get-together (following lockdown rules) and popped a few bottles of champagne. I never had champagne before and can confirm it does not taste so great, two bottles almost to myself did get me a little tipsy. It was a lovely celebration with family when it all calmed down and I had a moment to myself I felt emotional. It finally hit me that I have achieved something so great and now it is all over. I am sad that we could not end the year with a massive celebration due to Covid-19 but we will all see each other again at our graduation ceremony in February.  A chapter of my life has ended and now it is time for my next adventure, a new chapter awaits me!

Class of 2020

Sunday, 14 June 2020

Trains. Planes. Buses. And even your own two feet. One thing they all have in common? They take you places. They allow you to get from A to B. Granted,  sometimes (more than enough times) at a cost. I watch trains leave the station daily, planes lift off into the air nightly and feet taking their owners for a walk every single second of the day. 

Cameras. Pictures. Your own two eyes. All of these glorious things allow us to see the world. Witness the great things in life like birth, spring, and the sun setting and rising. From the second we wake up to the second we fall asleep we’ve witnessed concisely and subconsciously a million things taking place in a single day. And when the lights are out? Our minds take over. 

The beautiful brain. Transporting you to places in a millisecond. Showing you thousands of things in a single dream. Through the day it takes you back in time through memories. Our brains are limitless. Thinking of new places, constantly processing and storing new information. An imagination that is never ending... and it’s free. 

Sometimes we are so wrapped up in life, we forget to take a second to just stand still. Appreciate the things we have and how wonderful our bodies are and how magnificent our brains are. I suppose this is just me taking a second to just step back and appreciate simple things. 

What are you appreciative of today?

Appreciate

Monday, 13 August 2018

I noticed this book in the media a lot, especially over the last year or so. At work, it has been catching my eye on the shelf, and I've heard nothing but positive things about the book. On a journey to educate myself I bought this novel ‘Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race’ written by Reni Eddo-Lodge. I am not sure what I expected but I was just ready for my mind to opened and to learn new things. And become more aware of the world around me and even places closer to home. This book has done that and much more.

 Firstly, this book was educational, to say the least.  I’ve learned so much more about black history within the UK. I feel as though we’ve only been taught about Black History in other countries like the US but not what has been happening close to home. The first chapter explores this, going over events that have happened in the UK and discusses perhaps why we don't know as much as we should. Within the first few pages, my eyes had been opened. Before reading this book all I briefly knew about Black History was that Liverpool was known for the slave trade. From the book, I’ve learned that it is across the country that the slave trade took place. As well as many acts of violence and hate crimes have occurred even in recent years.  I guess until now I didn’t know the full extent of it.  The second chapter ‘The System’ really shocked me. The miss treatment of people just because of the colour of their skin, the injustices that families have endured and are still going through in today’s society is mind-boggling. Through this chapter, I learned about race cases that had occurred in and around the country. 
I feel ignorant, I never really understood what privileges come with being white. And this book addresses those privileges.  I hadn’t ever considered it, and I found that the book has definitely made me realise a lot of things. That as a society white people are treated better, and it’s completely unfair. I can see why this book has had such a great social impact. 
'Fear of the black planet' chapter was a preach of all chapters!! So many times I’ve witnessed arguments where people have used racism under the name of ‘freedom of speech’ it’s angering and just disgusting. I found this chapter the most interesting so far, it discusses situations that have occurred in the media such as the rumour of Idris Alba becoming the new bond and the seventh Star Wars film having two black heroes. I found these films revolutionary and just ‘about fucking time’! This chapter shows the reactions of white people and the fear they have when a protagonist isn’t white. For years the film industry (as well as other broadcast industries as well the book industry basically every industry ever)  have reflected the white person back onto the white audience, and now that is changing people are threatened by it. I think the part I really felt ‘You’re so right’ is where the author Reni Eddo-Lodge discusses the uproar of the casting of a black Hermione in The Cursed Child, she makes a point that people can’t see a character who is smart, driven and fucking amazing as being black but can believe in walking through walls. Like seriously?! This chapter was just proving people wrong all left right and centre.
In the book, there is a chapter about feminism and what it means to be a feminist. It talks about white feminism and how a lot of the time feminists aren’t willing to include race in their agenda. That just being a woman and the issues women face is enough, but this book talks about how the every day feminism we are used to doesn’t seem to apply to all. I’ve found this chapter educational, as a feminist and a lover of education this book alone has widened me knowledge on a lot of things. Although I know as a white woman I’ll never fully be able to relate to the author or the people who endure all of this prejudice mentioned in the book but that doesn’t mean I can’t preach what she is saying. She talks about how feminism currently aims to achieves what only effects them, the majority of famous feminists are white so they don’t have to deal with race as an issue, so most of the time it is just swept under the carpet. Reni goes on to talk about how feminism should be all inclusive, even though it’s unrealistic but things like race, sexuality, disability etc. Need to be talked about, issues need to be raised even if it seems impossible to make all individuals equal. 
Reading the sixth chapter of this book ‘Race and Class’ this chapter talks about politics and how political agendas try to divide the class systems. Especially Whites from PoC/ BME. Potiticans scaremongers white work class people about immigrants ‘taking their jobs’. Reni makes the point that these leaders, people above working class folk, only ever use this card to place the blame. Is it not the people above us holding us down? But they don’t want the working people to  notice that so they put the blame on other people. Is it not easier to blame the neighbour than battle the powers above? This chapter really opened my eyes, I always thought the ‘immigrants are taking our jobs’ was rubbish, but I didn’t consider why these nonsense rumours were being spread. Politicians are trying to turn the classes against one another to distract from the real issues being dealt with. The chapter really tackles politics and by the end addresses that working class people white or of any colour shouldn’t be turned against each other, we are all in similar situations. However,  this still means race shouldn’t be ignored.
Having finished this book I find that an anger has arisen inside of me. I know I can’t change all of above, and I probably will never truly or personally understand the issues BMEdeal with. But  I can talk about it. Race needs to be talked about, wide and far and it’s an ongoing issue that won’t ever go away. It shouldn't be ignored, because it doesn't apply to certain people, this is an issue that needs to be addressed. I would recommend you reading this book, anybody and everybody should read this book. It’s eye opening and quite frankly a shock that everybody needs. 

Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race (review)

Tuesday, 31 July 2018

Every once in a while I feel the need for change, and this time I decided to change the layout of my blog. If you haven't noticed already... if you're on a phone you might not see the full change but I am working on phone layout too!  I just feel as though my old layout was getting a bit dull and I just wanted things a bit more lively!  I am living for my new colour scheme, and I have even changed somethings around. I just feel like a refresh really motivates me, it makes me want to write more and work harder on my blog. Instead of posting randomly whenever I feel like it. I am aiming to post weekly, sometimes my brain is just like 'naahh mate I've got nothing for you.' which isn't helpful but it's something I am working on.
I have been working on one of my other pages too.  I have added a new page Ramblings. I say new page but I edited the name and content of 'Desires' mainly because it sounded weird. I gave that page a little makeover too. I decided that it will be my rambling pages, where I get to write crap basically. Things that don't make the cut for my main blog, but is still important enough for me to want to write it. It's nothing serious. I did post a piece over on there today though, I had written it on my main blog a couple months ago but I don't think it's the right content for here, so I never posted it. I talk about clubbing and emotional comedowns, it's not a very chirpy blog post mind.
This post isn't exactly exciting but I am chuffed with my new layout.  I am aiming to try and post every Monday, mainly because I hate Monday's so I am trying this new thing out where I approach things positively. Instead of thinking 'oh fuck it's Monday' I am trying to think 'Yey blog day!!'. We will see how well this turns out!

New Layout & Ramblings

Tuesday, 27 March 2018

The first person I kissed was a girl, I was at a sleepover with my two of my best friends. I'd drank at least half a can of Fosters and in year 8 - that was a pretty big deal to me. I don't have a problem with kissing girls - I have dated girls since. The problem was kissing a friend, I was peer pressured into it. I'm not annoyed at the fact our lips touched several times that night, I'm annoyed because of the planted feelings that reoccur in my chest, even years after. We are still friends this girl and I. She doesn't know  that I think about that night more than I probably should. When things don't work out with other girls I want to run right back to her even though I was never hers and nor was she mine. I get mad at her when she talks about boys and when she enters cycles of toxic relationships which all end in her sad and sinking back into her depression, I tell her I'm mad because she is my friend and I care for her. I tell her she deserves better than some fuck boy, but I don't tell her that I want to hold her and kiss her until she realises how beautiful  kind she is.

I remember her previous boyfriends and how when those relationships ended she swore she was lonely, and that she does not deserve to be loved. And each time I wanted to scream at her,  tell her that I love her, and that I will never let her be alone. But I stayed silent, because my words mean nothing to her. Just sounds that plead to her.  I keep myself at a distance now, my heart simply cannot take the throbs her smile dishes out. I am still there for her, with kind words and reassurance but that is all.

The girl I shared my first kiss with, she unknowingly taught me a valuable life lesson. The real sadness to life is when you realize that even though you can love a person with all of your being they don't always reciprocate those exact feelings and nor do they have to - you can give them so much but you can't force a person to love you back, no matter how hard you try.

A Girl

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Hello loyal readers!

Firstly, I will begin to say that I apologize for being awol this month. It is exam season, and well life threw me a curveball this month in my personal life. But, I am back in the frame of mind of writing again. This month has perhaps been one of the most difficult in my life so far, but I plowed through focusing on my exams and nothing else. My last exam was yesterday, and it was such a relief to have finally finished A Levels after 3 long years. The pressure to not fuck up has been real, I am not sure how results day will go, some of my exams were tough, but I know not to dwell on them right now. I did my best and it's all out of my hands right now.

To celebrate finishing A Levels with my friends, after my exam we decided to get drunk. Pitchers at the ready of course. It was a nice end to three years.

I want to talk about how it took me three years to finish A-Levels, I am aware it took my longer than a lot of my peers but it was important it took me three years. This time last year I was finishing AS for the second time round, and I've been thinking about my state of mind then compared to now. If I hadn't of messed up my first year and had gone to Uni last September, I honestly do not think I would have been ready. I was still worried on where I wanted to go in life, whereas now? I feel more steady, and I know I want to do English and going into the publishing industry. It took me the last year or so to discover myself, I know what I want and where I want to go. I have learned a lot about myself due to taking that extra year to complete A Levels. I am glad I messed up my first year, I would not be the person I am today without it.

I  want to say that. it is okay to fuck up. We all do it, you just have to learn from your mistakes and try again. It might take you longer to get to the place you want to be, you friends may even be ahead of you, but that is okay. You are doing this for yourself, and no one else.  Do it at your own pace, and just keep going, you will get exactly where you are meant to be, even if like myself it takes an extra year. You have got this.

I started my first day of summer with a good eleven and a half hours sleep, it was perfect not having to wake up for an alarm. I am quite optimistic about this Summer. The Summer before university. So far I have a gig planned, a cinema screening of a friend's film, a party to go to, pride, holiday to Spain and my best friend from Manchester is visiting so no doubt we will be up to many adventures. Those are the set in stone plans, no doubt there will be many more spontaneous plans on the cards. I also plan on writing a book, or begin to, this Summer. I am continuing a piece I did for my English Coursework, it is historic fiction, I will do a post on it with more detail another time!

Expect more summer posts. for example, I am shopping for holiday clothes this week so I may do a little holiday haul for you!



Summer Begins

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Hello!

I feel like it has been a while since I just posted a talk/thought kind of post. So yesterday I posted a new poem,a spoken word poem which I did a video reading which I attached to the bottom. It wasn't spectacular but it something I hope to do more of in the future. It's fun and something new. 

Yesterday something else happened to me to; realization struck me during a heart to heart with my sister, I've been wanting to leave home for Uni since I was twelve and it sunk it that in four months time I will be doing just that. I cannot believe I am actually this close, it is frightening.  I am excited but absolutely bricking it at the same time!

I am also addicted to The Sims 4 - I spend all my free time on it, it is probably getting out of control. I am doing The Legacy challenge, which is challenging to say at the least. It's making me play Sims in a whole new way, so that is enjoyable.

Things are okay, I'm not bursting with happiness but I'm not crying myself to sleep either. I am okay with okay.

ALOHA!!

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

I've had this conversation in my head at least twenty times already, each time it doesn't get easier. It's panned out in my head as I tell you how I feel and you disagree and try to to talk me out of it, and each time me crying and hurting but trying to do what is best. I've imagined what I'd say and thought about how you'd respond. It's not easy, in my head it's just as messed up as it would be in person. How can you rehearse breaking someone's heart?
I've been skipping any song related to love, I escape the overloading thoughts of you with my early nights, only to the world they're early nights but to me it's tossing and turning of tears and cold heart ache.
Give me alcohol, give me paracetamol; take these thoughts away and cover these feelings. I don't want to deal with this right now, but if not now when? This pain injected into my  veins will only be ten times as bad in  six months.  We should depart now but what if you take my soul and happiness with you?

Rehearsal

Monday, 6 February 2017

The eyes, they always capture me. Despite them being a very small part of the human body, sure lips of smiles are cute, and the feel of skin is enhancing but it's the little ovals of life that really invite me into your soul. Laying beside or even standing in front, the colours altering slightly with the variation of light. You can tell me your fine, but if your eyes are not meeting mine I can see through your facade. Eyes, even though two people can have exactly the same colour, when you look into both of their eyes you will not experience similar happenings.

the eyes

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

I received the best advice I could ever be given and at the time I didn't even realise. It was not long after I changed sixth form last year and the advice was from someone I'd never expect to be right. A woman who has lived a long working class life, grafting for a living and raising a family. She has seen somethings and I respect her dearly. A woman as she told me about her education, with regret in her eyes told me these words

"Education is the only way to get out, get out of this city and go somewhere and be a somebody."

And this,this one piece of advice, from a woman whose living on a council estate getting her and her family by, changed me. With this one piece of advice, I keep in my mind. I work hard for this quote, cause I don't want to be stuck in this city that is my hometown. I want to be educated, travel and go places and be my own person and not be held back by my social class. It's not a fools dream,as I go through my A Levels I am making this a reality. I cried the other week, I sobbed tears of joy as I received an offer from the University of my dreams; The University of Brighton. I'm predicted at the end of A Levels BBC and they offered me CCC. I sobbed because this lovely woman made me realise if you put in the work and follow your own direction you don't have to be attached to the constraints of your hometown. I'm not sure she is aware of the impact she has made on me, a neighbour of my sisters, this is to you. Thank you, you have no idea how much I think back to your words, when things are fussy and I feel like giving in sometimes, it is those words that put me back on track.

The best advice

Sunday, 4 December 2016

One month, one whole month
Never have I ever had so much fun
Every second I've learned something new

Memories are being made
One day at a time
Never do I want this to go away
To one month and hopefully many more
How you've made me so much happier!

One Month

Saturday, 3 December 2016

November,

Thank you for an amazing thirty days, I am trully thankful that I walked side by side with you. You have brought me a  lot, faith, happiness, love and a bright future. I feel like you've spoilt with goodness, I believe you may have made my 2016. Thank you, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Au revoir!

Goodbye November

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Life is too short to stay sour, sure bad things happen and friendships end. Memories fade and things get forgotten, but what about the things you do remember? The good times you had, the stupid moments no one else will understand just you and that one friend. The way I see it, you can try and forget all the years between you two or you can drop a message and try to rekindle. Life is too short to try and burn bridges, be thankful they happened and then together reminsce. Even if you both are busy, what harm can a few texts do? If there is someone who came to mind whilst you read this, please give them a message. Not for me, but for you. Don't let a good thing go to waste, plus no one knows you like a best friend does.

rekindle

Monday, 28 November 2016

I didn't know it would feel this way, I somehow never imagined that this would feel so good. For the first time in my life I have this feeling, a feeling that is so pure and almost magical. No fairytale or young adult fiction book could ever prepare me for this. If someone told me that this would feel just like this, I would have rolled my eyes and told them no not me, never me. I don't even know if it feels the same for anyone else, but for me it feels so good. This feeling chases away loneliness and invites in excitement.

feels so good

Saturday, 26 November 2016

Every decision we make changes the course of our lives, if we change our route home we've split from a pattern, anything could happen that day you decide to change something, for all you know you could meet the love of your life. Every day you are making decisions, even some you are not aware of. Such as deciding to get up today, or knocking back an invite to party. Ultimately we decide what to next; if it which literal path to cross next or the metaphorical thought to view something a different way. Sometimes even the small decisions can have an impact, if you decide which sixth form you go to, or if you're preparing for which uni to pick, each decision will have a different outcome, and it is up to you to take  a leap of faith and follow the path you desire.

decisions

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

If the sun didn't come up tomorrow would you miss it? Or would you carry out your day in darkness? The sun will come up tomorrow, it's a certainty. The one thing we can depend on, it will go down and it will come back up. Each day and each out. No matter what happens in the world, what feelings occur or danger lurks the sun will always be a certainty. Down it set and then rises up again, marking a brand new unpredictable day.

Certainty

Monday, 14 November 2016

Give me a kiss, make it quick.
One hit, breathe
Second hit, tongue
My eyes roll back 
To my forearms
Coursing through my blood
Your love, your adrenaline.

Your whispers to my ear 
Ecstacy of lusting
I'm losing my breath
You're making me high

Give me a kiss

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Am I wrong to look beyond the edges I am Given? To ignore what I'm being taught, looking beyond the box I've been placed in. Scribbling outside of the lines of the society I've been born into. I have this thirst, this desire for something more than what I can see.  I refuse to be restrained between the lines, not when I can jump the page and take hold of my pen. Design my own road and take lead. Am I wrong for trying to reach these things?

Reach

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

"Enjoy the simple things"

Quote of the week

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Friday? Cool
Unload the week's troubles
Nap the whole weekend

Fun

Monday, 3 October 2016

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