Health Kick

Last night  with my partner we were on a date, an unhealthy one with amazing milkshakes, bowling and then later McDonald's. After bowling we went into the photo booth and took some snaps, and I'm so in love with him and the photos just looking at us makes me genuinely happy.

Until, despite the photographs bringing me happiness they stung me. When the date was over and returned home I began staring at the photograph. Seeing myself, and noticing just how much weight I've gained, I've been feel self conscious lately, and last night I honestly broke down. I can look at the photograph and feel giddy about how amazing he is, and how happy good we are together, but that's with ignoring the fact I'm not happy with how I look.

I want to be healthier, I want to feel and look good and I just want to look in my reflection and be in love with myself like I am with my partner. Sure I can take loads of selfies, and post them to Instagram, but those are of my face. I can't help but notice the parts of me that I dislike in the photographs. So  I was on the phone to him, and telling him my thoughts and I was asking questions about my body and how I see it and if he sees it differently and what not.

He helped me and I've been talking for ages about getting my shit together, and he helped realise it's not too late, I can be happy with myself. I can join a gym and eat better and feel good about myself, and it feels so good to have someone who just wants me to be happy. He's being super supportive, and motivating me. So, as this is going on my blog it makes it official (in my mind) I am starting a health kick, reducing the junk food, adding in more fruit and veg and become reintroduced to the gym.

This is for me and only me, so I can feel better about myself, more energy and life. I want to love my body, and I want to feel confident, I'm not happy with how I am and it's about time I did something about it.

To the side is me now, this is the beginning of my health kick and I am determined to be healthier; physically, mentally and emotionally!

Health Kick

Thursday, 26 January 2017

I am fine

Believe it or not I am fine. Everything I'm feeling is completely normal. Never judge a book by its cover but sometimes somethings are exactly how they seem. You see things in the passing of life. On we go, our own little journeys. Up the ladder of our own person success. Aren't there other things you should probably be doing, rather than fussing with whatever I am doing. Really I am fine. Every now and then I do get sad, but like I said it's completely normal. Are you looking for answers? Don't look here. I don't know what good this could possibly do for you. Chasing memories and dwelling on words won't help you much. Keep your thoughts to yourself, and I'll keep mine!

I am fine

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Thighs and Freckles

I like to believe I know my body better than anybody else, I've looked at it the most it is mine and I can't ever change that. I know my flaws and favourite parts.  And well I want to dicuss some of my flaws well things that were once my flaws or are transitioning from the flaw mentality set up I have going. Also my family and friends have been so supportive and I love them dearly for always having my back and picking me up.
Firstly let's discuss the first subject of the title thighs. For as long as I remember I have always had a problem with my thighs, for years I've thought they were too fat and should always be hidden. I wouldn't let myself wear shorts or be seen in anything that was revealing. So my go to is always Jeans (sometimes leggings not see through I am somewhat classy) and along with my thighs I hated my arms. I Always covered up and anyone who knows me knows I practically live in Hoodies and Jeans, rarely ever have my arms on show more so my thighs.
Until recently, yesterday I bought a whole new outfit. And today I tried it on and and even took some pictures, and well here it is.

Yes arms and thighs on show. I am self conscious and having that photo online makes me incredibly nervous but I like the photo and it makes me feel somewhat good. And I know when I wear it to the cinema on Tuesday I will have to constantly remind myself I am confident and beautiful and can rock this and that short dungarees aren't just for thinner girls.
I am trying to become more comfortable in my body I am tired of hiding myself afraid of judgment. Well that ends now, whatever I wear is my choice and it isn't effecting anyone and if it that is their problem not mine. In order to love myself I need to put myself out there, I need to flaunt (what I call them) my flaws and love them, in order to move forward in my self love journey I need to step out of my comfort zone. So I am showing my arms and thighs in that picture and do you know what? The outfit is cute and I believe I look really good and I can't wait to wear this out, I am confident, beautiful and I fucking rock this outfit!
Now onto the second subject Freckles. I can't get rid of them, and well I'm going to be honest. When I take selfies my phone has a beauty face thing built which can be adjusted and so I've always used that to make my face smoother and freckle free until recently. I've been loving my freckles and turning off the beauty face I've been embracing them, I've been posting selfies on Instagram where they look bold on me. I never knew Freckles were so beautiful, they're little dots of cuteness.  They make me feel so fresh and naturalistic, don't get me wrong I love when I have makeup on and I'm all dolled up, but it feels good taking the steps to self acceptance without feeling like I need to alter things.
Maybe becoming an adult has taught me a few things. Something has clicked inside of my head. I have a new mindset I need to think of me and love me, whatever anyone else thinks is their business,just because someone else may think big isn't good doesn't mean I have to believe that.
As long as I'm not hurting anyone or myself then who cares what I'm wearing or looking like? I'm trying to be happy with myself and work on self acceptance and embrace my features and it's exciting and scary and I'm ready. My recent achievement on liking my body is beginning with my freckles and thighs, what are you beginning?

Thighs and Freckles

Friday, 1 April 2016

Body Positivity

I saw this image floating about the internet and it got me thinking.

Growing up I have always been a bigger girl, I was never the really thin girl. I've always had cellulite and curves for as long as I can remember. I have never looked like 'other' girls, all my friends have always been much thinner than I am. I feel from a young age I (like many others) have been conditioned to not love myself unless I was skinny or looked like everyone else. In the heat of the moment, or even out of sheer meanness people always kind of took the low blow and mention my weight (this won't be about bullying but I'll cover that in a future blog post) and so it has always been an insecurity of mine. My weight has always been a concern of mine, and I remember being maybe 10  years old and coming home crying about my weight, people making fun and just commenting. On top of this I was seeing gorgeous thin women in the media everywhere (and it is the same still) and for years my weight has been my biggest insecurity, it is to this day but I'm on a journey of self-love. I remember hanging out with my friends in year six and we were going over to one of the girls' house and they were playing on the scales, which naturally I wasn't keen on doing but with persuasion I did. They laughed, of course I was much bigger than they were, and it hurt of course it had.  Since then I've had adults mention my weight, guys, girls, people who I thought were my friends and even complete strangers (I'll mention the full story in a future post) so my confidence has never been the strongest. I used to think I was fat, but I look back at myself in pictures and it makes me cry. I wasn't fat, I looked healthy and even adorable. Pictures from five years ago, I was self-conscious and I hated how I looked. God, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that she is fine, and she should just concentrate on being happy because that is all that matters. But no now I see from there I self-destructed, food has always been the answer to most things for me. I got bigger and torn myself apart. I got unhappier with myself and my appearance, I even turned to dieting pills and they didn't have the best effect on me. Don't get me wrong I have tried dieting and going to gym regularly and it was good for me, but with exams and  life I just couldn't balance everything. I turn 18 in March and it has taken me years to realize this;  I've always thought of myself as fat and I'm not the only one. It's sick how the media have conditioned young people to not love themselves and to  aspire to be thinner and prettier. When really we should love ourselves and as long as you're healthy that's all that should matter! Being skinny doesn't mean you're healthy. And for a guy having bulks of muscles doesn't make you a man. I've realized there is nothing wrong with being a big girl, why should I be thinner to please others? As long as I'm healthy and not putting myself in danger then I'm okay to be how I am. I know I am not completely self-loving, but it a journey I am taking and I believe I am capable of loving myself and being the happiest I can be.  Why should we have to be what the media tells and shows us? I believe as long as you're happy then that's all that matters. We can be who we want to be. Join me on the road of body positivity, next time you see your reflection give yourself a compliment, you are beautiful, we all are, male, female, big, small, tall, short, fat, thin - we are all beautiful!

Body Positivity

Sunday, 31 January 2016

Bus to adulthood

I awoken early this morning all eager. In a good mood a made breakfast for myself and family, it tasted pretty good. I then decided on a nice hot bubble bath, I had washed my hair the night before. So from there I began ready, feeling more and more like an adult as I put on my skin matched foundation and waterline eye liner. Then came the dress pants, skin type because they are my favourite. So comes the shirt, flat shoes and blazer. I have to say I looked and felt like an adult, once I added my black and white checketed vans backpack I felt more in my comfort zone.

I am currently on the bus to my interview, sitting backwards. Watching out the back window,  streets and familiarities moving further away from. Then is struck me, what if this is my bus to adulthood. What I'm moving further from is being a kid and I'm perhaps now moving into a new stage in my life. I will be attending my first ever job interview, and for once in my life I can gladly say that I feel confident. Let adulthood begin, I'm ready for you.

Bus to adulthood

Saturday, 17 October 2015

Monday Talk

I've just realized so far I have managed to update my blog every day of October so far. This is like a record for me! I am currently in sixth form, it seems my lessons don't start until an hour and I did all my work yesterday so yes I actually have a free period (this word will forever make me cringe) to myself.
These cold mornings just won't do, I wanted to be imprisoned in my blanket this morning. However, I got up and thankfully my dad handed me a hot cup of tea which was more than helpful at warming me up. Today let's say my appearance is  a little lacking (yes more than usual) so I've done the classical thing by applying some eyeliner on my waterline to make myself look and feel a little better, I say apply to my waterline because I don't know how to apply it elsewhere and those flick things just aren't me I guess. And when  I say apply I mean flapping my hands around either because I've poked myself in the eye or since I haven't wore eye liner in a while I'm more than likely crying.

Today is my second day of dieting, I've started well with brown breaded toast! I'm feeling very determined for this diet, obviously I'm going to be doing work outs and things to further the weight loss. I'm going to do a weekly body check in, and keep track of everything. I bought my lunch this morning, sandwiches, water and a huge fruit salad box thing. I love fruit, pineapple's are my favourite.
I'm glad you guys can join me on this journey, the journey of my writing, my physical and mental health. Together we shall develop as human beings. If you are following or wanting to go on a body journey or weight loss thing, even though I am just starting out on this new diet I have a few tips. I have done diets in the past, which didn't go well. I used to go to gym regularly but with college exams it got busy. But I have picked up a few tips so far.

I will do a full blog post later in the week or maybe even next week about my whole body journey and things like my inspirations, my downfalls, my weight gain and what not.

 I shall leave you with the first tip though;

Tip One; The most important part of your journey (if it be weight loss, or emotional or any kind of journey) is that you must begin it with a positive mindset and maintain that positive mindset. You are why you are on this journey and a little positivity (and determination) can take you a very long way.

Monday Talk

Monday, 12 October 2015

People Watching

  I started writing this morning on my journey to sixth form, it felt good to write so early, it wasn't forced and the words felt natural, they felt real especially being the atmosphere and setting of what I was writing. 

 A tsunami of mist flooded the village. Each house you could only see the tops peeking from the white cloud. It was almost as if the secrets, people and all things living were imprisoned by the vapors. It's a small community, at least until they grab their pitchforks and become an unstoppable army ridding their villages of dirt and unwanted visitors.

  As I walk through the early morning, the cold bites at me, like it does every weekday morning.

The only life visible is those of the field animals, minding their own business, most of the time.

     As weird as it sounds I like to people watch, in my head I sometimes give them whole background stories and what not. It might make me crazy but I cannot resist. 

Since getting into a routine, waking up, peeing, sipping at a cup of tea whilst checking Instagram, getting ready, talk to dad for a bit and leave for ten past eight. I then get on the same bus I do every day, the black eleven. I say black because it used to be purple, I preferred it purple, not that it matters really. As I've become accustomed to the number eleven, there is a pattern of people, who it seems have their own routine. I don't talk to them of course, but I see them all every if not most days.

Weirdly enough I've become fascinated with two people, I say fascinated mildly, they are always in plain sight, I don't know why. Except today, today they sit at the back which is unusual for their routine, maybe there is a glitch, or maybe it is because the bus is packed a lot earlier and quicker than usual.

   The two people, a boy. A girl. You probably know where I'm going to with this. I noted how beautiful they both are, natural beauty. She with her dark curly brown hair, kind of like spaghetti, she has kind of tanned ivory skin, not an inch of any beauty product evident. Him, handsome muddy blonde hair, also tanned skin. He sounds quite cliche but he isn't, he isn't clean cut like most males of that description, instead he wears a beard.
   Let's name them, Clarissa and Dwayne.  I liked them immediately, they were close. You could feel the tension between them though, the need for one another. The biology between them. They get on the bus together, they sit together, she even leaves her sister to sit next to him, at least until he gets off. I say sister, maybe she isn't. And they coincidentally share the same hair.

    The moment I first saw Clarissa and Dwayne, I routed for them. They obviously made for each other. Each day I wondered if their friendship would sprout into something more. I had a suspicion that perhaps they were in a relationship. Yesterday I got my answer.

     He pressed the bell before hoisting his backpack over his right shoulder, and before turning to leave he bent down, Clarissa tilted her head up. And that's when I got my answer.

   I type away on my phone as my earphones blare music into my ear drums, one day it will damage them, but I love the sounds too much to even turn it down in the slightest.  I look up every now and then, to see the new arrivals of the number eleven journey.

   As usual another person has taken their fate beside me, today I don't mind. That's weird, I'm not nervous or anxious. Very weird. I merely don't mind, is this social improvement?

   I feel like I should maybe stop, stop typing away. Afraid someone will read what I'm typing or simply maybe because I can feel myself begin to ramble on. Until next time...

People Watching

Tuesday, 29 September 2015