Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Growing up
it is not what I thought it ought to be
I thought I'd age gracefully
not rush through life like a hot mess
I was clearly wrong.

growing up

Tuesday 27 February 2018

I was stood in central station, waiting on the arrival of my mother from her weekend away. On the platform I stood waiting and watching, watching people board and passengers saying goodbye to their families. Young adults I assumed were going off to universities with their many bags and cases, hugging their families tightly before setting off onto the train that will change their lives. My cheeks became wet with tears, my heart thumping limp in my chest. I could see the love of these people, wishing their son or daughter good luck. Their children all grown up, leaving home for three years. It broke my heart. For years I've been desperately wishing to be those people going off to university, set out for a new adventure but at the station my heart was with the families the students were leaving  behind. I felt their sorrow inside, I felt the longing the mothers would have wondering if their child is safe and happy every night. I thought of my own family, in exactly one year we will be in this very station feeling these very things, I cried to myself some more. The people I grew up with me, the memories and everyday things, how they will change the moment I drag my case onto the train. What broke my heart the most was the thought of Kara. The child I've seen grow from a baby, the delightful days, the memorable months and loving years I've seen her develop and her imagination open like a flower. I've been with her most of her life, and in a years time that will change. I won't see her for 12 weeks, she'll be twice as smart and twice as grown by the time I'll next see her. When I think of university, I think get away from home, as far as you can. Theoretically it sounds ideal, but in the station I already felt homesick, homesick because of something that hasn't even happened yet.

A year from now

Monday 5 September 2016

The patter of rain from the window
wind gushing in my freedom.
Laughter between friends
running a wild havoc.
Pure delightful nonsense
oh those were the days.
The days stolen from us.

Ripped from our tiny palms
toys replaced with politics
laughter transformed into tears
singing strained into stressful screams.
No care in the world
to caring too much for the world.
Bruised knees to broken hearts.

Where can we restart?

 

Childhood

Tuesday 9 February 2016

I saw this image floating about the internet and it got me thinking.
Growing up I have always been a bigger girl, I was never the really thin girl. I've always had cellulite and curves for as long as I can remember. I have never looked like 'other' girls, all my friends have always been much thinner than I am. I feel from a young age I (like many others) have been conditioned to not love myself unless I was skinny or looked like everyone else. In the heat of the moment, or even out of sheer meanness people always kind of took the low blow and mention my weight (this won't be about bullying but I'll cover that in a future blog post) and so it has always been an insecurity of mine. My weight has always been a concern of mine, and I remember being maybe 10  years old and coming home crying about my weight, people making fun and just commenting. On top of this I was seeing gorgeous thin women in the media everywhere (and it is the same still) and for years my weight has been my biggest insecurity, it is to this day but I'm on a journey of self-love. I remember hanging out with my friends in year six and we were going over to one of the girls' house and they were playing on the scales, which naturally I wasn't keen on doing but with persuasion I did. They laughed, of course I was much bigger than they were, and it hurt of course it had.  Since then I've had adults mention my weight, guys, girls, people who I thought were my friends and even complete strangers (I'll mention the full story in a future post) so my confidence has never been the strongest. I used to think I was fat, but I look back at myself in pictures and it makes me cry. I wasn't fat, I looked healthy and even adorable. Pictures from five years ago, I was self-conscious and I hated how I looked. God, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that she is fine, and she should just concentrate on being happy because that is all that matters. But no now I see from there I self-destructed, food has always been the answer to most things for me. I got bigger and torn myself apart. I got unhappier with myself and my appearance, I even turned to dieting pills and they didn't have the best effect on me. Don't get me wrong I have tried dieting and going to gym regularly and it was good for me, but with exams and  life I just couldn't balance everything. I turn 18 in March and it has taken me years to realize this;  I've always thought of myself as fat and I'm not the only one. It's sick how the media have conditioned young people to not love themselves and to  aspire to be thinner and prettier. When really we should love ourselves and as long as you're healthy that's all that should matter! Being skinny doesn't mean you're healthy. And for a guy having bulks of muscles doesn't make you a man. I've realized there is nothing wrong with being a big girl, why should I be thinner to please others? As long as I'm healthy and not putting myself in danger then I'm okay to be how I am. I know I am not completely self-loving, but it a journey I am taking and I believe I am capable of loving myself and being the happiest I can be.  Why should we have to be what the media tells and shows us? I believe as long as you're happy then that's all that matters. We can be who we want to be. Join me on the road of body positivity, next time you see your reflection give yourself a compliment, you are beautiful, we all are, male, female, big, small, tall, short, fat, thin - we are all beautiful!

Body Positivity

Sunday 31 January 2016

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