Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts

 I never thought I'd learn to love again,

the shattered pieces I look at in disbelief.

I don't feel that familiar cold dread in my chest,

no voices talking me out of this.


I found you,

I am relearning all that I know.

My heart beats faster than it ever did,

this love is different from before.


This love feels gentle,

no games: just our hearts,

I know this is only the start

but loving you isn't hard.


 You make me feel whole,

I know this may not be forever,

I have never felt like that before,

but I like us being together.

Thought of you

Wednesday 5 May 2021


In the middle

In the middle of a pandemic,

it's normal to panic and worry.

We are told these are unprecedented times,

uncertainty is the new normality.


In the middle of a pandemic,

I miss the little things.

Like sitting at the front of the bus,

smiling at strangers,

but you cannot see smiles behind a mask.


In the middle of a pandemic,

I miss human contact.

Hugging my best friend, tightly and publicly.

Now we wave at a two-metre distance.


In the middle of a pandemic,

we have these things called bubbles.

A support network to help you mentally.

They used to be called friend groups,

they now feel more like a lifeline keeping us sane.


I long for the days:

we are safe to be outside again

when covid isn't plastered all over our screens.

I long for when we are no longer in the middle of the pandemic.







(Photo is not my own, I got it from Google)

In the middle

Tuesday 20 October 2020

I keep having this reoccurring dream...
it plays over and over in my head through the day
like a spinning record, the needle dragging itself along the lines
your heart close to mine 
and I wake up with butterflies in my face and fire in my stomach -

I do not know if it is love or just lust or love
but when I see your face the pandemonium inside swells
scaring me, making me frightened that my heart will burst -
like a pin prick stabbed into a child's balloon

I think about your smile and laughter
and how your eyes are an intensified beauty
and I think about my own boring brown windows
and just do not see how they could ever meet

I want to tell the world
just how much of a good person you are
but; like a harsh wind, I push my feelings into a cage of silence
closing the curtains on them to block out the outside world.
how could anyone simply understand?

I have this desire to pour my heart to you
but this ghost behind me taunts me you will only get hurt, again
like every other person I touch falls apart
taking pieces of me with them because... I am no longer whole

I want to ignore the clouds of dread that hang above me
but that ghost keeps yelling you will never love me
and as I feel this need to repel from the lost spirit
I am simply pulled back to it like a magnet

I am encouraged to speak my mind by my friends
and that should be enough, but that voice whispers you will never be enough
and I curl these feelings for you into a hot fiery ball
and I will take them with me wherever I will go...

wherever I will go

Wednesday 5 July 2017

It's the hot cloud blackening a clear blue sky, it's the cool air turning toxic thick as it wraps its paws around a throat. It's chocking till a person is on the floor withering in a panic. It's the swelling of the world becoming too big for a minute soul. It's watching a clock but seeing only  fate come closer, the numbers yelling guilt as the hands bang against a chest like a  viscious trombone. It's only seeing selfishness without the selflessness behind it.

It's like dipping a toe into a blue lagoon that shimmers  with its reflection from above. It's wanting to run into the wild fields and keep running. It's also wanting to fully immerse yourself into the holy water that you know you will only taint. It's a magnet, both attracting and repelling. It's the sun blaring kindness but your soul bounding you sorrowfully to the squelching mud beneath you.

It's running fearlessy into a maze only to be imprisoned in tears between four walls. It's staring into a mirror and not knowing who is looking back. It's sitting under a hollow tree, finding comfort in the balcony of leaves above. It's  not wanting to leave but having to go. It's like walking onto an empty road, not knowing to turn right or left or wait for someone else who is on the same journey to ask them. It's being free but being trapped by your surroundings. Invisible chains disguised as specks of dust.

It's running into the distance till breathing is the only surrounding sound. It's twirling until the ground beneath is an unsteady pulse. It's a heavy heart on weak shoulders. It's wanting to do everything but being unable to complete nothing.

Rest in Peace Jonny

Grief

Saturday 24 June 2017

Swell in the corners of my eyes,
eager to burst like fireworks.

But, no I cannot,
will not set them free.

For those heavy wet storms
touching my gentle cheeks means I lose.
I give up and that I not good enough.

Swell

Thursday 4 May 2017

I feel so trapped by my emotions, my thoughts cage me in and I just want it to stop. This 10-minute mood change is wearing me out, from a burst of happiness to wanting to hide from the world. Every 10 minutes a new emotion decides to fuel me, I don't understand why. Why must I have to feel so much in such little time. I try to hold onto happiness knowing too well a shadow of emotion will inevitably pass. Yet when I feel sadness, my whole life is tainted grey. I feel so much and it draining, emotionally, mentally and physically. I tried avoiding these by sleeping, but due to things I have to do I cannot spend my days in bed, even though I would much rather.

Trapped

Thursday 20 April 2017

I didn't know it would feel this way, I somehow never imagined that this would feel so good. For the first time in my life I have this feeling, a feeling that is so pure and almost magical. No fairytale or young adult fiction book could ever prepare me for this. If someone told me that this would feel just like this, I would have rolled my eyes and told them no not me, never me. I don't even know if it feels the same for anyone else, but for me it feels so good. This feeling chases away loneliness and invites in excitement.

feels so good

Saturday 26 November 2016

I can feel it already
The little strings  steady
From me to you
Bounding us to two.

I can't fight the need
I'm falling at a very high speed
You're the one I want
You're changing my font.

Your eyes are a new world
And at you I am being hurled
Feeling on full blast
Maybe I've found the one at last...

New World

Friday 11 November 2016

It's dark and damp
in this mind of my mine
it's awful lonely in this head of mine
but then you come along like a lamp
lighting up my simplest of thoughts
buzzing around my words
making me love this mind of mine
you're my little ball of light
whizzing around me in the dark
you make it bearable in this head of mine
with you wings you push out all the bad
making it all seem good in this heart of mine

mind of mine

Monday 10 October 2016

Spice on your tongue
Poison on your mind
Intensified negativity 
Together infuriating
Enemy to yourself!!

Spite

Thursday 29 September 2016

Saying how I feel isn't an easy thing
Everything I say comes out wrong
Not that I don't know what to say
Saying my feelings outloud come out differently
In my head it sounds much better
To be honest, I feel a lot
I feel and think way too much
Vast world of nonsense and tangled thoughts
Every second of every damn day

sensitive

Tuesday 27 September 2016

My shadow is sewn to my soul
I can't tear the two apart
You can't get over the wall
I won't allow you to get to my heart.

I dare you to break through
Take down all of those bricks
It's something nobody has been able to do
What you see, do you think you can fix?

Fix?

Monday 26 September 2016

So this week I've gotten a cold and been quite unwell. The joys of having a cold and having stuff to do, is an actual nightmare. I got it from my lovely niece who I babysit daily and take to nursery most mornings, so naturally if anyone was going to become ill after her it was always destined to be me, and it always is. When you're feeling crap and annoyed because of a cold you sit sorrowful reminiscing the times you didn't feel like shit. So today I give you 4 reasons why colds are the worst
1) Runny nose - oh boy how annoying you're constantly snuffling, wiping at your nose every 30 seconds it's god awful. Not to mention the amount of tissues you go through, I've taken to keeping a full role of super soft toilet roll in my backpack, not even kidding it's annoying going back and forth to the toilets to get tissues when your many little packs run out. It's awkward having toilet paper but it saves me energy, the little energy I have during this sad time. I refuse to blow my nose in public places, so I have to suffer and sniffle all day long till I'm alone in my room, this is because personally I think it's disgusting, the sound and the whole process makes me feel sick I don't want anyone else to endure that.
2) You're always tired - you can never feel good whilst having a cold like never. You're always feeling crap. You just want to sleep all day buried in your nice warm bed, but no amount of sleep is enough. I know this because for the past three nights I've went to sleep at 8PM and woke up about half six, I was just as tired and felt worse. But sleeping isn't even an easy task during the cold,  you're constantly wiping your nose, trying to find a position that will stop snot running down your face  (I found lying on your back with your head titled back usually work even though super uncomfortable) plus you can only breathe through your mouth. Lucky for me I don't have a partner or someone who shares room with me, because damn having a blocked nose sure makes you snore.
3) always cold or too hot - the temperature of your body is always different to everyone whose well. For instance in a classroom everyone will be hot and I'm shivering with my coat on. Or at night I'll wear a hoodie to sleep because I'm freezing with a double blanket on yet mid sleep I'll be super hot and have to take my hoodie off and then wow look freezing again, it's an endless cycle. Or how my sister ran my what she called a 'lovely hot bath' I got in yeah felt lukewarm like sure it made my skin red but it didn't feel hot at all.
4) Waste of food - by far the worst part of the whole having a cold process, your taste buds just fail you. You can taste a single thing, everything tastes the same it's god awful. My sister and her fiance made my favourite food Spaghetti from scratch, mushrooms and all and I couldn't taste a thing. I was deeply upset, I am a huge lover of food like obviously I am, it's just sad not being able to taste the goodness of it.
Those are my 4 reasons of why having a cold is the worst. If you have any other reason you hate a cold or some over thing then comment and let me know about it!

Colds are the worst!

Tuesday 20 September 2016

When did I become such a fragile human being? Sure I can be strong and positive and outgoing with other people and when I'm at college. But what about when I'm alone or at home? When did I become a nervous wreck, nervous about big things like the future; university and growing old. But what about the little things I spend so much time worrying and being afraid of? Like wondering if there's going to be another shatter, if I'm going to see fear struck in my siblings face again, or how loud sudden noises make me want to cry and hide. When did I become the person who thinks about everything, planned conversations in my head because I don't want to embarrass myself, paranoia whilst walking down the street wondering what disaster could come my way. When did I become everything I've tried so hard not to be? Emotionally messed up, ready for the next bad thing to present itself. Sure there are good times, and they're amazing and some days I feel good and not a wreck but the fear of something bad is always there. When did my optimism exchange itself for pessimism?

When did I

Sunday 18 September 2016

I was stood in central station, waiting on the arrival of my mother from her weekend away. On the platform I stood waiting and watching, watching people board and passengers saying goodbye to their families. Young adults I assumed were going off to universities with their many bags and cases, hugging their families tightly before setting off onto the train that will change their lives. My cheeks became wet with tears, my heart thumping limp in my chest. I could see the love of these people, wishing their son or daughter good luck. Their children all grown up, leaving home for three years. It broke my heart. For years I've been desperately wishing to be those people going off to university, set out for a new adventure but at the station my heart was with the families the students were leaving  behind. I felt their sorrow inside, I felt the longing the mothers would have wondering if their child is safe and happy every night. I thought of my own family, in exactly one year we will be in this very station feeling these very things, I cried to myself some more. The people I grew up with me, the memories and everyday things, how they will change the moment I drag my case onto the train. What broke my heart the most was the thought of Kara. The child I've seen grow from a baby, the delightful days, the memorable months and loving years I've seen her develop and her imagination open like a flower. I've been with her most of her life, and in a years time that will change. I won't see her for 12 weeks, she'll be twice as smart and twice as grown by the time I'll next see her. When I think of university, I think get away from home, as far as you can. Theoretically it sounds ideal, but in the station I already felt homesick, homesick because of something that hasn't even happened yet.

A year from now

Monday 5 September 2016

Sometimes when things get tough, and bottling in your every emotion just isn't enough, when your feelings and fears are pouring out of the seams. Those are the times you need someone you love, someone who is dear to you, someone you can sob on their shoulder and they'll understand perfectly. Life throws challenges at you, one after another and it's okay to admit you're hurting, it's okay to admit you're struggling. Most important it's okay to not do it alone. You are loved, and you are not alone. Ignore every doubt you have, you're not being stupid, you're not crazy. Talk it out, hug it out, cry it out if you need it. It is our loved ones who make us stronger, it is our loved ones who make things feel alright.

It's okay

Wednesday 31 August 2016

It was abrupt. The frightened voice of a little boy woke me up. Tall he may be but his mind is still young. The yelling, my heart fell. The banging began, they were coming to get him. I screamed. Everything got heavy, the house woke up. Intruder, intruder. It was a frenzy of fright. My parents woke up, each of us struck with terror. Smash goes the security, yelling with glass. It all happened so fast yet it seemed neverending. The police were on their way, another window was out. The little boy upstairs fearing for his life, I tried to keep him safe help him to hide. When you think you're tough it disappears when you're made vulnerable and challenged in your own home. Everything you know running with the culprits, they didn't physically hurt us but emotionally I cannot say the same. Left at the scene of the crime, a broken into home. A place I once felt safe I don't think I can return. Boarded up house, statements taken things won't be the same for a while. The fear of their return will still remain, even in another house my nerves are shattered, every bump and noise tearing me up. Safe, what is safe?

little boy

Sunday 28 August 2016

Today, I feel wrecked. It feels as though I have been on a weekend bender. Only I haven't. Not at all, my head is spinning and any sudden movement makes me feel like I am about to throw up. I know I was drinking on Thursday but that's it for this week, maybe it is a delayed hangover. This tends to happen though, after drinking I get ill a couple days after. It's a bit unfair but I have zero sense to not drink again. So I'm spending my Sunday feeling like I am dying, I hope yours is much better.

Hangover without the alcohol

Sunday 21 August 2016

I feel everything
can never just have a passing feeling
it feels deep-rooted,
and full on.
If I feel sad
it feels like it's
from the bottom of my soul.
I feel happy
it feels like it's vibrating
through the pores in my skin.
I am very emotion lead.
I feel so much
it perhaps clouds my judgement.

I feel everything

Thursday 28 July 2016

Never listen to your inner demons
Everyone has them
Rawr at your fears
Voice your good thoughts
Only you can conquer your nerves
Understand that they're there
So you don't let them rule you.

Nervous

Saturday 16 July 2016

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