Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Every once in a while I feel the need for change, and this time I decided to change the layout of my blog. If you haven't noticed already... if you're on a phone you might not see the full change but I am working on phone layout too!  I just feel as though my old layout was getting a bit dull and I just wanted things a bit more lively!  I am living for my new colour scheme, and I have even changed somethings around. I just feel like a refresh really motivates me, it makes me want to write more and work harder on my blog. Instead of posting randomly whenever I feel like it. I am aiming to post weekly, sometimes my brain is just like 'naahh mate I've got nothing for you.' which isn't helpful but it's something I am working on.
I have been working on one of my other pages too.  I have added a new page Ramblings. I say new page but I edited the name and content of 'Desires' mainly because it sounded weird. I gave that page a little makeover too. I decided that it will be my rambling pages, where I get to write crap basically. Things that don't make the cut for my main blog, but is still important enough for me to want to write it. It's nothing serious. I did post a piece over on there today though, I had written it on my main blog a couple months ago but I don't think it's the right content for here, so I never posted it. I talk about clubbing and emotional comedowns, it's not a very chirpy blog post mind.
This post isn't exactly exciting but I am chuffed with my new layout.  I am aiming to try and post every Monday, mainly because I hate Monday's so I am trying this new thing out where I approach things positively. Instead of thinking 'oh fuck it's Monday' I am trying to think 'Yey blog day!!'. We will see how well this turns out!

New Layout & Ramblings

Tuesday 27 March 2018

I try too sleep but these knots of my uncertain future keeps me awake. Stail failure corrupts my mind. A dislodged heart pushing it's away up my throat. I feel inhumane tonight- like I'm air ready to evaporated under heated mess. I'm not a lion of braveness, instead a mouse of self doubt.  Trying to escape the hours I've been staring at for days, my hope ticking along with it. In a few hours my fate will be made: and I fear the worst.

Thursday 17 August 2017

The first person I kissed was a girl, I was at a sleepover with my two of my best friends. I'd drank at least half a can of Fosters and in year 8 - that was a pretty big deal to me. I don't have a problem with kissing girls - I have dated girls since. The problem was kissing a friend, I was peer pressured into it. I'm not annoyed at the fact our lips touched several times that night, I'm annoyed because of the planted feelings that reoccur in my chest, even years after. We are still friends this girl and I. She doesn't know  that I think about that night more than I probably should. When things don't work out with other girls I want to run right back to her even though I was never hers and nor was she mine. I get mad at her when she talks about boys and when she enters cycles of toxic relationships which all end in her sad and sinking back into her depression, I tell her I'm mad because she is my friend and I care for her. I tell her she deserves better than some fuck boy, but I don't tell her that I want to hold her and kiss her until she realises how beautiful  kind she is.

I remember her previous boyfriends and how when those relationships ended she swore she was lonely, and that she does not deserve to be loved. And each time I wanted to scream at her,  tell her that I love her, and that I will never let her be alone. But I stayed silent, because my words mean nothing to her. Just sounds that plead to her.  I keep myself at a distance now, my heart simply cannot take the throbs her smile dishes out. I am still there for her, with kind words and reassurance but that is all.

The girl I shared my first kiss with, she unknowingly taught me a valuable life lesson. The real sadness to life is when you realize that even though you can love a person with all of your being they don't always reciprocate those exact feelings and nor do they have to - you can give them so much but you can't force a person to love you back, no matter how hard you try.

A Girl

Thursday 20 July 2017

I keep having this reoccurring dream...
it plays over and over in my head through the day
like a spinning record, the needle dragging itself along the lines
your heart close to mine 
and I wake up with butterflies in my face and fire in my stomach -

I do not know if it is love or just lust or love
but when I see your face the pandemonium inside swells
scaring me, making me frightened that my heart will burst -
like a pin prick stabbed into a child's balloon

I think about your smile and laughter
and how your eyes are an intensified beauty
and I think about my own boring brown windows
and just do not see how they could ever meet

I want to tell the world
just how much of a good person you are
but; like a harsh wind, I push my feelings into a cage of silence
closing the curtains on them to block out the outside world.
how could anyone simply understand?

I have this desire to pour my heart to you
but this ghost behind me taunts me you will only get hurt, again
like every other person I touch falls apart
taking pieces of me with them because... I am no longer whole

I want to ignore the clouds of dread that hang above me
but that ghost keeps yelling you will never love me
and as I feel this need to repel from the lost spirit
I am simply pulled back to it like a magnet

I am encouraged to speak my mind by my friends
and that should be enough, but that voice whispers you will never be enough
and I curl these feelings for you into a hot fiery ball
and I will take them with me wherever I will go...

wherever I will go

Wednesday 5 July 2017

It's the hot cloud blackening a clear blue sky, it's the cool air turning toxic thick as it wraps its paws around a throat. It's chocking till a person is on the floor withering in a panic. It's the swelling of the world becoming too big for a minute soul. It's watching a clock but seeing only  fate come closer, the numbers yelling guilt as the hands bang against a chest like a  viscious trombone. It's only seeing selfishness without the selflessness behind it.

It's like dipping a toe into a blue lagoon that shimmers  with its reflection from above. It's wanting to run into the wild fields and keep running. It's also wanting to fully immerse yourself into the holy water that you know you will only taint. It's a magnet, both attracting and repelling. It's the sun blaring kindness but your soul bounding you sorrowfully to the squelching mud beneath you.

It's running fearlessy into a maze only to be imprisoned in tears between four walls. It's staring into a mirror and not knowing who is looking back. It's sitting under a hollow tree, finding comfort in the balcony of leaves above. It's  not wanting to leave but having to go. It's like walking onto an empty road, not knowing to turn right or left or wait for someone else who is on the same journey to ask them. It's being free but being trapped by your surroundings. Invisible chains disguised as specks of dust.

It's running into the distance till breathing is the only surrounding sound. It's twirling until the ground beneath is an unsteady pulse. It's a heavy heart on weak shoulders. It's wanting to do everything but being unable to complete nothing.

Rest in Peace Jonny

Grief

Saturday 24 June 2017

Swell in the corners of my eyes,
eager to burst like fireworks.

But, no I cannot,
will not set them free.

For those heavy wet storms
touching my gentle cheeks means I lose.
I give up and that I not good enough.

Swell

Thursday 4 May 2017

I feel so trapped by my emotions, my thoughts cage me in and I just want it to stop. This 10-minute mood change is wearing me out, from a burst of happiness to wanting to hide from the world. Every 10 minutes a new emotion decides to fuel me, I don't understand why. Why must I have to feel so much in such little time. I try to hold onto happiness knowing too well a shadow of emotion will inevitably pass. Yet when I feel sadness, my whole life is tainted grey. I feel so much and it draining, emotionally, mentally and physically. I tried avoiding these by sleeping, but due to things I have to do I cannot spend my days in bed, even though I would much rather.

Trapped

Thursday 20 April 2017

Saying how I feel isn't an easy thing
Everything I say comes out wrong
Not that I don't know what to say
Saying my feelings outloud come out differently
In my head it sounds much better
To be honest, I feel a lot
I feel and think way too much
Vast world of nonsense and tangled thoughts
Every second of every damn day

sensitive

Tuesday 27 September 2016

My shadow is sewn to my soul
I can't tear the two apart
You can't get over the wall
I won't allow you to get to my heart.

I dare you to break through
Take down all of those bricks
It's something nobody has been able to do
What you see, do you think you can fix?

Fix?

Monday 26 September 2016

Sometimes when things get tough, and bottling in your every emotion just isn't enough, when your feelings and fears are pouring out of the seams. Those are the times you need someone you love, someone who is dear to you, someone you can sob on their shoulder and they'll understand perfectly. Life throws challenges at you, one after another and it's okay to admit you're hurting, it's okay to admit you're struggling. Most important it's okay to not do it alone. You are loved, and you are not alone. Ignore every doubt you have, you're not being stupid, you're not crazy. Talk it out, hug it out, cry it out if you need it. It is our loved ones who make us stronger, it is our loved ones who make things feel alright.

It's okay

Wednesday 31 August 2016

It was abrupt. The frightened voice of a little boy woke me up. Tall he may be but his mind is still young. The yelling, my heart fell. The banging began, they were coming to get him. I screamed. Everything got heavy, the house woke up. Intruder, intruder. It was a frenzy of fright. My parents woke up, each of us struck with terror. Smash goes the security, yelling with glass. It all happened so fast yet it seemed neverending. The police were on their way, another window was out. The little boy upstairs fearing for his life, I tried to keep him safe help him to hide. When you think you're tough it disappears when you're made vulnerable and challenged in your own home. Everything you know running with the culprits, they didn't physically hurt us but emotionally I cannot say the same. Left at the scene of the crime, a broken into home. A place I once felt safe I don't think I can return. Boarded up house, statements taken things won't be the same for a while. The fear of their return will still remain, even in another house my nerves are shattered, every bump and noise tearing me up. Safe, what is safe?

little boy

Sunday 28 August 2016

I feel everything
can never just have a passing feeling
it feels deep-rooted,
and full on.
If I feel sad
it feels like it's
from the bottom of my soul.
I feel happy
it feels like it's vibrating
through the pores in my skin.
I am very emotion lead.
I feel so much
it perhaps clouds my judgement.

I feel everything

Thursday 28 July 2016

So you want to know a little more about me? Uninteresting I guess to normal people. I like books, no I love books. Can you imagine a room filled with books from top to bottom, corner to corner that would be my life. I love writing, it's my one thing in life  I feel like I'm genuinely good at. Do you ever feel so passionate about something it's almost engraved in your  bones? A thing so precious to you, that's what writing and books are to me. Love, I believe in love, love for family, friends and things and just life, loving life is precious.

More About Me

Tuesday 12 July 2016

I always get ahead of myself, I think too much and fall too fast. We started talking and things were going surprisingly well, things were new and I was so excited. I started telling my friends about you and soon enough your phrases became my phrases. Every moment I wasn't busy my thoughts were always of you, little things reminded me of you, or better yet inspires thoughts of you. Like how sometimes at night, I'd wonder what it would be like for you to be lying with me; listening to your breathing and being safely cuddled in your arms. Whenever I walked out of college alone, I'd wonder what if one day I walked out meeting you right outside. Every time your name appeared in blue at the top of my screen I swear it was like running a marathon and losing my breath instantly, anxious on what to say to you or what would happen next. We talked every day, and the more I got to know you I couldn't help but want you every day. You always had me smiling at my phone, you were charming and this feeling of being wanted felt new to me. A whole month had flurried by, and we were still just chatting and flirting. I shouldn't have been counting, I shouldn't have wanted so much from you when you only wanted one thing from me. I always get ahead of myself, think too much and crash so hard.

Ahead of myself

Wednesday 27 April 2016

We are constantly feeling, and our surroundings are constantly effecting our feelings. A simple situation can nudge an emotion. Someone else's actions can alter your mood. People make us feel and sometimes they do it without even being aware of it.
You will forever feel, however each feeling is only temporary and can be changed at any given second. You want to hold on to certain feelings, keep them close to your heart but eventually, eventually they will fade and be replaced.
All the feelings you have are normal, even if it's a singular feeling or a dozen at a time. These feelings shape us and guide to where to go next.
Sometimes we want them to stop, we want them to come to an halt in a minute. We want to stop being overwhelmed, feelings can become too much. As good as they are; they can be just as dangerous. Testing our patience and our limits. Sometimes we avoid them, mostly by crawling into the quilts of sleep or even worse trying to numb them. Forcing them out so you feel practically nothing. But they're never really gone, they hide under the surface ready to make an appearance at any given hour.
All things effect us, if it be little or incredibly. Most important we decide how to feel, we decide on the outtake we have on life and situations. It is ultimately down to us.

Constantly Feeling

Wednesday 27 January 2016

I could write all the words that make me think of you, I could write a poem and brush off the emotions you make me feel, I could rant a piece about all the things I like about you. I could, I could. What would all of that do? It could express everything from within, but can it? Can the words intensify the meaning, can a poem capture the feelings, can a rant expose the little things. Words are my usual haven, they help me out when I have nowhere left to go. Yet when you're involve.d not even words can piece together all of this for you. Words simply cannot understand the feelings, the meanings or the true need of my heart. For once even to words I am vulnerable, they spin around my head as I try to scramble together a sentence. You knock the words out of me, along with all my senses. Even though you've made my sentences weak, and my writing flow strange,I wouldn't  change it for the world, nor would I change you.

To You

Wednesday 20 January 2016

As I'm reflecting on how today went, I can't help but smile to myself. A volcano of tingles spreading up my body. A smile playing on my mind,  a memory I know I will cherish for months to come. A day thay has made up for a hell of a week. A day, a moment, a person worth waiting for. Little bursts of excitement overpower me as I finish and begin each sentence. My thoughts linger as my heart leaps wondering what will happen next. It's a slow process but right now, I wouldn't change it for the world. I believe today an understanding was made, a level has been reached and we are at the peak of what could be known as perfection. A good day for all I hope!

19th January

These feelings are over empowering
my thoughts are grazed.
These feelings; my heart devouring
you remain unfazed.

My shoulders are heavy with sorrow
lusting for your touch.
Your heart is the one I'd like to borrow
you make me feel so much.

I'm in this prison
keep a blind eye.
Stronger you're making the division
whose heart is in chains left to die?

In these chains of emotions I am stuck
watching you from a far.
It seems I am just out of luck
left with love's scar.

These feelings are breaking me
I'm confused and lost
I can't remember when I was last free
all of this for you, this is the cost?



These Feelings

Monday 18 January 2016

I think I'm crazy, maybe even imaginative. What if I'm crazy with imagination? On the outside I appear dull, ugly even. But in my head that's not the case. In my head there is beauty, love, passion and devotion. Thoughts of things that haven't occurred  yet, or will never occur. My thoughts are in love and my heart agrees with it.  My imagination will pick up on a feeling and run with it, whilst dragging my heart behind it, letting it hit every bump in the road. I'll meet a person and my head I will know them a lifetime, we'll soon be having adventures and laying in each other's arms, the things that can only happen in my head. It doesn't matter if I have things to do, my thoughts will break through the dreary work. Spark a thought, ignite a feeling; setting my heart up into flames.  I get ahead of myself, ahead of life. Allowing myself to not see life pass before me, for I will always have my thoughts, they don't pass with life; they only broaden.

In my thoughts

Friday 15 January 2016

I feel one of my main goals in life is happiness, not just for me but for those around me. I want to make people happy.
I want to make this one person happy. I want to be there on  a Sunday morning when he wakes up, cuddle him and appreciate him. Cook him his favourite breakfast and spend the entire day with him. If he's playing on his PlayStation, I won't nag him to come off. I'll get him drinks and snacks, I want to wrap my arms around his waist and annoy him a little with little kisses on his cheeks and his neck. I want to make him smile, even it's by a post-it note or if we are just laying around talking about pointless things or our future. I want to just lay there and look at him, his beautiful eyes and make him feel wanted, because he is.
It's not about sex, it's just about wanting to spend time with another person, making them smile and just enjoying the presence of their company. Getting to know someone, taking an interest in all their favourite things, showing them just how much you care. I want him to  be able to tell his friends about me, I want him to proud of me, but mostly I want him to know his happiness matters to me the most.
When he's sad, and maybe I cannot make him his happiest, but I can be there. For him to confide in me or just even to sit with and cuddle. If he doesn't want to talk that's okay, I won't winge at him for the lack of communication I will be there for him and not pry out his problems, I want him to be comfortable. And even if we are sat in silence, as long as he knows I'm by his side that is what matters. When we're walking down the street, I'll hold his hand. When he's texting I won't up on his back, I'll trust him and never doubt his intentions. What I am saying is, I'm not asking for much. Just a chance, a chance at happiness for the both of us. I chance to prove myself to you, and make you feel the best you can feel.
If there is one thing in life I know that matters, it's happiness. As along as there is happiness that's all that counts. Like Lucy Spraggan says "As long as you're happy then you've got the game right!"

Happy

Saturday 9 January 2016

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