Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
I am not 100% sure why but I have been emotionally exhausted, for what must be months now. I am constantly tired, I am sleeping to stop thinking, I am sleeping just because I don't want to do anything else. Right now, I am sat on my bed in a dark room. I am not happy, as a human I understand we aren't supposed to be happy all the time - that is almost impossible, but I feel as though I probably should be happier than I am a lot of the time.
Sixth form, I wish I was that happy 17 year old I was when I first walked through the automatic glass doors, now I cannot stand the place. The excitement for my future has been swallowed by dread. I tell my best friend that I want to die at least 5 times a lesson, even now I can't tell if I am joking or if I am actually losing the will to live. One out of three lessons I don't hate, the other two I turn up simply because of attendance. I once used to feel guilty when teachers got mad or stressed with my class now I just don't care.
That body positivity I posted about two months ago, or the pretend happy gym selfies I post on Instagram, I don't where all that went. I am not positive, I probably hate myself more than ever and gym? It fills up my frees and takes over my life but becomes pointless when food is my only source of happiness, eating salad makes me want to kill myself. I feel much happier eating a burger than I do eating a piece of lettuce. I sweat my ass off in the gym only to find out I gained weight, it wasn't even muscle gain this time. It's not easy they tell me, it takes time but how I can carry on with the gym when my bed feels much safer. I don't have to face my reflection in the dark.
I follow plus size models on Instagram so I don't cry when there is a thin person in my feed, I lie to those who ask how the gym is going, it's going great but really the £15 a month feels like a death sentence. I have fallen out of love with taking selfies on Snapchat, instead, I cover the camera. I throw this facade on my social media, I may it look like I don't hate the world I live in, like drinking is only a social event and not my survival and escape, I post pictures that make me look creative, when really I haven't written anything decent in months.
I am angry or ready to cry, nothing inbetween, a constant state of deterioration. I can't stop myself from breaking, and I don't think I would want to if I could. I just keep falling, and whatever motivation my heart once carried is now a shadow of dust, a matter of inconvience. I push myself out, push the people I am supposed to love away, I used to cry of loneliness and now I just cry and sleep. I can't feel anything if my blanket is my support system, I cannot think anything if dreams taking up all my headspace.
Sixth form, I wish I was that happy 17 year old I was when I first walked through the automatic glass doors, now I cannot stand the place. The excitement for my future has been swallowed by dread. I tell my best friend that I want to die at least 5 times a lesson, even now I can't tell if I am joking or if I am actually losing the will to live. One out of three lessons I don't hate, the other two I turn up simply because of attendance. I once used to feel guilty when teachers got mad or stressed with my class now I just don't care.
That body positivity I posted about two months ago, or the pretend happy gym selfies I post on Instagram, I don't where all that went. I am not positive, I probably hate myself more than ever and gym? It fills up my frees and takes over my life but becomes pointless when food is my only source of happiness, eating salad makes me want to kill myself. I feel much happier eating a burger than I do eating a piece of lettuce. I sweat my ass off in the gym only to find out I gained weight, it wasn't even muscle gain this time. It's not easy they tell me, it takes time but how I can carry on with the gym when my bed feels much safer. I don't have to face my reflection in the dark.
I follow plus size models on Instagram so I don't cry when there is a thin person in my feed, I lie to those who ask how the gym is going, it's going great but really the £15 a month feels like a death sentence. I have fallen out of love with taking selfies on Snapchat, instead, I cover the camera. I throw this facade on my social media, I may it look like I don't hate the world I live in, like drinking is only a social event and not my survival and escape, I post pictures that make me look creative, when really I haven't written anything decent in months.
I am angry or ready to cry, nothing inbetween, a constant state of deterioration. I can't stop myself from breaking, and I don't think I would want to if I could. I just keep falling, and whatever motivation my heart once carried is now a shadow of dust, a matter of inconvience. I push myself out, push the people I am supposed to love away, I used to cry of loneliness and now I just cry and sleep. I can't feel anything if my blanket is my support system, I cannot think anything if dreams taking up all my headspace.
reflection in the dark
Monday 10 April 2017
Tonight I watched Annie for the first time in a long time, I've had the soundtrack stuck in my head for weeks so I thought it was about time I had a reunion with one of my old favourite musicals. Inevitably I cried; like I always do. It's always the scene where Mr and Mrs Mutch come to collect Annie and Mr Warbox is singing and on verge of tears, it breaks my heart. This time I cried much more, it hit me sooner than Daddy Warbox singing, it hit me the moment Annie said 'mom'. I became a flood of uncontrollable tears, I had to restrain myself from screaming stop at the screen. No idea what came over me, but it shattered my heart. Thinking it over I believe it's because I have this fear of falseness and abandonment. Something about a scene that broke my heart and always has broke my heart again much worse and much more than it ever did. I value family, love and honesty, and that scene involving all of that just set something off inside of me.
Annie
Tuesday 13 December 2016
Let me take you guys back to the beginning of October 2014, I went to Holland with my old college on a Comenius for five days. I want to tell you guys about one day in particular, I did keep a diary at the time and I wanted to share those diary entries with you but, let's just say I was a bit of an asshole and yeah I can't show them. But I can sum up some of the days I perhaps stick a very quotations in from my diary. I will do this in two parts, I'll do the first three days and then tomorrow (Sunday) I will post the rest since I am not doing Weekly Favourites this week!
First of all, the day before going to Holland (4th October 2014) I had a little bike accident, I hadn't ridden a bike in years so I went out in the woods on the bike with my dad and well I ended up crashing into a huge metal gate, which affected my entire week, because I was injured. They weren't bad injuries or anything nothing was broken, but my stomach and like private area were badly swollen and bruised like I wasn't aware down there could even go purple nevermind ache as much as it did - wearing tight jeans was a no go!
So the day came (5th Oct.) and it was a day of firsts for me, it was my first time abroad, like leaving the UK and my first time on a plane, it wasn't my first time away from my parents as I went to Wales (disaster!) but this was probably the furthest. 'The first ever plane ride, it was fascinating. Staring out the window seeing the earth move beneath us' so yeah that happened but what I didn't mention was the popping of ears, like damn even though I was warned about it I was not ready! Also the flight we were on we got these cute little snacks, like a tiny pack of plain Doritos like crisp and the tiniest can of lemonade ever, it was adorable. I tried reading Bridget but I was way too excited! We landed in Amsterdam which actually the airport is pretty big and impressive! Everyone seemed loved and then we got the coach to the hotel which was called de halve maan hotel bovenkarspel I think, it was small and lovely but it wasn't near Amsterdam. So we got to the hotel, where we sorted our stuff and then they sprung this thing on us where we had to ride to this restaurant, bare in mind my injury and Dutch bikes are completely different to English bikes, it's like a whole other contraption, after and hour of trying my best and being in pain and falling into rose bushes I ended up being driven to the place with another girl. Of course, I felt crap and that I felt I let everyone down. We got the Italian restaurant which was lovely, and we got to meet the Swedish people who also ventured to Holland. We were out pretty late, and I think that night a guy had an accident on the road on the bike or something. My first night was terrible I have to admit and here is the last thing I wrote in my diary that night 'I loved the idea of Holland, but I am in a whole new country and I want to go home! It's impossible :( help me, I am falling apart!' - I do speak to my diary as if it's a person.
Improvement! (6th Oct.) I woke up feeling motivated and one of the staff members that came with us Flynn, he helped me try and improve the whole bike situation, as I didn't want to give up and feel like I am getting special treatment, admittedly I also didn't want to seem weak. Being the nice supportive teacher he is, he did the 'believe in yourself' thing which admittedly he isn't the first teacher to give me that talk, my history teacher was constantly telling me in high school, and I've recently had it too. I am working on it but yeah back to Holland. Even though I was making small improvements I wasn't ready and ended up getting driven to our next place. Which was the Dutch high school where I swear to god is the best high school, it was so vibrant it didn't feel real. It was colourful, and kind of something you would see those teenage American movies but like so much better. It was amazing, we got a tour of the school and then we actually went around the city with a team. Where we had to go places and learn things, it was very touristy but in the best way. I met some lovely people, this one guy actually helped me a lot since obviously I couldn't ride he walked me to the museum and it was so lovely because he didn't have to, and he was just so lovely, everyone was so lovely. I also bonded with people from my own college, like people I hadn't ever communicated with until then. A girl, we worked on the bike thing more which was really kind of her. We then had a Chinese buffet, which was so beautiful like the place itself. There were cute dangling lights, amazing artwork on the walls, we got to be with good company and it was delightful. We got to see some beautiful Holland sites, the second day was definitely better as you can see from this extract 'Holland is beautiful, so many sites, pictures, selfies and people. Everything is stunning, I love it. Everything and every place feels like a movie. I am in love with Holland!'
Tune back in tomorrow probably about 7PM for more of my Holland adventures like Amsterdam, drama and another first!
Holland (2014)
Sunday 15 May 2016
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| Please ignore me in this, I look terrible - not my finest hour. |
My exams begin next week and I have never been more afraid. There is no repeat year to depend on, instead my whole Uni thing depends on if I can get the grades I need. I feel confident for English and Film, but Media. Media I am worried about, I will try my best and give it my all, but I cannot help but feel like it won't be good enough. I know my attitude needs to change, I have until Thursday and I am working on it, revising as well as trying to stay positive.
Today was a good last day, filled with enthusiasm and moments. I am getting emotional now, I'll probably be a mess by the end of next year. I am going to have an early night, wake up early tomorrow and let he hardcore media revision begin!
Last day of AS
Friday 13 May 2016
April. dear April,
What a surprise you've been. You've brought me happiness, tears, breakdowns' and snow. A nightmare if I ever had to recognise one awake. Granted you've had your moments like making me laugh at something that once made me cry, you've brought me the goodness of health. It has been a difficult month, a bit sketchy in places and damn right rude in others. A bit problematic but you've put me on the right path I suppose. You've been a lesson, I guess a tough cold one but hey I got through it!
I'm ready for you May, bring on the exams and whatever else you want to throw my way, after this month I feel invincible.
What a surprise you've been. You've brought me happiness, tears, breakdowns' and snow. A nightmare if I ever had to recognise one awake. Granted you've had your moments like making me laugh at something that once made me cry, you've brought me the goodness of health. It has been a difficult month, a bit sketchy in places and damn right rude in others. A bit problematic but you've put me on the right path I suppose. You've been a lesson, I guess a tough cold one but hey I got through it!
I'm ready for you May, bring on the exams and whatever else you want to throw my way, after this month I feel invincible.
Goodbye April
Saturday 30 April 2016
I was going to a story time of what happened Tuesday but here's a quick summary before I go into a deeper issue.
I wore the dungaree outfit which is plastered all over my instagram. I was incredibly self-conscious. Went over the best friends where she did my make up and I did my hair and we took a lot of pictures (my discovery was made in her bedroom but will go further into that soon) we chilled and then went out. Bought tickets to Eddie the Eagle grabbed Bubble Cha and what not and then we waited for the bus. Only it wasn't a pleasant wait, an older guy drunk decided he wanted to check me out well it was obvious he almost stopped walking staring at my legs and looking me up and down, me and my best friend blatantly saw and watched him and he couldn't have cared less and decided to coo and crap and I was creeped out, the thought creeps me out still. I get I had my legs on show but it wasn't for attention, it was to rock a cute outfit and make myself feel better about myself. But anyways it was a good day. - summary over.
So I was in my best friend's bedroom, she had left to go to toilet so I was on my own. Since she is an art student she naturally has scissors in her room, and other sharp stuff. She keeps a razor there to do her eye brows which she did mine too which are just fabulous, eye brow game was strong. It was triggering. Seeing these harmfull object my thoughts were all these objects she could easily self harm, no one would ever know. How is it not tempting? I'm getting itches just being here alone. It then made me realise that some people are just a lot stronger than myself emotionally, and that not everyone has turned to these things when they're feeling low. And it made me realize that I too am strong, it has been over two years since I last self harmed and the fact I am aware of things and possibilities, but I know which of my thoughts are wrong. It's weird actually putting this on my blog, it is a personal thing and it's difficult but it shows I'm strong enough now to not push my past problems to the back of my mind, I am aware of them and well this here is the only place I've voiced these recent thoughts. I can't exactly talk about this to people in person, and my blog is basically like my own diary. It's just odd that Tuesday the day I choose to be more confident and take the next step of self love that I'm taunted my own thoughts and reminder of self harming, maybe these thoughts were a reminder of how far I've emotionally come and that I deal with things much differently now and I'm not the person I was all those years ago. I am moving forward and I will eventually be where I am meant to be. I am proud of my self, instead of my making my blood pour I pour my emotions into my writing. Maybe I will talk more about these kind of things at a later date, I don't know. I'm just taking small stepping stones into letting my feelings and past experiences onto here. It's risky but it's something I need to do for myself. And if you're someone I know reading this, don't be worried I am fine and I will continue to be fine. Trust me!
Memory Pain
Friday 8 April 2016
I saw this image floating about the internet and it got me thinking.
Growing up I have always been a bigger girl, I was never the really thin girl. I've always had cellulite and curves for as long as I can remember. I have never looked like 'other' girls, all my friends have always been much thinner than I am. I feel from a young age I (like many others) have been conditioned to not love myself unless I was skinny or looked like everyone else. In the heat of the moment, or even out of sheer meanness people always kind of took the low blow and mention my weight (this won't be about bullying but I'll cover that in a future blog post) and so it has always been an insecurity of mine. My weight has always been a concern of mine, and I remember being maybe 10 years old and coming home crying about my weight, people making fun and just commenting. On top of this I was seeing gorgeous thin women in the media everywhere (and it is the same still) and for years my weight has been my biggest insecurity, it is to this day but I'm on a journey of self-love. I remember hanging out with my friends in year six and we were going over to one of the girls' house and they were playing on the scales, which naturally I wasn't keen on doing but with persuasion I did. They laughed, of course I was much bigger than they were, and it hurt of course it had. Since then I've had adults mention my weight, guys, girls, people who I thought were my friends and even complete strangers (I'll mention the full story in a future post) so my confidence has never been the strongest. I used to think I was fat, but I look back at myself in pictures and it makes me cry. I wasn't fat, I looked healthy and even adorable. Pictures from five years ago, I was self-conscious and I hated how I looked. God, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that she is fine, and she should just concentrate on being happy because that is all that matters. But no now I see from there I self-destructed, food has always been the answer to most things for me. I got bigger and torn myself apart. I got unhappier with myself and my appearance, I even turned to dieting pills and they didn't have the best effect on me. Don't get me wrong I have tried dieting and going to gym regularly and it was good for me, but with exams and life I just couldn't balance everything. I turn 18 in March and it has taken me years to realize this; I've always thought of myself as fat and I'm not the only one. It's sick how the media have conditioned young people to not love themselves and to aspire to be thinner and prettier. When really we should love ourselves and as long as you're healthy that's all that should matter! Being skinny doesn't mean you're healthy. And for a guy having bulks of muscles doesn't make you a man. I've realized there is nothing wrong with being a big girl, why should I be thinner to please others? As long as I'm healthy and not putting myself in danger then I'm okay to be how I am. I know I am not completely self-loving, but it a journey I am taking and I believe I am capable of loving myself and being the happiest I can be. Why should we have to be what the media tells and shows us? I believe as long as you're happy then that's all that matters. We can be who we want to be. Join me on the road of body positivity, next time you see your reflection give yourself a compliment, you are beautiful, we all are, male, female, big, small, tall, short, fat, thin - we are all beautiful!
Body Positivity
Sunday 31 January 2016
Do you ever hear something, or be told something and it ruins you? It confirms a suspicion and breaks your heart into pieces. You can barely breathe as if the very life has been sucked out of you. You run to escape and it's almost like your legs have given up on you. You fight back the tears even though there's no reason left to fight. You become weak, and the walls you built have smashed right before your eyes. You've got to act like you're okay but you're anything but. You're shaking and every word you type you have to correct, it's like the love inside of you has been pushed out of you. The person you devoted yourself to dotes on someone else. It's heartbreak when it happens once, but it's like home when it continues to happen. A familiar lonely home that you're more than used to, the closer you get to home the numbing begins and it usually stays...
Heartbreak Home
Saturday 30 January 2016
I have been quite moody today, I just feel it has been one problem after another. It's frustrating and well today I feel as though a black cloud has pretty much followed my every step today. This morning I felt good, positive but as the day progressed my mood regressed! I got my Mock results and I am pleased. I know where I need to improve so I shall be working on that. I have been having trouble with software but I got it sorted, and I'm more prepared for Media and Film. I am also considering making short films, for my blog and even maybe post on Youtube. I am pretty much a beginner with editing software but I will eventually get the hang of it. So maybe for a future project I can post video content, I suppose that would be cool and just something new to try!
I have been very college based lately and it saddens me I haven't had time to write properly, I know I write poems here and there but that isn't my main writing focus, but education is important. However in Febraury it is half term. I break a couple of days before Valentines day. I may even do a valentines week theme or something, who knows! But the week off means I will have more time for writing, and hopefully I can put more attention into these blog posts! Thank you as always, and I hope you had a much better Monday than I have!
I have been very college based lately and it saddens me I haven't had time to write properly, I know I write poems here and there but that isn't my main writing focus, but education is important. However in Febraury it is half term. I break a couple of days before Valentines day. I may even do a valentines week theme or something, who knows! But the week off means I will have more time for writing, and hopefully I can put more attention into these blog posts! Thank you as always, and I hope you had a much better Monday than I have!
Moody Monday
Monday 25 January 2016
HAPPY FRIDAY!
You guys have no idea how much I have needed it to be Friday! This week hit me like a brutal wrecking ball, I wasn't ready nope. I wasn't read for an ear infection, or going back to college, or the three mock exams, or the sleepless nights, or just emotional feelings, I wasn't ready what so ever.
Friday did pick everything up though, the last mock was today, also my ear infection is pretty much nearly fixed thanks to ear spray and painkillers. The first week back from being off for half term always throws me off a little.
As expected of a Friday it well and truly cheered me up. I laughed, I got butterflies and had a blast. My college life is moving forward, slowly but surely but I'm getting to terms with things and I'm ready to not have a rerun of last year.
I'm currently enjoying some music, which is good to wear earphones without being muffled or hurting my ear a lot.
Tomorrow should be a good day, I plan on attending a writing group, which meeting other writers in my age range is always a blessing. I have good vibes mainly because I really get along with creative people and our ideas bounce off one another and well sometimes that's all the inspiration I need!
I may stay up late too, catch up on my Sims and just chill. It is the weekend, it is well needed!
You guys have no idea how much I have needed it to be Friday! This week hit me like a brutal wrecking ball, I wasn't ready nope. I wasn't read for an ear infection, or going back to college, or the three mock exams, or the sleepless nights, or just emotional feelings, I wasn't ready what so ever.
Friday did pick everything up though, the last mock was today, also my ear infection is pretty much nearly fixed thanks to ear spray and painkillers. The first week back from being off for half term always throws me off a little.
As expected of a Friday it well and truly cheered me up. I laughed, I got butterflies and had a blast. My college life is moving forward, slowly but surely but I'm getting to terms with things and I'm ready to not have a rerun of last year.
I'm currently enjoying some music, which is good to wear earphones without being muffled or hurting my ear a lot.
Tomorrow should be a good day, I plan on attending a writing group, which meeting other writers in my age range is always a blessing. I have good vibes mainly because I really get along with creative people and our ideas bounce off one another and well sometimes that's all the inspiration I need!
I may stay up late too, catch up on my Sims and just chill. It is the weekend, it is well needed!
Wrecking ball
Friday 8 January 2016
Earlier today I spent a few (many) hours watching MTV's Catfish. I don't usually watch that kind of thing, personally I try and stay away from TV as much as possible, unless it's some of my favourite films.
If you've never watched Catfish it is basically about people who date online, and become attached to people over the internet, however some of the things don't add up so one of the people involved with the relationship usually get in touch with Max and Nev (Catfish hosts) to help them meet this internet person. And well nine times out of time it is someone using pictures which isn't their own, and pretending to be someone they aren't, Basically they get found out and what not. The person pretending is what is called a Catfish.
The whole concept of the Catfish got me thinking, it is almost like creating a new identity, creating an new persona. Someone basically pretending to be someone they aren't, or hiding behind a false pretense.
It took some thinking, and maybe I'm being a little farfetched, but don't we all have a little Catfish in us?
In real life perhaps we are Catfish. Sometimes we ourselves put up a front, emotionally we create a whole new person to live on the outside of our bodies, we create a person or a cover for others to see, we fake to feel and be things for the sake of others, so theoretically isn't that Catfish?
We all have this way we want others to see us, perhaps a way that we don't really see ourselves.
The catfish in the sense of the show I don't agree with, but maybe the real life Catfish I was talking about it sometimes necessary. Our real life catfish within us is our wall, it stops us from getting hurt, it protects us in a way if you will.
When will our Catfish guard go down? Is it when we are trully comfortable with another human, when we can be 100% ourselves. Or will it be when we are happy with who we are, when we can trully feel safe with ourselves.
I ask you to give the whole Catfish topic a think, if it be the show or even our emotional catfish.
Catfish
Wednesday 28 October 2015
27/01/2015
I was going about my normal day, being a Wednesday I had only two lessons which were first thing so it's one of my short days, the best day. But not today.
Returning to my sisters house, we stayed inside due to heavy 5-10 minutes snow. Once stopped, with my sister and one year old niece we went to the local shopping centre for the daily Wednesday shop.
It was different from most of our Wednesdays, firstly we passed funeral cars, which is always sad and very awkward and you never know where to look so you just put your head down. In these awkward serious situations I have a tendency to laugh so I generally had to trap my inner idiot in, for respect of course.
Once passing and out of sight, I let out the sigh of relief. And carried on to the local shop. Which I assumed would be normal and slightly better place to be than near the funeral place. I was wrong.
We were going about, as usual putting items in the little plastic basket. We were going down one isle, and guy, maybe a few years older than myself, stood behind us and we were in his way, so kindly we moved and looking at him he moved in a fast way like repeatedly. I was scared by him if I'm honest, and my sister informed me it was terrex and I understood.
We carried on shopping and there was a commotion at the tills we thought nothing of it. Going around the drinks area we ended up near the tills. The same guy was on the floor having a fit, a shopkeeper was trying to help him. I lost all my senses and cried, as a sixteen year old female in that moment my every emotion heightened and I sobbed. My heart hurt and I was a scared wreck.
I was worried about the guy, he stopped breathing and I couldn't control myself. My sister had to take me to another isle to calm me down, my emotions were heightened.
The guy's airwaves were blocked by his tongue, and ambulance were called. And well if the shop assistant hadn't helped and was at his side he would have died. Thankfully the ambulance came and the guy turned out to be somewhat alright, living.
It made me think, a lot. How something can just happen suddenly and how people act on it. The ambulance were so calm and everything. Everyone was shocked and trying to do what they can and me I mentally froze.
The only time I have ever had such heightened emotions where I'm sobbing and laughing and crying is when my sister read out an abortion poem to me, that time I actually screamed with tears and I couldn't control it.
It's weird how our brain reacts to things, I've never seen something like that before so it came as a shock.
This isn't one of those posts where I want attention or Shizz, it is the truth and I'm just thinking about how the brain works and how everyone reacts and the impact it has on people.
It was one of them heart in my mouth moments, in that moment I was an emotional wreckage.
Once the guy was rushed in the ambulance the shop just returned as normal it was a werlird shift. On the way home my heart was still raising and my thoughts muddled and my emotions heightened.
I kept thinking what if he'd died, or if I'm put in the situation where I'm the only other person around. My heightened emotions could get the better of me and someone could hurt. It got me thinking maybe I should take lessons or something to help in these situations. I want to help and be the best I can without my emotions being involved.
Maybe this was an unnecessary post but I just needed to put it down somewhere. Also wondering if anyone else has ever reacting like this to anything? Or is just me being the hormonal heightened emotional human I am.
Heightened Emotions
Friday 31 July 2015
I watched Sugar for the first time the other week, it was released in 2013. I have been meaning to watch it for a long time, but due to living outside of the US I haven't been able to until recently. Before I get into what I think about it, and the effect of the film I will tell you a little about it first.
From the IMDB SITE;
A 20-year-old homeless girl is suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome on the streets of Hollywood and Venice beach.
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| Movie Picture - I don't own this image |
From the IMDB SITE;
A 20-year-old homeless girl is suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome on the streets of Hollywood and Venice beach.
Director:
Rotimi Rainwater
Okay so to some it in my own words, it is a film about homeless young adults, and the struggles they go through on the street and the build up and reasoning why they are there. I saw the promotions of the movie at the time of release on one of the main actor's twitter pages; Marshall Allman. Being a fan of his I was automatically intrigued. Obviously there wasn't just the movie release, and the point of it wasn't to make money. It was to show awareness, show us what it is really like. There are so many things we are oblivious too because it may not "concern" us, Sugar and the campaigning behind it really opens your eyes to things. It is obviously so good of these people to produce something that can have an impact, and also showing support for the homeless youth.
Being a teenager myself, I admit I do take things for granted. I am ignorant to certain things, and I shouldn't be. When I watched Sugar, my eyes were opened. Even a week later, and several movies later, I am still in this aftermath of thoughts. Sugar's story was unique, and the whole film was beautiful, emotional and real. The best thing was that it was real, it didn't come across as exggerarated or Sugar coated, it was real and in your face. It hits your heart because, as a teen myself with a loving family and a roof over my head, it made me reflect on a lot of things, and even feel guilty that perhaps I should be a lot more open minded and less selfish.
I adored watching it, it was emotional and personal. I liked how it was from Sugar's point of view, we got to be in her thoughts. Also I admit I had a good cry, it may just be my favourite film yet.
I don't want to give it all away if you haven't seen it before, but I highly recommend you to watch it! It is life changing, and not only are you becoming aware of homeless youth you are getting entertained.
SPOILER ALERT!! - I CRIED WHEN MARSHALL DIED, IT WAS SAD AND WELL KIND OF TYPICAL SOME FROM WHAT I HAVE SEEN SO FAR OF HIS WORK HIS CHARACTERS EITHER AREN'T IN IT ENOUGH, THEY DIE OR THEY HAVE F*****D UP DEARLY. HOWEVER, HE IS A REALLY GOOD ACTOR ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVOURITES, HE PLAYED ANOTHER AMAZING PART!!
I'm watching A LOT of movies these days due to time off so I will be posting more Movie reviews!
Sugar (Movie Review)
Friday 10 July 2015
Boys Boys Boys...
Hallooooooo, hey, whatss uppp, I will eventually get better at this.
Yep. It's me. I izz back. YOU MISSED ME RIGHT? OF COURSE YOU DID!! I missed you too, kinda. I did tell you I would be first talking about girls but you know, change of heart -do you get it?- -me neither-.
Boys are full of %^*£ yep they are.
Well they are when you're me.
First of all I need to put one thing out there, are you listening well reading? BOYS AREN'T LIKE THEY ARE IN BOOKS AND IN MOVIES!
Shocker? Not really. Trust me some guy isn't going to appear outside of your bedroom window whilst he vows his undying love for you, if that did happen call the police stalker/creep alert! Some guy isn't going to come running when you're being bullied, he isn't going to lift your chin up and wipe away the tears, get real! If anything he will join in. Also if you're at a football game or even a basketball game of just some social event (what is one of them???) he won't stop what he's doing just to point you out in the crowd, he won't shout to the world or the audience he loves he, not going to happen. He probably doesn't even know you exist.
I could stress and go on at you for all the shizz movies and books plaster into your minds but that's for another time.
Boys. Well they are the opposite sex of me and maybe even you, I don't know who you are; don't complain. There is so much crap you need to know about boys, because honey they aren't what you think.
1) If you expect a guy to open up and show true feelings the moment you meet him - get that stupid ass thought out of your head. They are complicated, yeah just like us they have insecurities and problems. THEY NEED TIME. LIKE US WELL GIRLS OR WHOEVER PULLS GUYS OKAY, NEED TIME. Rome wasn't built in a day no it took a god damn while, a good comparison which takes me onto the next point' guys and brick walls, not much difference.
2) Guys don't read between the lines, not like us. YOU HAVE TO BE BLUNT, HINTS WON'T WORK! You can't expect a guy to read your mind or notice your hair or those new shoes, you need to just be straight up. Don't expect him to read into your kisses, guys are from a whole new planet. What three kisses to you means he likes you, three kisses to him means you want the D (WHAT IS THIS?) Yeah see the difference?
3) GUYS DON'T GO FOR GIRLS LIKE ME! Girls who aren't feminine, girls who aren't perfect. Girls who don't have perfect boobs or bodies. girls who love food more than anything. Girls who can't be bothered 95% of the time. Do you want to know why? The first thing a guy notices is looks, honestly. I tried the whole try and impressive shizz but guess what? NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. Hey that's fine with me. Guys want someone to show their friends too, someone who will fit on his arm perfectly. Someone who has more make up on than brains in her skull. GOOD LOOKING GUYS DON'T GO FOR GIRLS WHO AREN'T GOOD LOOKING. And when if they do, UNLIKELY, when does it really ever work out?
You're all probably thinking I'm just bitching and dissing well no honey, darling, human, I am being honest. How horrible it is people generally don't see the personality first. I've probably offended a whole bunch of people but hey can't please everyone.
4) BOYS AREN'T TOYS YOU CAN'T FIX THEM! That bad boy that's a complete arse to everyone, no he doesn't want you to be a hero. It's his choice to be an ass, and you bending over backwards to his please to 'fix' him will only cause you pain, come on get real keep being like that you will be his doormat his own personal skivy.
5) WHY ARE THEY SO IMPORTAiNT ANYWAY? Because they have a dangly bit? Because you can hold hands, kiss and just be mushy. Well who cares? So what. Hold your own hand. There is only one person perfect for you and that's yourself.
I don't even know why I bother. Boys are just stressing, you never know what they are thinking, but girls can be just the same, so don't get up in my face and be like WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWOWOWOWO STOP RIGHT THERE CLASH YOU'RE BEING SEXIST! Sit down sunshine and shut up, got it? Girls can be just as fucked up.
6) Don't expect romance. Come on this is Modern Day not the shakesperian times, he's not going to give you roses and take you to a mountain to have a romantic meal under the stars and make out - no reality he is taking you to McDonald's people will watching as you both scoff a McDonald's, you will hold his sweaty hand and there will be pretty much no conversation and at the end of the night... guess what? He will stick is tongue down your throat and say bye and will probably not be back in contact.
7) IF HE LIKES YOU HE WILL TELL YOU - IF HE DOESN'T HE WONT - GOT IT?
I bet after this rant or lecture of whatever you please, there will be air headed girls thinking it will be different and that she can change a guy, romance and crap.It's okay, I don't care I'm just trying to prevent your silly little heart from being broken, but don't mind me. What would I know about boys?
OH RAPUNZEELLL OH RAPUNZELL LET DOWN YOUR LOCKS AND I WILLL CLIMB AND RESCUE BLAH BLAH BLAH reality OI WILL YA COME AND OPEN YOUR FRONT DOOR IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE AND I WANT ME LEG OVER- basically.
Well I found that refreshing, well maybeee. What am I even talking about? It was a load of bull, all this coming from a pathetic single monster - NOM NOM BOYS HERE I COME TO EAT YOU WHOLE AND THROW AWAY ALL THOSE MAKE UP PLASTER SWIGS TH-EEE THY FOR THUMB - you get it.
BOYS BOYS BOYS - MORE LIKE TOYS, NOISE AND FOOLS - DON'T HAVE HIGH EXPECTATION THEY AREN'T LIKE THEY ARE IN THE MOVIES AND BOOKS THAT'S ALL MADE UP.
I should be going, I mean I've got like a line of boys queing up for ten block gotta keep pleasing - HA I AM SO FUNNY, YOU LAUGHED RIGHT? OF COURSE YOU DID.
AHAHAHAHAHA.
CRYING OF LAUGHTER.
HA.
YEAH.
BOO.
BLAH.
BOYS.
**** AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.
Not really that funny.
you're not even laughing.
AWKWARD...
No really, I should be going to like you know... Powder my noise? HAHAHA THERE I GO AGAIN IM FUNNY.
yep
asta lavistaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa baby...
no why do I bother. BAHHH-BYEEEEEEEEE
Reality; Boys Boys Boys
Monday 6 July 2015
-FICTIONAL ORIGINAL DRAMATIC TEENAGE SERIES-
Hellur, hi.
So here YOU are reading my words, or just pretending to read them. You're here just to be nebby, take pity and laugh at tyyypical me; Maddy Clash. Yes Clash is my last name, don't even bother laughing, yes it's ironc I knowww; I CLASH WITH EVERYTHING!! Kind of like a bull mixed with an elephant in a china shop, but only instead of the china shop just life in general.
You're probably wondering 'WHAT EVEN ARE YOU YOU WEIRD CREATURE?"
Well, don't even get me started on that, I've asked this upteenth times. I wonder what accent you're reading this out in? I betchaa wondering what am I talking about? Well you're the first. I have scummy laddish accent, but no I'm not a lad, I get mistaken as one but I am not one... well I wasn't when I last checked. One second... Nope I'm not!
You're here to read me, read me like a book... ironic, I'm getting good with these puns. I am Maddy Clash and I'm here to sort your head out, and my own head of course. You may notice I'm not all there, or here.
You read things and see things. THEY AREN'T REAL, GET THAT STUPID ASS IDEA OUT OF YOUR HEART RIGHT NOW! I am the reality of the lies plastered on screen and put into words. Happy endings are good and all but come on that is just not how life goes!
I will tell and show exactly what those movies and books don't tell you, you can be my diary and I will feed you information, in a like a series sort of, each time I post a reality chapter,a different topic each time, we've only just met and I'm being nice.... don't worry it won't last long, I promise!
This is just telling you how things are gonna go, don't mind my short text.... I'm not posh you know?
Also if I offend you, tough. I'm wallowing in my own self pity of expeirences, you're just here to peek and join the ride, you know what? You may even learn a thing or too!
I have so much I can say, but I don't want to. Not right now, time will come, time will come. I bet I'm coming across as creep, well I'm not!
You wanna know what I'm thinking don't you? Well that's just tough cause most of the time I don't even know what I'm thinking. Reality, it's me being real with you.
Not sugar coating the crap, not making myself to be something I'm not. I could tell you I'm a babe and everyone loves me but I'm not, I'm the opposite. You're probably judging me right now, shame on you. I'm being real and right now I'm in your head, yes your head wooooooooooo. Well technically now you're in my head, it's dark in there isn't it? See what I have to put up with?
I'm the reality of everything, I am that victim that everyone hates, I'm that person you don't know, I'm that virgin that will never get a boyfriend. I'm that person who doesn't feel happiness. And for you? You I don't know who you are.
I'm no good at this introducing myself kinda crap, I ramble on but I'm guessing you're thinking; LIES YOU DONT RAMBLE ON. Do you think I'm crazy? Do you think I'm insane? Here I am talking to myself... hmmm. I am crazy, I am insane. Yet here you are reading, watching and feeling me... wait that last bit... forget I said anything
You should stay, stay with me and hear what I've got to say, what harm can it do afterall? I have a lot to say, ALOT!
Since you're here, I measly well tell ya about something I will talk about; Girls, boys, sex, movies, music, love, hate,crying,food, fat and everything teenager.
I bet you're ready to give up on me, go on then. GO! It's not like I am not used to is, I am the lost cause no one writes about, so here I am writing about myself; how sad? But that just sums be up doesn't it? It's okay you can agree, I've heard a lot worse!
Oh right back to me... sorry I was drueling over Matt. No not my boyfriend, HA BOYFRIEND WHAT EVEN IS THAT? Matt, from that band, the 1975, he hawt. Surrounded my fine male specimen right now... NO NOT HUMAN CONTACT, DAMN YOU PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ME! I mean my posters; there's Zac, a bit of Dave Franco, oooo there is Zayn. Anyways...
Currently I am alone... well I have my posters so I'm not alone. In that case I'm surrounded by beautiful people, we're all dancing, Ima great dancer. There is noise downstairs, everyone's downstair, execpt me. It's okay I love being alone, talking to myself, dancing with posters and stuffing my face with Doritios, this is the life for me. NOTE THE SARCASM.
Am I being rude? I would say sorry but in reality no one cares. I don't care, I probably won't even read over this, how good am I to you? Sharing my crap thoughts and feelings unedited, I am a good person.
'First Impressions are key' well I have well and trully *@"£$% things up, oh well.
I bet you're wondering what I look like? Well I don't look like you. I bet you've got lovely eyes, a nice smile and a blooming personaility? GOOD FOR YOU! You've got it easy, it must be nice to be pretty and just likeable. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH - Sorry that was me puking, I looked into my reflection for too long... whoooops?
Why do I even bother to babble on? I gotta go, my so called hectic life is rushing me off my feet, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I'm funny, that joke was hileraious, no but I am going just cause I'm even too awkward in my own stupid head, damnnn, You may hear from me later probably rambling on about girls or some other crap.
Bye, chow, Au reviour ugh I fail at life, traaaaa. nope. Bye
Reality
Thursday 2 July 2015
Today was the last official day of this college year, I am now off for the Summer. With the exception of a few meetings and trips of course, but work wise I am done until September. What a relief it is! However, it feels too good to be true. After an exhausting, and changing first year of college it is suddenly Summer, when did that happen?? I am glad though, no more early mornings and having all the time in the world to myself!
I wanted to do a reflection on the year but I think I will leave it until results day, then I can talk about how I did and what happens next!
I wanted to do a reflection on the year but I think I will leave it until results day, then I can talk about how I did and what happens next!
Done for the Summer
Wednesday 24 June 2015
This week has been incredible. Yesterday I spent pretty much most of the day with my family, it was nice and very different. We did however did a little shopping, when I say little I mean the boot of the a car bursting with bags. I'm so blessed and thankful that my parents have bought me a laptop, truth be told it is my first. My first laptop that I have all to myself, I don't even have to share! So needless to say I will be writing more, plus it makes it easier to do my college work! Today we are going out again, no doubt more shopping ~ I more or less dislike shopping, my girlie side just doesn't enjoy it!
It's a beautiful day
Saturday 13 June 2015
 |
| Model; Georgia McDonald (My sister) Water barrier project with the creative use of light |
Our barriers are reflective of us, and what we want. We allow the world to see us how we want to be seen, even it is under false pretences.
Maybe one day, we won't feel the need to barrier ourselves, perhaps the light will shine through it destroying it, finally allowing us to be ourselves. Without the need to hide.
Barrier
Wednesday 27 May 2015
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Hiya!
Welcome to my bookish ramblings and creative writing.
